The last week was pretty tough, and I can't tell you anything that made this one different from the rest. While most days I can find myself thinking about Magdalena, talking about her to friends, and organizing her things, one day it just comes crashing in on me. By last Thursday every thing that I did throughout the day was forced. I had to keep myself moving because the world doesn't stop even when I need a break, and I think most people who have lost someone they love can understand this. I have had honest, new friends ask how I am doing and if I prefer Magdalena to be brought up or not. There would be very few things for me to discuss without bringing up her in some form. She has truly shaped me and forever is with me. So I always warn them that on certain days bringing her up may make me cry, but I don't think that I will ever move past that. I think in the years to come I will truly learn who my real friends are because those are the people who will love me despite all of my random tears. Ten, twenty years from now there may be certain things that will make me cry when thinking of my sweet baby.
I had been considering buying Magdalena an Easter basket with her name monogrammed on it, and I went back and forth on it until it was too late. They were sold out where I had found them online, which meant that if I wanted it I would have to go into a store where I knew that I would be questioned about the person I was buying it for. So my sweet husband called our favorite store, Sweet Dreams, because if they had baskets, I knew that I wouldn't have to answer a lot of questions. But when going there on Friday to order it I didn't even make it through the transaction without my eyes watering, but thankfully I held it mostly in until I got to the car. The lady asked me the name that I wanted on the basket, and she looked up to see my face and knew. No more questions asked. There are so many things that I do that I am sure people will wonder why, but through the encouragement of my sweet friend, Laura, who had lost a child, I knew that if I needed to get that basket it would be ok. You do what it takes to make it through the holidays, which are the most difficult. My second child will be born about a year after Magdalena, and because of the closeness, I want him/her to grow up knowing her as much as possible. For her to have her own Christmas stocking, Easter basket, etc. acknowledges that she is still and forever remains part of our family, our hearts. I can't wait for all of your to see her basket because it is a perfect shade of pink, perfect in honor of her. On the way home, without even planning it, I turned into the cementary just to see where her place was. Once I found it I didn't even get out of the car, but just stopped to look wishing that I had brought flowers.
This morning the tears continued before I even got out of bed. I thought about her kissable cheeks, little hands, and cuddly little self. Oh, how I miss her! I am ready to be on a roll of better days again, ones that I can think of her and enjoy her without so much pain. I know that she is so happy right now laughing and dancing, but my heart longs to hold her again.