Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Learning to Live a Different Way

Yes, I have been changed in so many ways, and I feel like God has changed me through life's circumstances. I have had a broken heart, lived outside the country, and now, I have lost a child. I used to be that person. Dramatic. Little things in life seemed to be a huge ordeal. I really noticed this change at work because it would take a meteor to really get me stressed out. Life has put everything in perspective. I know this is good, but it has become a negative too. I have become hardened to so many problems that someone may have because they seem so petty. They could possibly change a person's life, but I think how much worse it could be. So many people, some younger and some older than I am, have been left on what a consider to be a calm river of life. I pray that I will become more considerate of others, their feelings, and all that life gives them.
I am learning to live in a different way. One where I am a mother without a child to care for in my arms. This world is harsh, and people choose to kill their babies while their hearts beat. It makes my heart ache even more to have Magdalena back with me. Any child that God blesses me with I will love, but no child will ever replace my sweet Magdalena. She has changed me. She has changed the way I live, and she would never want me to be so inconsiderate and weird socially as I am now. I used to be so focused on all of the wrong things, and Magdalena taught me how to enjoy the important things in life, how to appreciate them, and how to live better. I am learning to live in a different way in which I can show others how truly big and awesome a God we have through her sweet life, even when some may consider it a huge tragedy. She was not a tragedy, but a miracle. A modern miracle. I have wondered about the past miracles that we have read about in the Bible, and why God doesn't reveal himself in these ways. He does. He revealed himself in Magdalena. When she should not have lived as long as she did, had rosy cheeks, been alert, mimicked by sticking her tongue out, SHE DID! That is a miracle, and it could only have been given by God. May God heal our hearts while we miss our little miracle so much!

Dear Refuge of My Weary Soul
1. Dear refuge of my weary soul,
On Thee, when sorrows rise
On Thee, when waves of trouble roll,
My fainting hope relies
To Thee I tell each rising grief,
For Thou alone canst heal
Thy Word can bring a sweet relief,
For every pain I feel

2. But oh! When gloomy doubts prevail,
I fear to call Thee mine
The springs of comfort seem to fail,
And all my hopes decline
Yet gracious God, where shall I flee?
Thou art my only trust
And still my soul would cleave to Thee Though prostrate in the dust

3. Hast Thou not bid me seek Thy face,
And shall I seek in vain?
And can the ear of sovereign grace,
Be deaf when I complain?
No still the ear of sovereign grace,
Attends the mourner's prayer
Oh may I ever find access,
To breathe my sorrows there

4. Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet,
Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet
©1998, Kevin Twit Music. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

13 comments:

  1. Erin Jones Schmidt10:19 PM

    Julie, I have known you for a long time now and even though you have undoubtedly been changed, it is clear to every one who knows you that God has given you a heart for other people. Please don't be hard on yourself...you are a sweet, caring, loving friend and a gift to those around you! Even in this time of grief and rejoicing, you are thinking about other people, how you think you're treating them, but I suspect that you are giving so much more than you know. Love you sweetie!

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  2. Julie, what you have written has resonated loudly in my own heart. God has slowly been softening my heart in this same respect.
    I have a hard time being compassionate to others now, when my son is dead...and their children are alive.
    I find myself ranking struggles. It is not something God wants for us; it is divisive.
    But argh! It is so hard not to do this when it seems like others have been given a smoother ride in life.

    I don't understand why God works through the losses of our children but doesn't work that way in other people's lives.
    And I have a hard time listening to other people talk about the comfort of God or the sufferings in this world when they haven't lost a child. I think, 'what in the world do they know about pain? Their child is NOT DEAD!'


    I'm sorry to ramble and go on and on. I just wanted to encourage you that you are not alone in these feelings. I will pray for you, as I pray for myself; to have a heart of compassion and love for others even when we are hurting and confused.

    Maybe I should have emailed you? Sorry...

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  3. I can only think of a verse to an old song:

    "Jesus, He meets you where you are.
    Oh, Jesus, He heals your secret scars.
    All the love you're longing for is Jesus, the friend of a wounded heart." (Don't remember who sang it.)

    Love you, Julie and I know you care for others, though right now, the grief you are experiencing is deep enough to dull that compassion. And I think that's ok. You are going through a time where the hurts and bruises of others may only cause your hurts to ache worse. There are seasons for all things and the Lord will lead you into the seasons of your life.

    And I agree. Magdalena was a miracle. It's hard for us to miss her. But never was a moment of her life a tragedy...

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  4. I don't even know you but I have come to know so much goodness through your blog and your sweet daughter. You are a wonderful example of faith and compassion, and while everyone lives their own private terrible circumstances- thanks to you and Noah and Magdalena, I think twice and thank God when my own woes are molehills compared to 'what could be'. Many triumphs await you, both here and in Heaven with Magdalena.

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  5. Magdalena is a blessing to so many people. I am praying for your broken heart as you miss this precious little girl so much. May the Lord lift you up with Hope and His Love as He tenderly heals your heart, piece by piece, moment by moment. I miss your baby girl too.

    Love and Hugs, Laurie

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  6. Julie,

    Your post today really spoke to thoughts I have had to battle. Boy troubles, car worries, petty fights; all of this has dug up negative thoughts for me. I have had to remind myself many times that everyone has their own plate of trials and it all comes down to perspective.

    So my sisters complaining about their two year olds tantrums or potty training is a big deal to them and their a big deal to me so I have to fight my mind to see it that way. If that makes sense.

    But I just wanted you to know this must be some "normal" emotions and thoughts...cause you are not alone in your thinking.

    Anyway, I have come through most of these thoughts and find I am not having as many negative thoughts. It will improve just keep letting your spirit guide your thoughts and it will eventually win!

    with love,
    Max's mom

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  7. Anonymous12:40 PM

    Hang in there sweet one! You are walking through stages of grief. Anger is undoubtedly one of the most recognizable. Keep walking and looking to Jesus. It is day by day and no other way.

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  8. Magdalena was a miracle....her pictures and video are proof of that. But you are a huge part of the miracle. Your love, openness and kindness are what made her life so special. She had something that drew people to her, if you did not share her...no one would have known.

    "Magdalena taught me how to enjoy the important things in life, how to appreciate them, and how to live better. I am learning to live in a different way in which I can show others how truly big and awesome a God we have through her sweet life"

    I think anyone who followed her precious little life without even knowing her learned all that you have written.

    Bless you dear child.

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  9. Julie, you have such a precious heart, and one that is so compassionate and full of love from the Lord, has been ever since before high school. It is such an enormous blessing to love deep, like you have with Magdalena, but that also leaves the possibilitey of extremely deep sorrow and pain. This deep love and sorrow go hand in hand, even as the Lord loved us deeply enough to endure the sorrow of killing His only Son for us. It is hard to see those who have an "easy" life, but He is worth it all, and His purpose, although unseen at times, is good. That is hard for me to even say right now, but it's true. I would love to remind you of a favorite Psalm of mine... one that comforts me during hard times when I question why me, and feel less compassionate toward others... Psalm 73, now it deals with Christian vs. Non-Christian, but I think the same encouragement can go for emotional hardships as well. Vs. 17 is the pivotal verse, and entering into the Lord's house is our only hope. As you walk through this deep grief, He will give you many opportuinities to love others. He will also redeem this lil one, and use you in so many ways in the lives of other grieving women! He is at work... hang in there sweet girl!

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  10. Thank yo so much for your beautiful words. Magdalena was an awesome miracle from God! She had a purpose and will continue to serve that purpose. Thinking of you and Noah!

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  11. Thank you for your honest words and not sugar coating what you are going through.

    I believe we all go through many of these issues whether we lose a child or not. God deals with us all in His way.

    I have no wise words of why your amazing girl had to go home to be with the Lord but I praise God that she is with Him, living face to face with His amazing, perfect love.

    God UNDERSTANDS everything you are feeling and experiencing! I believe talking to Him and sharing your heart is so important. Also, we are here for you Julie, praying and loving you and Noah, Magdalena and your new little one from afar.

    God bless and comfort you,
    Kathy

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  12. My condolences Julie. I know this must be so hard for you but have faith. God has provided for you and your family. You will see Magdalena again one day. Hold onto that. I myself lost three. None can ever be replaced. However, He can bring back your joy. Stay faithful, like Job, because He will repay that faithfulness. He will dry your tears. He will give you strength, and He will give you joy. May God stay near you always. You will be in my prayers.

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  13. Julie & Noah: I just wanted to say thank you for being such a Christ-like testimony to me & others...I have been so blessed and uplifted as you have shared your precious Magdalena with us...I have been blessed by her pictures, your praises to God for her and your missing her--I have been praying for you and will always pray for you every day...To God be the glory for all He's doing for you and through you. "The righteous cry and the Lord heareth." Ps. 34:17a (Delane Ramey) Augusta, GA

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