Tuesday, March 31, 2009

SIDS Walk for Babies 2009

Last Saturday we had the honor of walking in memory of Tucker (December 19, 2006 - March 27, 2006), a very special baby whose mommy is pictured here in the middle between me and Lori. Tucker passed away two years ago this March from SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). Laura, Tucker's mommy, and I met through my sister, and she has come to mean so much to me throughout my entire journey this past year. When finding out Magdalena's diagnosis last March she discussed so many things that we would never have thought of before, and it is because of this sweet lady that we are a part of March of Dimes. She talked about how it helped with the healing process to do something in honor of Tucker's life, and just a month after Magdalena's diagnosis, before she had ever met me, she was out there with us at March of Dimes' March for Babies. Magdalena blessed so many people on this earth, and all of you continue to write me about it. This helps me to deal with so much of the pain of losing her. However, it is through the precious life of Tucker that has helped give our family the strength to share Magdalena with so many.
When I first approached to enter the walk, I wondered if I would make it through it. People wore SIDS light pink (for girl) and blue (for boy) shirts in honor of the baby that they had lost, and I feel the same pain that so many of these families feel. Laura agreed with me when I said I really had to just step outside of myself while I was there, and as Easter approaches we both celebrate that Jesus is no longer dead and our children are with him, but we also cry because our heart misses them.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Bad Days Mixed with the Good Ones

The last week was pretty tough, and I can't tell you anything that made this one different from the rest. While most days I can find myself thinking about Magdalena, talking about her to friends, and organizing her things, one day it just comes crashing in on me. By last Thursday every thing that I did throughout the day was forced. I had to keep myself moving because the world doesn't stop even when I need a break, and I think most people who have lost someone they love can understand this. I have had honest, new friends ask how I am doing and if I prefer Magdalena to be brought up or not. There would be very few things for me to discuss without bringing up her in some form. She has truly shaped me and forever is with me. So I always warn them that on certain days bringing her up may make me cry, but I don't think that I will ever move past that. I think in the years to come I will truly learn who my real friends are because those are the people who will love me despite all of my random tears. Ten, twenty years from now there may be certain things that will make me cry when thinking of my sweet baby.

I had been considering buying Magdalena an Easter basket with her name monogrammed on it, and I went back and forth on it until it was too late. They were sold out where I had found them online, which meant that if I wanted it I would have to go into a store where I knew that I would be questioned about the person I was buying it for. So my sweet husband called our favorite store, Sweet Dreams, because if they had baskets, I knew that I wouldn't have to answer a lot of questions. But when going there on Friday to order it I didn't even make it through the transaction without my eyes watering, but thankfully I held it mostly in until I got to the car. The lady asked me the name that I wanted on the basket, and she looked up to see my face and knew. No more questions asked. There are so many things that I do that I am sure people will wonder why, but through the encouragement of my sweet friend, Laura, who had lost a child, I knew that if I needed to get that basket it would be ok. You do what it takes to make it through the holidays, which are the most difficult. My second child will be born about a year after Magdalena, and because of the closeness, I want him/her to grow up knowing her as much as possible. For her to have her own Christmas stocking, Easter basket, etc. acknowledges that she is still and forever remains part of our family, our hearts. I can't wait for all of your to see her basket because it is a perfect shade of pink, perfect in honor of her. On the way home, without even planning it, I turned into the cementary just to see where her place was. Once I found it I didn't even get out of the car, but just stopped to look wishing that I had brought flowers.

This morning the tears continued before I even got out of bed. I thought about her kissable cheeks, little hands, and cuddly little self. Oh, how I miss her! I am ready to be on a roll of better days again, ones that I can think of her and enjoy her without so much pain. I know that she is so happy right now laughing and dancing, but my heart longs to hold her again.

Monday, March 23, 2009

12 Week Appointment

Today we had a great doctors appointment! The baby has a strong heartbeat! We were nervous, but now we feel such relief. Between 17 and 20 weeks, at the same time we find out the sex, we will go see Dr. P, the high-risk doctor. He will look to see if the baby has some of the same marks that could be associated with a chromosonal disorder.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

My Protector

I am not sure how much I have written about Noah, but I hope that I have given you a true image of the wonderful man he is. Although we have been married what some consider to be a short period of time, he is so good about reading me, especially since Magdalena passed away. Without words he knows when I want/able to explain her situation to someone we just met or not. Just today we met two new separate people at church. The first one asked if we had children, and we explained Magdalena's situation, and although the opportunity opened up with the second person to discuss Magdalena, I just couldn't do it again. And Noah could just tell not to bring it up. When Magdalena passed we had so much equipment here that belonged to her, oxygen, feeding pump, tubes, syringes, and so much more. It crowded our little home at first, and then, it became part of the decor. Without me knowing he took it all over to our hospice nurse, knowing it would be difficult to wait for it to be picked up by whomever was responsible, and then, have to watch it go. I wouldn't have been a strong person, and Noah just took care of it for me. Then, just a few days ago a letter came for Noah in the mail from the funeral home. Thinking that it was just a bill, I left it for him to open, and later I was going to look at it, but he stopped me. Just saying "Julie, don't open that." I know what's in that envelope, but I can't say that I want to look at it just, yet. It is the closure to all of her life, her death certificate. I will just tuck that envelope away until we need that piece of paper, but I don't want to look at it. He is right. He knew and just wanted to protect me. And now that I am pregnant again he continues to take care of me in a way that brings us even closer together because it is not just physical tiredness that wears me down but emotional from missing Magdalena and all of the fears for our new baby. He is an amazing man, my protector.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Sharing our Sweet Magdalena

There is an article in honor of our sweet girl this morning in the paper! More people can see God's amazing handiwork in Magdalena.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Home Videos - Take 2

This video was taken on December 2, 2008 and it is a great example of how our nights were in trying to get Magdalena to sleep. We would try to hold her until she fell asleep and then lay her down, but, of course, they just wouldn't work. She would always end up as she did in this video, completely exhausted but trying to keep those eyes open anyway. She would sleep in her swing because it was much more comfortable to be sitting up. And as you can see, in the swing is one of our soft blankets that she would snuggle up with on the couch and so we put it in the swing too. She really enjoyed this and it helped to keep her warm during the winter.
The patting would help to calm her, but as you can see here, she was fighting so hard to stay awake after a long day of shopping with Mimi and Mommy.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Good Things to Do

Although I had the plan to write over the weekend, I am glad that I can say that I did not have the time to do it. I have been asked to do things before, but I just haven't felt up to the task of socializing. The socializing that I do at church is enough for one week. It hasn't been like I don't want to chit chat, but I have been physically and emotionally tired, really tired, which has just made it so hard. This past Friday, we made plans to go on a double date with some of our fabulous friends, the Elliots, and I was wondering if I was going to be up to it on the day of. Last Friday was the 6th, and that is the toughest day out of the month for me. Along with being tired from work, I was just hoping that I was going to be up to it. Well, we had a blast! We were able to get some good talking in with our friends, eat some delicious food, including some of the best fried pickles that I have ever tasted. It reminded me of Magdalena in a sweet way because that was one of my biggest cravings when I was pregnant with her. Then, Saturday Noah somehow was able to get me out of the bed because we were going to be able to meet with some missionaries that we served with in Mexico. We had not seen Bryce and Noreen King since we left two years ago. We all met for breakfast, which again was delicious, and we had a wonderful time just catching up. Surprisingly, afterward I didn't go home and nap, but instead went out and about with my mom and nieces. It really was a beautiful, sunny day, which had a good effect on my mood too. To top off a big day, Noah and I went and grilled out with my parents that night.
It was so good to want to get out. With morning sickness and missing Magdalena I have been in a gloomy mood, but a little God-given sunshine can help get over that hump.

Also, a lot of my pregnancy sickness is gone for now, but I still have to keep something in my belly at all times. I feel like the people at work see me eating constantly, and maybe it seems that way to them too! But that baby is hungry! Noah is still in school working on some classes while interning at the church. He is hanging in there too. I can't say that we are fabulous because our hearts are mending around a little hole that will always remain where we miss our sweet, big girl, but we are doing well overall. God has drawn us together in this hard time, and we are finding a new way of loving each other during this new time too.
Thank you for all of your prayers. God is so faithful to this little family.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Magdalena's Feet

March 13th is going to be the last day to order our team t-shirt for Walk for Babies! They are $15 plus $3 if I need to mail it to you. You can email me your size.

Thank for your help raising money to help ALL babies!
To get another glimpse at the shirt click on the following link..