Medium Ground

Like so many people, driving is the time when I really think about things. Things that I want to think about. Things that I have been avoiding. When thinking on these fall months this past summer I never thought that we would have Magdalena with us. The odds would be that we would only have a few days. I had thought that these holidays would bring a sadness that is not known to everyone. However, we have been blessed with so much time that I find it hard to believe that it is already November. Yet, I hate to think about the upcoming holidays and to become too hopeful. I am such a planner which can be a blessing and a curse depending on the situation. By now I would be practically done with my Christmas shopping, picking out paper, and wrapping the presents, but I don't find myself looking forward to that at all. The unknown haunts my brain constantly. I am looking and praying for medium ground. Ground where I can accept the unknown and worship God for giving us His son, the whole point of the Christmas season, and not be so focused on God's future plans. When driving home today I tried to listen to Christmas music so that I would become accustomed to the sound and joyful at the same time, but it forces my mind to the two possible outcomes which I am just not ready to do. I say all of this so that if you are a close friend to me, please, forgive me for not being the "normal" me around this season. I am just praying for medium ground to stand on.

A song I heard on the radio last night while driving sums up so many feelings for me. Here are the lyrics to Cindy Morgan's "How Could I Ask for More".

There's nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon
Walking to the sunlight, and being cradled my the moon
Catching fireflies at night
Building castles in the sand
Kissing Mom's face goodnight
And holding Daddy's hand

Running barefoot in the grass
A little hide and go seek
Being so in love, that you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark, when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers, watching snow Fall to the ground
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way

So if there's anything I've learned
From this journey I am on
Simple truths will keep you going
Simple love will keep you strong
Cause there are questions without answers
Flames that never die
Heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise
So thank you Lord, oh thank you Lord How could I ask for more
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

In the mail a few weeks ago I received my diploma. Something that I had been waiting years to receive, but the excitement was not as I had anticipated.  I loved studying something so specific, my passion for languages, and I was so excited about graduating. But all that work, completion, and receiving my masters, compares nothing to what God has given me through Magdalena, my first child, my daughter. When I go into my closet and see that envelope I am just amazed that God gave me such a great education, something that I strongly desired, but I am so much happier when Noah and I are together giving Magdalena a bath or watching him return after he has taken her for a walk. She is so beautiful right now as she sleeps, and that I am able to see this beauty now makes me truly happy. In time God will use my education and love for people and languages for His glory, but for now he has taken a different route so that our family and many others can worship him in something that is often taken for granted, something in such a small package, in the body of a small, almost seven pound child.