Monday, February 09, 2009

Making the Decision to Not Make the Decision

I get the question, "Are you going to have any more kids?" asked often. Since finding out Magdalena's diagnosis it was always a tough question to answer. We had always envisioned ourselves with multiple children, but there was always the lingering thought of having to endure this difficult situation again. Although it is less than a one percent chance that we would have another child with T18, the percentage still exists. When pregnant, I said multiple times that I couldn't do this again and my mom constantly reminded me that it is not always that difficult. Being pregnant was physically uncomfortable, but I was referring to the constant emotional exhaustion.
As Magdalena continued to do well, Noah and I weren't sure when to begin thinking about other children. Noah and I discussed that I would work really hard at losing my weight, but I was willing to be five pounds more than what I was originally. People poked fun at my not eating Magdalena's birthday cakes and being picky, but by December I lacked seven pounds to return to my original weight. And because I didn't get to exercise much, I was amazed that it was possible and I know that God really gave me the willpower to do this. In December, Noah and I rediscussed other children. It was just a difficult issue because I didn't know if I would have the strength to do it once Magdalena passed away, and she was doing so well at the time! I struggled with the idea that my other children would not have any connections to Magdalena. They would never know her on this earth. Knowing how close my sisters and I are, I really had a hard time thinking on this. I thought that even if Magdalena met her brother or sister while in the womb there would be a connection. I remember being pregnant with Magdalena, and every time I held Landon she would squirm like crazy. I loved that. Also, I really began to think of how much fun it would be to introduce my pregnancy to the world by Magdalena wearing a big sis shirt, just as her cousins had done.
So Noah and I made the decision not to make the decision. We would not determine for ourselves when the best time would be for us to have other children. We just knew that God would give us another child when He thought we were ready. I then decided that I would go ahead and order Magdalena a big sis shirt (it was impossible to find a small one for her). I tried never to put anything off, and I ordered it immediately. I wanted to at least get a picture of her in it so that even if she wasn't with us, I had her wearing it. The day before Magdalena went to be with Jesus I picked up her little onesie from the store where I had ordered it. Magdalena just didn't feel well that day, so Lori and I decided to wait until she felt a little better before taking pictures. Lori has a really great camera so she was going to be the photographer. Magdalena passed before we got that picture taken. I don't regret not taking it, though, because she didn't feel well, and I would have hated to put her through that knowing how awful she was feeling. I don't regret paying too much for this little bittie outfit because I get to look at it and hold it.
A week after Magdalena's celebration I took a pregnancy test without telling Noah. The line did not immediately appear, but then, I saw it. I ran downstairs yelling "Noah!" and asking him if he saw the pink line too. After getting over the shock of thinking he saw one, he realized, like I did, that there was a line. Ok, so, we might sound crazy, but we thought that we might have been crazy. I remembered that there had been a free digital example in the box that I bought, so I took it for a clearer answer. And this is what I got...Noah and I were definitely sure then, and we hugged and cried, and we realized happily that Magdalena did get to meet her little brother or sister.
Along with all of these ecstatic emotions comes many fearful ones too. It is so early right now that there is a possibility of a miscarriage and of other things happening. How ever long God should ordain this pregnancy to last, Noah and I will not be unaware and ignorant to the possibilities of losing this child. And we are praying that God will let us keep this one. We have known since before our DC trip, but I have been hestitant to tell people. Noah is supporting me in telling when I am comfortable, but today I realized that I am far from being comfortable telling people. But with all that is happening in our lives, our family needs to be able to share in a little joy. A hope that God will give us this new life to us while He calls others to be at home with Him.

100 comments:

  1. Wow! I have been following your blog for a couple months now and you have me in tears for the 1st time.

    What wonderful news for such a wonderful loving family. You really deserve the best, and I know you got that in Magdalena, and you will with all your children to come.

    Her brothers and sisters will get to know her from your inspiring stories to the photos you keep. They'll grow up to love and cherish her memory and her as if she were walking on the ground beside them.

    I am overjoyed, congratulations.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous9:11 PM

    Oh my gosh, Julie! Congratulations! I will add your pregnancy to my prayer list as well!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Congratulations! I will keep you in my prayers for a healthy and happy pregnancy.

    ReplyDelete
  4. When we talked earlier, I thought my heart would burst. I had conflicting emotions too (again, only a fraction of what y'all must be going through). Joy, fear, sadness for the loss of Magdalena's earthly body. After getting off the phone, I prayed for y'all and was comforted to remember that God is holding onto y'all and not me. We will love this sweet little one even while in the womb, just the way we loved Magdalena. I praise and thank God for the blessing of life...

    ReplyDelete
  5. And I meant to say "and continue to" love Magdalena... So many thoughts, I'm having trouble getting it all out. Love y'all!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Congratulations! Keeping you in continued prayers, now for a healthy pregnancy, and for God's continued hand in your lives. You are in His grip.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Congrats!! I will pray that you have a full term, blessed pregnancy!! God always works in mysterious ways!! He knows the desires of our hearts!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Great news! We are so excited for y'all and I'm am sure Nettie and Olivia will love to find out tomorrow. Nettie still prays for "Ms. Noah and Ms. Julie" and thanks Jesus that Magdalena is in heaven with Him. Now, I know that she and Olivia will be excited to pray for this new little one as well. Praise be to God.
    Russ, Rachel, Nettie and Livie

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh yes. The gown is absolutely precious! I am so glad you ordered it...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Wow!!! What wonderful, happy, exciting news!!!! I am thrilled for both of you:)

    ReplyDelete
  11. How wonderful. I'm so happy for you guys and can't wait to hear the many details to come. Congratulations!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Magdalena is going to be the perfect guardian angel.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anonymous9:36 PM

    What a sweet thought, Magdalena, the big sis and guardian angel.
    Blessings to your new baby.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous9:37 PM

    Eat that cake girl!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Praising God for another blessing for the two of you.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am crying SUCH happy tears for a family that I have never met....but I have kept you in my heart and prayers since coming across your blog many months ago. What a wonderful blessing this is....Magdalena is looking over you...and smiling with you, knowing that she has met her baby brother or sister in the most magical place of all!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Anonymous9:52 PM

    I'm sure Magdalena will be the best big sister. We are continuing to pray for your family.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Anonymous9:57 PM

    this is just the best news ive heard all day! congratulations. we are so glad for you.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Cheryl10:00 PM

    You busted! Whew! Now I can blab, blab, and blab!! I second that motion to eat that cake girl!! My heart will be with you when you go see good ole James. I know he is so thrilled! I love ya'll and I have loved and prayed for Magdalena's little bro/sis since I first knew. You'll make it, Julie! We will all be here to help carry you and Noah through. Most of all, the Lord's love and Magdalena's love will not let you go

    ReplyDelete
  20. Anonymous10:00 PM

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and all of your family. May God see you through. Children are a gift from God.

    ReplyDelete
  21. CONGRATULATIONS!!! What exciting news! I will be praying that you will have a very uneventful (and easy!) pregnancy and this baby will be everything God has planned for him/her to be!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Julie, it has been years since I have seen you, and I have been following your blog since I first read about Magdelena on the Clinton News website. As a new mom myself, your words are such a reminder of what a blessing motherhood is, no matter if it's for a few months, weeks, or a lifetime. I nearly lost my own daughter right after she was born, and I don't know if I would have had the peace about it that you seem to have. I pray for you, your husband and this new little life. God is always at work, isn't He?

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh.Oh. You took my breath away when I saw the "yes+"

    Congratulations. That is lovely news and I pray you will be blessed with a healthy baby.

    Thank you for sharing, even though I am a stranger I have prayed for you. And now I can continue in a new way!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Congratulations Julie, I am so happy for you!

    ReplyDelete
  25. That is awesome. Really awesome. Praying for you and Magdalena's little brother or sister.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Congratulations on your YES! How precious that you have that sweet sweet outfit too - and even as you were buying it - it was already a truth!
    I am sorry to hear of your grandfather's passing - but what a comforting picture to think of him getting to snuggle with his great granddaughter!
    We may never meet this side of heaven, but you and your family remain in my prayers!!!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Christy10:35 PM

    Congratulations!

    ReplyDelete
  28. YEAH!!!I AM SOOOOO EXCITED!!!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Oh that is so exciting! Congratulations! I will continue to pray for your family and now for your pregnancy. God is wonderful!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Oh, Julie! How exciting. I will be praying that God gives you a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I almost said joy-filled (which would be a prayer as well) but I know that you were joy-filled with Magdalena!

    ReplyDelete
  31. I have been reading your blog for a while now, but I've never left a comment. I just wanted to say that I am SO happy for you and so excited about this new little life. God is SO GOOD! My hubby and I will keep you in our prayers for a safe and healthy pregnancy. Best wishes!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Congratulations. We will be praying for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Your new baby will definitely have the sweetest guardian angel watching down on them from heaven. Congratulations!

    ReplyDelete
  34. rejoicing in the Lord's goodness! and praying for his continued blessings in this pregnancy!!
    yay!!! this is a lucky baby to have Magdalena as a big sister ~ he or she will have to learn to giggle just like Magdalena did :)

    ReplyDelete
  35. so happy for you

    ReplyDelete
  36. I am so happy for you! I know that our lives are so much lighter since we were given the chance to LOVE a baby in our arms after our sweet Mackenzie died. It was like a life line was dropped from God. We have sweeter memories of Mackenzie now that we can share.

    God will carry you through, I am praying for you to have an uneventful pregnancy and to feel well. I am praying for this new life inside you......... what a blessing from God.

    Your post just gave me goose bumps I am praising God for his blessing.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I am so thrilled for you Julie!!

    As a mother who has been pregnant 5 times but I only have two children with me, I know how difficult it is to not worry with every pregnancy...but I have faith that you will get to keep this little one.. I can feel it in my soul..I am so sure of this!

    Magdalena is watching over you and her little sibbling.. and the fact that they were(are) close to each other is fantastic...

    I know that your pain must be an ever changing thing.. no two days are the same, but I also know that this little person will bring you more and more joy every day!

    Magdalena will always be the big sister..

    What a blessing!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Oh my goodness! Tears of joy are running down my face--what wonderful news!! We are so happy for you all and will be praying for this new little one. I understand-to a certain extent--the fear you have right now, but rejoice in the new life God has given you.

    Rest in His love,
    Noele for the Sadlers

    ReplyDelete
  39. Congratulations!!! What a joy that God did in fact allow Magdelena to meet her little brother/sister when he/she was only a couple weeks old inside you. His timing in perfect. And Magdelena will have tremendoes impact on this second baby through the way that she has impacted you.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Congratulations Julie and Noah! I remember the incredible joy of learning that we were pregnant with Bryce shortly after we lost Anna Katherine - but I can't begin to imagine the emotions you have as you marvel at God's timing and handywork - what a true testimony to God's timing. We are praying for you in this difficult and joyous time - May God continue to pour out His blessings on you, this little one and your family!

    ReplyDelete
  41. I am so, so happy for you. I know that this brings sadness and elation. I was holding my breath the entire post, praying you had been blessed! You and Noah are in my thoughts and prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  42. Congratulations Julie and Noah!! This post is just beautiful and shows the grace of God in all things.
    Magdalena will be a big sister and I know your grandpa is holding her in heaven. I am praying for this new life you are carrying as I did for her and ask God to bless you with His peace and joy. It is all in His hands as you well know. I am so happy for your blessing.

    Love and Hugs, Laurie

    ReplyDelete
  43. Anonymous8:14 AM

    I am sooooo excited for you both!! So exciting. I can imagine the nerves and and anxiety mixed with the excitement. You guys are in OUR prayers for always. Keep us updated on how it all goes!!!! Love!!

    Sonia

    ReplyDelete
  44. Anonymous8:17 AM

    We are so so so excited for you all. Joanna called from the parking lot at CHS to tell me to go read your blog! And I just knew as I was reading what the out come would be! Congratulations and we are praying for you and with you and around you that the Lord will be glorified in all things! Magdalena will have a big sister or brother - and that is the most awesomest thing! We love you!

    ReplyDelete
  45. Heather8:24 AM

    CONGRATS!!!! I felt the same way after losing my twins at 22 weeks. I just didnt know if i wanted to go thur pain like that again and have the chance to lose another child. A year and a month after i lost my babies i found out i was pregnant again.. now Addison is 4 months old. God is good! Just pray and everything will work out! Congrats again! : )

    ReplyDelete
  46. Margarita8:38 AM

    lol! You made me giggle when I saw that you took a pic of the pregnacy test =) Dawn texted me earlier this morning and told me to go read your blog and I automatically assumed you were pregnant again and here you are-with child!! Congratulations!

    ReplyDelete
  47. So happy for you both :) I will pray for a healthy pregnancy as well as a healthy baby. God Bless...

    ReplyDelete
  48. Congratulations! I have been praying for you and Noah. Magdalena will make a wonderful guardian angel!

    ReplyDelete
  49. Congratulations Julie! We will now also pray for your new little baby and that this pregnancy will be easier on you.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Wow, congratulations!! We will keep you and this little one and Noah in our prayers!!! I will pray for peace for you as you are dealing with many emotions right now!!

    Yay, yay, yay!! Another sweet baby!

    ReplyDelete
  51. Praise God! I'm so happy for you guys. I pray that you will have an easy pregnancy and that you will get to keep this one. God bless.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Congrats!! How exciting!

    ReplyDelete
  53. Congratulations Julie and Noah! This baby will have the most wonderful guardian angel!

    ReplyDelete
  54. What a wonderful blessing!

    ReplyDelete
  55. Congratulations! I don't know if you have read Molly Piper (daughter-in-law of John Piper) and her family blog but I think of you when I read it! You might want to check it out! We will be praying for you and Noah and this new life! God is SO good!

    ReplyDelete
  56. The Lord takes.
    The Lord gives.
    Blessed be His Name forevermore.

    ReplyDelete
  57. Congratulations! I am so happy for you both....I continue to pray for you.

    ReplyDelete
  58. So so happy for you & your entire family with a new little bundle of love. I look forward to reading about the progression of your pregnancy through your blog. He/she couldn't have a better guardian angel than big sis Magdalena, who no doubt is beaming with pride!

    ReplyDelete
  59. Anonymous10:24 AM

    Congratulations! I will pray for you every day!

    ReplyDelete
  60. Wow! Yea! I will most definitely be keeping you and Magdelena's little sibling in my prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  61. I am so happy for ya'll. I will keep you in my thoughts a prayers. Congrats!

    ReplyDelete
  62. Congrats!!

    I will be praying for you two to find joy and peace throughout this pregnancy.

    with love,
    Trish
    Max's mommy

    ReplyDelete
  63. What wonderful news!!! I am so happy for you guys! I know Magdalena is the proudest big sister ever. I pray for a wonderful pregnancy! Congrats guys - my heart is so overjoyed right now!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  64. WOW...Congratulations!! May God bless you and Noah with a healthy baby!!
    And what a beautiful thought to know that big sister Magdalena did for sure meet her baby brother or sister!!

    ReplyDelete
  65. Oh, how special! I have been praying for you about having another baby, and I'm thrilled that you are pregnant. I am praying now that God will bless and protect your little one. Thanks for sharing this sweet news!

    ReplyDelete
  66. I'm so happy for you, Julie. For some reason, my computer wouldn't let me get to read your post yesterday, but today I was having a bad day, and this was exactly the sort of news I needed to hear. What a blessing Magdalena's little brother or sister will be. I'm glad you took so many pictures, so you can tell many stories about the big sister, and have such beautiful pictures to go along with the stories. I will be praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
  67. Anonymous12:52 PM

    Congrats!! I'm so happy for you and Noah!!

    Michelle Robinson

    ReplyDelete
  68. Congrats to you! Thank you for sharing this wonderful news.

    ReplyDelete
  69. Wow! I've been following your blog since right before Magdelena was born and have been feeling the highs and lows right along with you. I am so happy for you and Noah! What a wonderful thought that your baby girl was still with y'all at the start of this pregnancy! God is so gracious and awesome. I will be praying for you and your new little one.

    ReplyDelete
  70. Congratulations! Praying for a healthy wonderful pregnancy! So glad Magdalena got to meet her baby brother/sister before she passed. Love her sweet little gown, so precious!

    ReplyDelete
  71. I just ran around the office telling all the other ladies! We keep up with your story, and we are all ecstatic about this current pregnancy! I have experienced a miscarriage, and I know how hard it can be....so my prayer right now is that God will bring you and the baby safely through the first trimester! Keep us all updated! Much love from Brookhaven, MS!

    ReplyDelete
  72. Congratulations Julie and Noah! I am so very happy for the both of you (and big sis Magdalena up in Heaven.) :-) I will continue to keep you and your new addition in my prayers. So happy for you!! Yay!

    ReplyDelete
  73. Congratulations on your wonderful news!! Pregnancy is a bit more complicated and scarey once you've lost a baby that is for sure. The innocence is gone...but that doesn't make it anyless amazing, probably more so. You will treasure every minute, day and year with this new little one. Magdalena's siblings will know who she is and will be able to celebrate her birthdays in heaven with you. My three never met their brother but they know about him, they know they have a brother in heaven. Not every kid can brag about having a sibling who is already with Jesus! Banish your fears and thoroughly enjoy this new blessing you have been given :)

    ReplyDelete
  74. oh my goodness! tears and goosebumps over here!

    This is wonderful news.
    I hope it is comforting that God is speaking loud and clearly and saying Yes!

    I think when you're pregnant the second go around, regardless of the first experience, the awareness is magnified 1000% ... that is comforting but it is also scary at the same time.

    Continue to give everything to God and be thankful of everyday and experience...and cherish every moment you have with your pregnancy because in the end, whenever whatever happens...you will be able to look back and not change the way you acted.

    I hope that makes sense.

    ReplyDelete
  75. God loves you in a most special kind of way. :)

    ReplyDelete
  76. Congratulations! Magdalena is a special big sister, and both of your babies are so lucky to have you and Noah for parents. Best wishes!

    ReplyDelete
  77. Wow! Congratulations! I am in tears for you! What amazing news. It truly is wonderful how the Lord works. I had a miscarriage back in September (and while certainly not close to the level of pain that you have/are dealing with, it was difficult.) My husband & I discussed when/if we should "try" again and eventually decided exactly what you & your husband decided - we were going to give it to Him and not worry about it ourselves. Amazingly, I got pregnant just 17 days after I lost our little angel and I'm now 21 weeks along with a healthy little boy. I am so thankful for God's grace, He truly is awesome.

    I will add your new little one & your health to my prayer list. Praying so hard for you all...
    Hugs & prayers,
    Erika

    ReplyDelete
  78. OH bless your heart! I'm currently pregnant after losing two daughters to chromosome abnormalities. I will be praying very hard for you and for this new little angel...I'm sure Magdalena is smiling down on all three of you, and maybe even had a hand in the planning. :)

    PS do you visit trisomy18support.org ? They have a subsequent pregnancy message board and it has been so helpful, encouraging, and uplifting for me. :) I am Mrs_E on there.

    God Bless!

    ReplyDelete
  79. What incredible news! How incredibly personal our God is!! He is good and his love endures!

    ReplyDelete
  80. Parke Fowler9:34 PM

    What joyful news!!!!! We will pray for you in this great new part of your journey! To God Be the Glory Great Things He has done!!

    ReplyDelete
  81. When Lori told us last night at Bunko, I was so excited! :o) We serve an amazing God...I'm so happy for you all. "You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name." Praying for your family.

    ReplyDelete
  82. Hi Noah and Julie,
    I am SO excited for you both! I cannot imagine all the emotions you are going through with the passing of two such important people and the discovery of a new life....WOW! I was overcome with emotions reading about all that has happened and I haven't even met you yet. But you know the thing that made me stop and breathe and realize everything was alright was the fact that Magdalena was alive to "meet" her little brother or sister. How amazing is that? I wish you both the very best and can't wait to read about this next amazing chapter of your lives. Take care. Love and best wishes...Dawn Fosbury and family

    ReplyDelete
  83. God bless you both. You are in my thoughts and my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  84. Congratulations! God is amazing, isn't He? Your unwavering faith amazes me and I am so glad you had the strength and insight to share your story with others.

    ReplyDelete
  85. Let me start by saying how sorry I am for the loss of your grandfather, but as you know he is in a wonderful place. Next, I am so please that Magdalena, lil Ms. Big Sis was able to meet her sis brother. Praying for your pregnancy to be joyfilled!

    ReplyDelete
  86. Oh my goodness!! Julie and Noah, I am so incredibly happy for you!!! And I'm thrilled with you that Magdelena got to meet her little... sibling on this earth. She knew before you did! Lots of love and excitement to you and your extended family!

    ReplyDelete
  87. Anonymous12:25 AM

    Bless you, bless you, bless you. God is in control and he will be with you always.

    ReplyDelete
  88. Anonymous6:46 AM

    Congratulations! This child will be lucky to be able to call you Mommy and Daddy, just as sweet Magdalena was. This child will know that sweet, beautiful angel. They will know her through stories and pictures. And last but not least, that incredible love she had. May this pregnancy go very, very easy.

    Hugs and Smiles,
    Lisa

    ReplyDelete
  89. Anonymous7:37 AM

    I am not sure if you have ever been to the blog A Little Slice of Heaven but they have been through very similar situation as your family. Here is the blog address http://tstapes.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  90. Anonymous8:14 AM

    Sending lots of prayers your way for you, Noah, new baby and big Sis Magdalena.

    Congratulations!

    ReplyDelete
  91. Anonymous10:10 AM

    Julie,
    I am so happy for you! I have been praying for you daily and will now continue praying for your second unborn child as well. Praying that you feel the arms of our Heavenly Father around you as you walk through these days without your sweet baby girl. Praying for a peace that passes all understanding, Wendy

    ReplyDelete
  92. Anonymous6:13 PM

    Congradtulations, I will continue to pray for you and your family.

    I know when I was a young girl, I knew my grandma had passed away before most of my siblings and I were born, so I thought that my grandma was up in heaven with God picking the most perfect babies in the "nursery." I'm sure Magdalena is with God right now picking out the best little sibling ever.

    I wish you and your family a safe and healthy pregnancy, and many more years of love and joy.

    ReplyDelete
  93. You, Noah and Magdalena will be in my prayers for yall's "gift from God" I feel Magdalena does already know this baby.....God Bless all 4 of you!

    ReplyDelete
  94. Halleluja! Amen! I'm so glad Magdalena got to meet him/her. How special! I will be praying!

    ReplyDelete
  95. Amazing!! God is good!! You are so blessed and I know the two of you will walk in God's light!!
    I pray for peace during this next chapter of your lives!!
    I will look forward to following your blog more!!
    Diane

    ReplyDelete
  96. Anonymous2:42 PM

    I sat here and cried looking at all the pink shirt pictures and then scrolled down, not realizing that I had missed a post. Reading your happy words made me cry again. I am praying that this little brother or sister will outlive us all, telling the world about his/her wonderfully special big sister.

    God bless you all.

    Lys
    Hampton, VA

    ReplyDelete
  97. Congratulations! I am so happy for your family! I will be praying for you and for your new little one!

    ReplyDelete
  98. Linda8:30 AM

    Congratulations! You will be in my prayers for a healthy baby! You are so deserving. Magdalena will be honored to be a big sister.

    Linda from Texas.

    ReplyDelete
  99. Aw, I am so happy to hear that your baby M got to meet her little brother or sister after all :-) You guys are amazing, and I wish you all the best with this pregnancy!

    http://autumnjerry.net/

    ReplyDelete

I love to hear from you!