Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Pink, Blue, and Sweet Words

I walked into Magdalena's room yesterday afternoon, just looking at all of the pink, and I realized how I am going to miss all of the girly things. Because we may not be ready to put those things away for a while, our little boy's closet may be filled with both pink and blue. Noah and I are very excited about our first boy, and we both agree that having a boy will be much easier emotionally to have this year instead of the girl. It will be a completely new experience so that every time I see a dress, I am not thinking of my first sweet girl. It will be easier to love both in a special way without as many tears and "what ifs". My arms long for Magdalena that no other child will be able to replace, but as soon as I found out that I was pregnant, I knew that this was going to be special pregnancy. One that will be filled with so many unknowns and fears, but also one of so much joy and hope after such a sad time in our lives. We are praying that God will allow us to keep this one with us for a long while.
At my grandfather's funeral, I talked with Caroline, my oldest niece, about Magdalena being a big sister. She looked at my tummy and then back at my face, trying to figure it out because I did not look pregnant yet. She has watched me and the baby grow and it is amazing all of the things she remembers. Yesterday when her mommy told her that I was having a boy, she was ecstatic! She said that she had wanted it to be a boy! And when I saw her at her softball game, the excitement over a boy continued. Later that night, she mentioned to Lori about how she was going to be a big sister to a baby brother and Lori almost thought she was going to have to correct her and explain things. But she remembered that, at the same time when I told Caroline that I was pregnant, I told her that she would be a big sister to the baby because Magdalena would have wanted Caroline to help watch the baby and one day tell the baby all about her, because being the oldest she would remember the most. I wasn't there when Caroline said this, but this morning I kept thinking about that amazing, special moment.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Good News

I know that it has been a while since I have posted, and I am sorry for that, but we have been having such a good weekend. My friend, Kim, came to visit and we were so glad to have spent this time with her! Before work this morning, I took her to the airport for her to be able to return home to her husband who I am sure missed her terribly. My day has continued with going to see the doctor. I know that I am nervous about our new baby, but I don't think that I constantly worry about it. Sometimes it seems just to catch up with me and can be overwhelming. Today I was so nervous about hearing bad news from the doctor, my stomach was in knots and then, as we waited for him to come to our room, I just cried. The baby did have a good heartbeat. I was just so full of so many different emotions. I wanted to go right then to see the high risk doctor to see if everything was ok, but we have to wait. It is better to wait at least until the 17th week for the doctor to be sure he catches any abnormalities. But we did get to see a little picture of our baby, and it is obviously a boy! Noah almost began to dance around the room! I would love to have another little girl one day, but we are thankful that this experience will have many new aspects to it. The only problem is that we don't have the perfect name picked out, yet! We have many ideas but we just haven't found the right one for this special boy. Dr. C said everything looks good so far. Baby Boy Roberts is in the 36 percentile which means that he is a good size. This does comfort us a little until we are able to see the high risk doctor. We had no idea that we were going to find out what we were having today, so there has been great excitement in the family!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Jesus is Risen!

Easter is a special holiday for those of us who have lost someone that we truly love because it is the day that we celebrate that Jesus is risen. We know that Magdalena is in heaven because Jesus paid the ultimate cost for our sins. However, it is on this special day that we miss her the most out of all of the days. Mary Magdalene was the first to see Jesus when he was no longer dead, and when our pastor preached I couldn't help but think about how Magdalena (Magdalene in Spanish) was the first of us to see Jesus. I did make it through all of church and family time, which felt like an accomplishment, but at the end of the day I was emotionally tired. I miss her so much.
Katie and Carter took balloons and a pink egg to Magdalena's grave, and Mimi planted the purple flowers.

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Worshipping with Magdalena

It has been far too long since I have contributed to this blog. Julie does such a great job of expressing herself so profoundly that I often don’t feel that what I have to say is all that great. I have often started a new entry and then stopped halfway through never to feel that it was worth picking up again. I am sorry for that. But something happened recently that I feel I have to write about. I am very thankful that my wonderful wife is such a great, expressive writer and has been so faithful in keeping up the blog.

This past Tuesday, I went to Tennessee to see Chris Tomlin in concert. I saw him once many years ago and loved every minute of it, so when I saw that he was going to be playing in Memphis, I really wanted to take Julie. After checking to make sure it was okay with her work, I bought tickets for us, only to find out later that Julie could not go because of work. I called a friend of mine, Tim Jewett, who lives there and he agreed to go to the concert with me and let me stay at his house overnight.

I had a great lunch with my brother, Adam, and then met up with Tim. We hung out at his place and then went to the famous restaurant, Rendezvous. After eating well, we walked over to the FedEx Forum and got ready for some praise and worship. As we arrived, Israel Houghton and the New Breed were just getting cranked up to open for Chris Tomlin. They were great! I had never heard of them, but I was very surprised at the level of their musicianship. The second song had a line in it, “Though the sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes with the morning” which is the verse (Psalm 30:5) that Julie and I have clung to since Magdalena went to be with Jesus. I started to tear up right away thinking about my sweet little girl and it immediately drew me into the worship when I realized that at that moment, Magdalena was doing perfectly what I was there to do. As the worship went on, more things kept reminding me of this, including the story that Israel told about how his mother was advised to have an abortion because she had no means to take care of her child after her husband left her. And because an unknown lady crossed the street and told her that she was not forgotten by God, Israel’s mother gave her life to Christ and her son is now using his musical abilities to bring people into worship all over the world. Amazing.

When Chris Tomlin came out, the depth and intensity of worship was even higher. The more I thought and sang about God’s greatness, grace and love for us, the more I had to fight back the tears. I felt like I was worshipping God with Magdalena and, as strange as it sounds, I could “see” her there in Heaven singing praises with us. It was a wonderful way for God to draw me into deeper worship. As Chris talked about his experiences traveling and seeing how God is working in amazing ways all over the world, I couldn’t help but think about how He has and continues to use Magdalena’s short life to change so many hearts. He is still using her to bring people to Himself and me and Julie into a closer and deeper relationship with Him. He is an amazing God.

I miss Magdalena terribly, but she was a wonderful gift and I am so thankful to God for her and I look forward to the great day when I will be worshipping God beside her. She continues to bless me in so many ways and this one night in Memphis was a great reminder for me how great our God really is.