Sunday, January 31, 2010

Learning to Let Go

I have heard that it is hard to let go and allow your children to do things on their own. It seems hard now, so it is hard to imagine what lies ahead. Walt wants to hold his head up on his own, hold his toy on his own, and I am wanting the time to go by more slowly so that I can enjoy this stage of life longer. Every mom is over protective, but I feel too protective of him. I know that I need to give him to God because that is where is health and safety lie, but it is so hard. Before I go to sleep I go to check on him. I lay my hand on his chest to let the sound of his breathing soothe me because when I can't see his chest rise and fall I get nervous. Because he wants to grab things, and he also wants to put them in his mouth, I have become a little obsessed with his breathing. Can this suffocate him? Would he move it away from his mouth if it was? I know that he is God's child, but I really want to keep this one for a long while. I am praying so hard that God will calm my heart and give me comfort so that I am fully assured that he is in control. I can say it, but some days it is harder to live it. I praise God that I was able to hold Magdalena when she took her last breath on this earth, but I beg God for mercy, and that she will be the only child of mine who goes to be with him before I do.

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. Psalm 56:3

Psalm 62:8
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.

Psalm 125:1
Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be moved, but abides forever.

I am praying that God will allow me to fully believe in His word, so I will give Him all of my worst fears, bad dreams, and I will praise Him when I live free from these chains that hold me down.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Love Them Like Jesus

Thank you for responding to my last post. It will be amazing to see what God does in the months ahead. We are not planning to sell the hankies, but through donations made mail them to special mommies who have lost a child. It may be a little while before thing get in motion, but if you know of someone who has lost a child, please, email me their info.
We are working on the finishing touches, and I am hoping to post a picture of one soon. It isn't about mailing a hankie, but it is about loving on these parents who are experiencing one of the worst kinds of pain. We want to let them know about the joy that will help them through the storm and hold them.

I heard this song the morning I decided the name would be Joy in the Morning, and I knew that this was exactly what I wanted to do. Although I don't know the details, I know that I want to love them like Jesus.

Thank you, Casting Crowns, for writing so many songs that has pointed me to Jesus in the last two years. This is a section of their song "Love them like Jesus".

The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to grey
As the little one slips away

You’re holding their hand, you’re straining for words
You’re trying to make sense of it all
They’re desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They’re looking to you

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus

Monday, January 18, 2010

Joy In The Morning

Well, this week has been overwhelming. Noah has been in school while I started a new job. I can't believe that it has been a year since I held my sweet baby. It feels like yesterday but at the same time it feels so far away. I continue to long for the day when I will see her again, but I have begun to realize that ache will always be there. I will see it when my nephew, who was born the same year as Magdalena, reaches certain milestones. I will see it when a little girl runs to her daddy. It will be there when Walt makes the same expression as Magdalena when their forehead wrinkles, and their eyes talk for them. I pray that God will continue to bless us with his peace in the years to come.

For months I have really been thinking about starting a non-profit organization to offer support to families who have lost a child, but I have not been quite sure what I have to offer them. The thought has continued to follow me, and I realized that although I adore March of Dimes and Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep because they offer such great things for parents, but they don't offer the ultimate gift, Jesus Christ. I also realized that there are many who have not lost children but have been given gifts and have been called to serve those that have. Then, in early fall God revealed to me something so small that has set the wheels in motion.

I was sobbing as I drove home from work. I received and continue to receive emails of those who have lost a child, but I couldn't get this particular mommy out of my mind. All day my heart was breaking for her, and I wanted to just drive and give her a big hug. She would have no tangible memories of her baby to cherish after she lost him because it happened just weeks before the due date. I got home, and I wobbled (still pregnant with Walt) up the stairs and there was the angel doll hankie that someone had given me.
There had been a two week waiting period between when I had the amniocentesis done and when we received the results. The doctors really thought the possibility would be that Magdalena had Down's Syndrome. During the two weeks I had gotten prepared for her to have Down's and dealing with it was hard. My mom and I walked into a gift shop where an old friend was working who gave us this sweet doll hankie. It is meant for a little girl to have as a doll to play with during church, and when she is grown it is a hankie for her wedding day. It was beautiful. And for awhile I have thought about making it a hankie for me to carry around as something tangible from Magdalena, but I haven't had the strength to do it.
When I saw the doll hankie I knew that I wanted to send this woman a hankie. Over the months a gifted friend has helped me to find dainty hankies, and after emailing the owner I can buy them at a cheaper rate. Then, my friend is monogramming them. God gave me the verse that has offered much comfort, Psalm 30:5 "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." We are still working on the details, but this verse will be monogrammed on the hankie. It will offer all the hurting mommies a tangible way to remember their child, a promise from God, and something to catch their tears.

When telling my sister what I was doing she said that I should start an organization, and little did she realize that her verbalizing my thoughts really got me to consider it. I began to think how great it would be to offer counseling groups, forums, and love to these hurting people. And as many great thoughts have come to people in the shower so did the name of this possible organization. I want it to be called "Joy in the Morning". We are not promising that every day will be sunny and happy, but we are going to show them that they can still have joy and peace through Christ. Joy doesn't fluctuate with the mood of the day, but it penetrates to the heart, and it is a gift that only God can give.

There are no details right now because we are still at the planning period, but I beg of all that read this to please pray that God would close any doors that may lead us down the wrong path, and also, that he would give us strength and guidance. Also, pray that God will show those people who may not have ever lost a child but have gifts to help the suffering, how they can help.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


Please pray for my family as we attempt to get through a day where

Noah and I lost a daughter, our first child
Grandparents said goodbye to their granddaughter
Great-Grandparents suffer loss
Aunts and Uncles gave their last hugs
Cousins miss their little friend

But God welcomed his precious daughter home
She is singing. She is dancing. She is praising him. She is healthy.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

New Things

Lots of new things are happening. First, Walt traveled on an airplane for the very first time. It was our first time to see where Kiki and Ry live. And now I am preparing for my new job tomorrow. We are all excited about it, but I will definitely miss my sweet little man! This week is already difficult as we remember our last days with Magdalena. What we were doing with her and not knowing what was coming. I want to remember her this week in a way that she would be proud of her mommy, but it is hard when life continues and she is not there. Please pray for our family as we start a year that exists without her. She continues to have so much of my heart.
First Corinthians 4:17-18
For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Walt and I are about to get on the airplane

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Our First Christmas Without Her

In October I began dreading the quickly approaching holidays, and, yet, I felt determined that Walt have good memories for his first Christmas. Noah and I talked multiple times about going somewhere to spend Christmas so that we were doing something different. I wanted to skip all of the traditions that mean so much to our family because this year they only highlighted my sweet girl's absence. In the end we ended up attempting to make it through the few days. My amazing husband was sure that I knew that we could leave from my parents house at any moment. Although everyone wanted us there, he wanted to protect me as much as possible. We were on our own time schedule this year in hopes that smaller amounts in a particular event would help us to make it through.

While I was getting ready to go to my grandmother's house on Christmas Eve I began to evaluate how important certain traditions are to me. Yes, part of Christmas is family, but this year it felt like the center of it because I was having such a hard time celebrating Christ when my heart longed for Magdalena. It was as though God laid this on my heart so that I was reminded of what the holiday was about, celebrating the gift of a little baby, and that baby grew up to die so that my sweet baby could be with God. Please don't think that I was all happy as though my life lacks pain, but God did give me an enormous amount of peace. Many tears were shed throughout the two days and our decorations came down on the 26th, but we did celebrate.
I have probably written this before, but I do not like going to the cemetery. There it is a visual reminder of why my heart aches. Noah checks up on it for me because he knows how hard it is, but on Christmas Day I knew I wanted to go. With a pink vase full of dark pink and light pink roses I went to say Merry Christmas. I said things that I wanted to tell her so badly, and I thought of that big red balloon she loved so much that she got last Christmas. This year I wanted her to have a splash of pink. God gave us last Christmas. The doctor sent her home to die not knowing that we would actually get to spend so many days and months with her, but our God is bigger than statistics.
Luke 1:37 For nothing will be impossible with God

And now we are beginning a new year. I breathe in a sigh and think it is about time, and then, I am sad because it is just another reminder how life easily goes on around me without her. I hope that this year is full of many happy memories for Noah, Walt, and me.

Psalms 5:11
But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;
let them ever sing for joy,
and spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may exult in you.