Saturday, January 02, 2010

Our First Christmas Without Her

In October I began dreading the quickly approaching holidays, and, yet, I felt determined that Walt have good memories for his first Christmas. Noah and I talked multiple times about going somewhere to spend Christmas so that we were doing something different. I wanted to skip all of the traditions that mean so much to our family because this year they only highlighted my sweet girl's absence. In the end we ended up attempting to make it through the few days. My amazing husband was sure that I knew that we could leave from my parents house at any moment. Although everyone wanted us there, he wanted to protect me as much as possible. We were on our own time schedule this year in hopes that smaller amounts in a particular event would help us to make it through.

While I was getting ready to go to my grandmother's house on Christmas Eve I began to evaluate how important certain traditions are to me. Yes, part of Christmas is family, but this year it felt like the center of it because I was having such a hard time celebrating Christ when my heart longed for Magdalena. It was as though God laid this on my heart so that I was reminded of what the holiday was about, celebrating the gift of a little baby, and that baby grew up to die so that my sweet baby could be with God. Please don't think that I was all happy as though my life lacks pain, but God did give me an enormous amount of peace. Many tears were shed throughout the two days and our decorations came down on the 26th, but we did celebrate.
I have probably written this before, but I do not like going to the cemetery. There it is a visual reminder of why my heart aches. Noah checks up on it for me because he knows how hard it is, but on Christmas Day I knew I wanted to go. With a pink vase full of dark pink and light pink roses I went to say Merry Christmas. I said things that I wanted to tell her so badly, and I thought of that big red balloon she loved so much that she got last Christmas. This year I wanted her to have a splash of pink. God gave us last Christmas. The doctor sent her home to die not knowing that we would actually get to spend so many days and months with her, but our God is bigger than statistics.
Luke 1:37 For nothing will be impossible with God

And now we are beginning a new year. I breathe in a sigh and think it is about time, and then, I am sad because it is just another reminder how life easily goes on around me without her. I hope that this year is full of many happy memories for Noah, Walt, and me.

Psalms 5:11
But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;
let them ever sing for joy,
and spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may exult in you.

8 comments:

  1. That was such a heartfelt, loving mommy kind of entry Julie. Thank you for sharing. She was there with you during Christmas, just like she always is with you. I'm so glad you were able to enjoy some heavenly peace. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

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  2. I have thought of you and your family alot during this Christmas season. I can't imagine how hard it has been. From the way it sounds, you handled it as best you could. I am sure you were torn between wanting to be "happy" for Walt,and yet, wanting and needing to grieve for your sweet girl all at the same time.
    I will continue to pray for y'all, and I hope 2010 brings with it much peace and joy.

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  3. I thought about you this Christmas! Although you did not see her, she was there with you at Christmas and is with you always..she will always live in your heart.

    Your pain will never go away, but it will ease as time goes by! Love you Julie!

    Linda from Texas

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  4. OH!!! and Happy New Year!

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  5. I thought about y'all, too- and the others I'd "met" in 2009 through my blog readership. We had a long car trip and my Ipod has some "Magdalena songs" that i've been introduced to through your blog. As the other commenters have mentioned, Magdalena was there with you, and heard every word and prayer, surely enjoying those special flowers, too. No doubt your family has invoked a new way to experience Christmas for the rest of us, and that is yet another way her life serves Christ for others.
    Of course, thinking of you over the next weeks because sadly, it won't automatically be "better" right after the holidays. It sounds like you're doing the right way to get over these obstacles you've faced in the past year. Everyone is so proud, esp. your angel Magdalena.

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  6. This is such a beautiful post. I am sorry that you do not have Magdalena today, but I love the love you gave her and continue to show for her. You always embraced the beauty and meaning of her life. She was created perfectly, and will be remembered by me.

    And I needed to read the scripture verses you included today. Sometimes you just never know the impact you have on others - but I needed you to share like this today. Thank you.

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  7. Godbless you and be near you Robert's family.

    Magdalena touched my heart, I think of her often.

    Love from California,
    Nichole

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  8. We have followed in silence and now we follow with experience.

    Thank you for your reminder that we... "celebrate the gift of a little baby (Jesus) and that little baby grew up to die so that my (our) sweet baby could be with God."

    Trusting Christ alongside you, the Nunziatos

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