Sunday, March 29, 2009

Bad Days Mixed with the Good Ones

The last week was pretty tough, and I can't tell you anything that made this one different from the rest. While most days I can find myself thinking about Magdalena, talking about her to friends, and organizing her things, one day it just comes crashing in on me. By last Thursday every thing that I did throughout the day was forced. I had to keep myself moving because the world doesn't stop even when I need a break, and I think most people who have lost someone they love can understand this. I have had honest, new friends ask how I am doing and if I prefer Magdalena to be brought up or not. There would be very few things for me to discuss without bringing up her in some form. She has truly shaped me and forever is with me. So I always warn them that on certain days bringing her up may make me cry, but I don't think that I will ever move past that. I think in the years to come I will truly learn who my real friends are because those are the people who will love me despite all of my random tears. Ten, twenty years from now there may be certain things that will make me cry when thinking of my sweet baby.

I had been considering buying Magdalena an Easter basket with her name monogrammed on it, and I went back and forth on it until it was too late. They were sold out where I had found them online, which meant that if I wanted it I would have to go into a store where I knew that I would be questioned about the person I was buying it for. So my sweet husband called our favorite store, Sweet Dreams, because if they had baskets, I knew that I wouldn't have to answer a lot of questions. But when going there on Friday to order it I didn't even make it through the transaction without my eyes watering, but thankfully I held it mostly in until I got to the car. The lady asked me the name that I wanted on the basket, and she looked up to see my face and knew. No more questions asked. There are so many things that I do that I am sure people will wonder why, but through the encouragement of my sweet friend, Laura, who had lost a child, I knew that if I needed to get that basket it would be ok. You do what it takes to make it through the holidays, which are the most difficult. My second child will be born about a year after Magdalena, and because of the closeness, I want him/her to grow up knowing her as much as possible. For her to have her own Christmas stocking, Easter basket, etc. acknowledges that she is still and forever remains part of our family, our hearts. I can't wait for all of your to see her basket because it is a perfect shade of pink, perfect in honor of her. On the way home, without even planning it, I turned into the cementary just to see where her place was. Once I found it I didn't even get out of the car, but just stopped to look wishing that I had brought flowers.

This morning the tears continued before I even got out of bed. I thought about her kissable cheeks, little hands, and cuddly little self. Oh, how I miss her! I am ready to be on a roll of better days again, ones that I can think of her and enjoy her without so much pain. I know that she is so happy right now laughing and dancing, but my heart longs to hold her again.

23 comments:

  1. I think about you all the time...you are incredibly strong. Never, ever feel bad about crying for your baby girl. You miss her. Do things that make you feel good about the time you share-no matter what other people think.

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  2. Anonymous6:42 PM

    Do what you need to do and do not worry about what others think. Our family continues to celebrate my nephew's birthday 15 years after he left us. He will always be a part of us and his younger brother knows all about him. We still enjoy the joy he brought us.

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  3. Bless your heart. :( Our first daughter was due on Easter Sunday last year..She was born sleeping )T18) at 32 weeks in January though. I barely made it through the day. Last year we bought a bigger bunny at wal mart with a little pink rattle you can take off, and said we would give it to our next daughter on her first Easter, from her big sister. Sadly we lost that first little sister just 9 weeks in .. But thankfully now we are pregnant with yet another little girl - And just found out this past week, that she has no markers and is growing perfectly and healthy! :)

    I think it's hard for people to understand things if they haven't been there..We have bought Hallie and Ava birthstone angels and everything, and have a set of shelves just for them and their things..It helps us to keep them included in holidays, especially.

    http://cestep.blogspot.com

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  4. I am praying for you. I wish I was able to just give you a hug whenever you need it. I can't do that...but I can pray for you.

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  5. Julie,

    Your strength and honesty is beyond refreshing. While I cannot begin to imagine, even through your blog, what you and Noah are experiencing every minute of every day, I hope that you know and trust in your heart that many people are lifting you up in prayer. Thank you for your vulnerabilty. May Magdalena's sweet memory live on, through pictures and videos and Easter baskets...it's the little things that catch her spirit and help it remain in our hearts. So much love and so many prayers heading your way.

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  6. what a wonderful thing to do! Not a day goes by that I don't think about your sweet little girl. When we dress Kendall in pink I always tell her "pink just like Magdalena"

    praying and praising for your little girl.........

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  7. Hey Julie,

    I'm praying for you to be encouraged. I don't have any special words, just a big hug.

    Love you much,
    Kimberly

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  8. You remain daily in my prayers...

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  9. Julie, I understand this will not ease your pain but your openness has helped those of us who have not walked in your shoes to see even a glimpse of your grief. I am one of those people who never knows what to say to those who live my worst nightmares. I want to know and to be a comfort. Because of you and your precious baby, I am learning how to "be there" for others. Thank you...

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  10. I really do think about you all the time!! Little things will make me think of you, or your sweet baby girl. Some days I think that I should stop following your blog, because my heart hurts so badly for yall and sometimes I can't even make it through your post without crying! But I think the thing that keeps me coming back is your strength! You have such an amazing spiritual strength. I just admire that so much!!! I cannot wait to see how God blesses you and you family in the future...and that's why I will never stop following your blog. By the way, just know that even the strongest people have their weak days. And I think that on those days, the Lord just wants to hold you in His lap. Let Him do that today...just let Him be your comfort.

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  11. Its true that in 10 , 20 years from now there will still be things that bring tears to your eyes. A mothers heart never forgets...and she will always have a huge part of your heart. I think its sweet that you bought Magdalena a Easter basket. what a nice way to remember your girl and to make it through another holiday without her. If you need to buy her something every Easter..or every special holiday for that matter go ahead and do it. Magdalena will not be forgotten, she holds a piece of too many peoples hearts. Hang in there mama, the good days will start to outnumber the bad ones but she will always be there...and so the tears will never be too far away either. Its a new normal I guess.

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  12. I am praying for you Julie.

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  13. I forgot to add...I am so happy you got her a basket. I think that is so sweet! One day, you will be ready to take flowers and things to her resting place....you will know in your heart when you are ready.

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  14. I'm glad you had a place to go where you wouldn't feel you needed to explain your actions, and I think buying her an Easter basket is a sweet thing. I think being yourself, and honoring and continuing to love her in your own ways, are what mark you as her mommy, what make your relationship to her unique. I learn a lot from you, about us needing to be ourselves, and about daring to do what feels right to us. I wish I was as wise as you are. You're a wonderful mom.

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  15. So many ups and downs for sure. You are a strong mommy and you are honoring her well. I would agree...I have found my faithful friends through the midst of the dark and light times. They are still there holding my hand and talking about Larson. They are not uncomfortable and they love him. Sending you hugs. Magdelenas sibling will be so honored to call her sister.

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  16. Praying for peace and asking that you can Rest in Jesus loving arms.

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  17. praying for you tonight! praying for comfort on the hard days - 'He sees each tear that falls...'

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  18. I've been reading your blog, celebrating and mourning with you, for awhile now, but I don't think I've ever commented.

    Our first son was born still, due to a cord accident. We were heartbroken. A year and a half later, it feels as fresh as if it were yesterday, and doesn't take much for me to cry. And then there are days that are much easier. You won't ever forget and no one expects you to. Just do whatever you need to do to get through each day, each holiday, each year... sweet Magdalena is so interwoven in your heart and life story that to leave her out just wouldn't make sense.

    Thanks for your vulnerability. You and your family are loved!

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  19. Anonymous1:36 AM

    You are an amazing woman! I just wanted to tell you that. Your child was truly blessed to have a family like yours.

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  20. Never plan for your emosions to ever be normal. Normal changes when you become a parent!
    Always include her you may cry,laugh, or even sometimes scream! I cry more than I ever thought possible I just look at my 9 year olds face and think about the struggles and happy times of when he started his life at 24 weeks.
    As far as the store the other day you can always call me!!! I will meet you at the store after hours. I have done this for other mothers who just needed to be alone a few minutes. We have sat in the rockers and cried,laughed, or just talked. You know your sweet girl is very special to us!

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  21. You are such a sweet Mom and a dear woman to share your heart with us.

    Prayers for lots of better days ahead but never, ever feel bad about missing your precious Magdalena. She is loved, she is missed and cherished and always will be.

    Love,
    Kathy

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  22. Aw, that Easter basket sounds so sweet! I can't imagine what you're going through and all the ups and downs. I think you feel what you feel and it's great you're doing whatever you need to do. I think God gave us emotions for a reason and it's great to express them.

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  23. I love that you got the Easter Basket and I am sure that it will bring your family closer together and help you share Magdelena with them. I wanted to share a blog address of someone that is also going through loss and what she has decided to do with the Easter Basket of her little one that will help remind her family of the living Christ. The March 10th, 19th and 29th posts is where she talks about her new Easter traditions. http://adailyscoop.blogspot.com. She has also found amazing ways to keep her little Camille a part of their Christmas traditions also.

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