Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Medium Ground

Like so many people, driving is the time when I really think about things. Things that I want to think about. Things that I have been avoiding. When thinking on these fall months this past summer I never thought that we would have Magdalena with us. The odds would be that we would only have a few days. I had thought that these holidays would bring a sadness that is not known to everyone. However, we have been blessed with so much time that I find it hard to believe that it is already November. Yet, I hate to think about the upcoming holidays and to become too hopeful. I am such a planner which can be a blessing and a curse depending on the situation. By now I would be practically done with my Christmas shopping, picking out paper, and wrapping the presents, but I don't find myself looking forward to that at all. The unknown haunts my brain constantly. I am looking and praying for medium ground. Ground where I can accept the unknown and worship God for giving us His son, the whole point of the Christmas season, and not be so focused on God's future plans. When driving home today I tried to listen to Christmas music so that I would become accustomed to the sound and joyful at the same time, but it forces my mind to the two possible outcomes which I am just not ready to do. I say all of this so that if you are a close friend to me, please, forgive me for not being the "normal" me around this season. I am just praying for medium ground to stand on.

A song I heard on the radio last night while driving sums up so many feelings for me. Here are the lyrics to Cindy Morgan's "How Could I Ask for More".

There's nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon
Walking to the sunlight, and being cradled my the moon
Catching fireflies at night
Building castles in the sand
Kissing Mom's face goodnight
And holding Daddy's hand

Running barefoot in the grass
A little hide and go seek
Being so in love, that you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark, when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers, watching snow Fall to the ground
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way

So if there's anything I've learned
From this journey I am on
Simple truths will keep you going
Simple love will keep you strong
Cause there are questions without answers
Flames that never die
Heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise
So thank you Lord, oh thank you Lord How could I ask for more
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

In the mail a few weeks ago I received my diploma. Something that I had been waiting years to receive, but the excitement was not as I had anticipated.  I loved studying something so specific, my passion for languages, and I was so excited about graduating. But all that work, completion, and receiving my masters, compares nothing to what God has given me through Magdalena, my first child, my daughter. When I go into my closet and see that envelope I am just amazed that God gave me such a great education, something that I strongly desired, but I am so much happier when Noah and I are together giving Magdalena a bath or watching him return after he has taken her for a walk. She is so beautiful right now as she sleeps, and that I am able to see this beauty now makes me truly happy. In time God will use my education and love for people and languages for His glory, but for now he has taken a different route so that our family and many others can worship him in something that is often taken for granted, something in such a small package, in the body of a small, almost seven pound child.

9 comments:

  1. It is such a joy to know the Julie from undergrad, the Julie traveling to Mexico and meeting her husband, and now the Julie as a mother. You have changed so much over the years, but only by becoming more and more of the woman God planned for you to be. I'm praying that He continues to keep you by His side, filling you with patience and peace and a joyful spirit every morning.

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  2. Dearest Julie,

    Your honesty is heartrending and my heart goes out to you! You and Noah have been doing such an amazing job of living in the moment with your precious and beautiful Magdalena. I think we can all learn a lesson from you.
    Truly, all of us are only promised today.

    We are all praying for lots and lots and lots of time for you and Noah to be with Magadalena. She is gaining weight, beautiful and an obvious little fighter. All good things and so many praying for your sweet princess.

    You and Noah are wonderful, loving parents. Thank you so much for all the great pictures! I love the one of the two of you napping! Precious!!!

    May God continue to hold the three of you in the palm of His hand and may you feel safe and secure there.

    Love,
    Kathy

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  3. Knowing God has known this road for your life means he knew you would love and glorify him through the beautiful life of Magdalina. Just not knowing what the holidays hold this year is something that I have never experienced and along with you I have both joy and sadness of what may come. Philippians 4:8 helps me if I can just focus on living out the verse daily!! Your family will be in my prayers,
    Max's mommy

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  4. What an amazing post!

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  5. Almost 7 lbs??!! When did that happen??

    Julie, one day at a time. I know that way of living, holding back, holding back. But no need to worry about the "how" of your life right now. You are doing the best you know how, and living dependent on God's mercies. New every morning, so you take them one day, and then the next day.

    I'm praying for you to be free of fear of the unknown future. You just snuggle with that beautiful almost 7 lbs little being!!

    Seriously. When did that happen!!??

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  6. I get it. On Jacob's blog on May 1st, I posted my voice for the first time and it was about balance....I stated, "I balance: the preparations for loss vs. the hope for a miracle." It is a tough balance that I have yet to find anyone who does it perfectly...we always lean one way or the other. So I clung to Psalm 27:14 "Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen you heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!" Read the blog post from May 1st if you think it may help to read someone's scattered thoughts about the same difficult medium ground.

    Love you guys,
    Karen

    Oh! I love all the pics of your Princess!

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  7. Shelley7:25 AM

    Julie and Noah,
    I first found out about yall at a Bible Study, where yall were put on the prayer list before Magdalena was born. I discovered the blog and read it almost everyday. Each post that I read just inspires me more and more. Yall are such great parents. I pray for yall often. Just continue to spoil this little blessing to peices!!

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  8. Wow. This is beautiful. There are so many things I'd like to say, but I don't want to mini-blog so I'll settle for this: You be whatever and whoever God is leading you to be during this season and we will love you -- and Magdalena, and Noah -- as you are. LOVE YOU!

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  9. Erin Jones Schmidt1:12 PM

    Julie, that was incredibly beautiful! You are amazing and I love you!

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