Sunday, January 31, 2010

Learning to Let Go

I have heard that it is hard to let go and allow your children to do things on their own. It seems hard now, so it is hard to imagine what lies ahead. Walt wants to hold his head up on his own, hold his toy on his own, and I am wanting the time to go by more slowly so that I can enjoy this stage of life longer. Every mom is over protective, but I feel too protective of him. I know that I need to give him to God because that is where is health and safety lie, but it is so hard. Before I go to sleep I go to check on him. I lay my hand on his chest to let the sound of his breathing soothe me because when I can't see his chest rise and fall I get nervous. Because he wants to grab things, and he also wants to put them in his mouth, I have become a little obsessed with his breathing. Can this suffocate him? Would he move it away from his mouth if it was? I know that he is God's child, but I really want to keep this one for a long while. I am praying so hard that God will calm my heart and give me comfort so that I am fully assured that he is in control. I can say it, but some days it is harder to live it. I praise God that I was able to hold Magdalena when she took her last breath on this earth, but I beg God for mercy, and that she will be the only child of mine who goes to be with him before I do.

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. Psalm 56:3

Psalm 62:8
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.

Psalm 125:1
Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be moved, but abides forever.

I am praying that God will allow me to fully believe in His word, so I will give Him all of my worst fears, bad dreams, and I will praise Him when I live free from these chains that hold me down.

5 comments:

  1. Try an angelcare monitor that will alarm if a baby stops breathing. At just around $100, I've found it to be more than worth the money! I can look at a pendulum moving on the monitor beside my bed and know that my baby boy is okay.

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  2. You are a mommy and that is just wired into us. With what you have been through it is only natural. I know how it is to long for them to stay little for just a little longer. It does not seem like over 4 years ago I had a little 2 lbs 14 oz baby boy. He is now 35 lbs and I can hardly keep up. Praying for you all.

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  3. I don't think that checking on your child before you go to bed is abnormal and the days of putting small objects in the mouth were always a huge concern for me too! We still check both children before we go to bed and they're 7 and 4. Since Carter is in a loft bed that is up high, I stick my hand up and lay it on his chest too. It just reassures me that all is well before I go to sleep at night. Knowing that our children are safe as much as we can control it is a built in instinct, and I can imagine where your instinct is much stronger because you had to let Magdalena go so early in her life. We'll be praying that you can continue to trust God with your sweet boy and that on the days when you struggle, He'll be gentle with you. Isaiah 40:11 "He gently leads those that have young..."

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  4. I do all the very same things with my children, especially when they are teeny tiny. With all you have been through, it's only natural that you both have these feelings and thoughts and do these things. There are few things we can control in our children's lives, but we acheto hold onto and obssess over those which we can.

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  5. Julie, I was reading the other posts and was going to say the same thing! We have very healthy kids, but every now and then, I just have to check on them to make sure they are ok. If I get up in the night and can't seem to fall asleep, I check on them, and have to give them back to the Lord all over again. Fear of all sorts of things creeps in on me if I'm not careful, and I know the Lord doesn't want me to stay there. For me, it's almost a constant thing for me to remember that they're not really mine no matter how tightly I want to hold on. I'm so thankful for Todd because I'm way too protective, but he challenges the girls to be even more adventurous than they already are! Praying for you as you delve deeper into your grief to see what God has for you there.

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