I am able to take the time to post right now while my mom is holding our precious Magdalena. Before her breakfast this morning her heart rate lowered too low, but with a little reminder it resumed to a good speed. When her apnea monitor sounds I am always on edge not knowing, but at the same time, on many occasions she pulls up her heart rate and breathing herself. Then, during breakfast I noticed her color changing so quickly. I jumped up and began to pat her trying my best to remind her to breathe, but no matter how hard she was trying, she just couldn't do it. I ran to the oxygen machine and while hitting her back I waved the oxygen in front of her face until her color returned.
I thought to myself "ok, I knew that this would happen", and I called Noah to let him know the situation. I continued to feed her breakfast when it happened it again, but I had a harder time getting her color to return. After calling Noah again he began on his way home. Something just wasn't right....
Instead of her color getting better it continued to get worse. She had stopped breathing and her heart rate had lowered. As I sat there in tears I kept begging for her to fight, I realized that she had already done that for so long. I had gotten everything that I had prayed for already. We were able to spend time with her, know her, love her, baptize her, and bring her home with us. We were already given much more than we expected when first entering the delivery room.
When all of this flashed through my head I realized that I was ok to let her go. I didn't want it, but I knew that I didn't want her to continue to suffer. By this time Noah had arrived at the house, and just by his presence I felt stronger and that I was not alone. Then, by the grace of God, Magdalena came back to us. It was slow, but her daddy kept giving her a litte oxygen, and we both could tell when we were in the "safe" zone. She was so tired after this entire experience that we didn't even try to bottle feed her, but we simply gave her milk through her NG tube so that she could heal. Noah put Magdalena in one of her favorite positions, which is her laying on his chest, and she rested for a few hours. God has given us another day. I am not sure if I will be ready for the next episode and have any form of strength, but we will just have to take one day at a time.