Beauty

I don't know why God decided to bless our lives with Magdalena, and I can't even begin to try to figure it out. I do know that when I look into her face all I see is pure, innocent beauty. No sickness. No pain. Just beauty. I know that I am one of many parents who have biased opinions on their child, but I am amazed what God has created through Noah and me. She is beautiful. Many parts of the day I enjoy just looking at her. Her small hands, tiny fingers, and a nose that is shaped like her Daddy's.

And she has begun to communicate very clearly with us. Her noisy cries tell us if there is something wrong, and a sound similar to the screaming lets us know that she is trying to convey some sort of message but she is not upset. Our discussions become more interesting as each day passes. I am amazed that she can do these things. I knew little of what to expect from the usual type of newborn babies, but from what I read of T18 babies Magdalena's personality is not what I had in mind. By having a personality she goes against what so much of what many of the articles have stated. Because T18 babies lack much of what we take for granted mentally I believed that it would be unlikely that Magdalena would know that I was her mother. In my opinion, for babies, a mother means security and love. I still don't know if she knows who I am. However, I know that her eyes can stay steadily fixed on me instead of looking at all of the shiny or colorful things. She knows that she is loved because she demonstrates that she feels safe in my arms. Because of the small things that she does I have to believe that she knows that I am her mother so that while she is here on earth she can rest in my arms.

Because Magdalena did not pass her hearing test while in the NICU, it is unknown exactly what she can hear, which is not uncommom because she has Trisomy 18. We do have an appointment in January to determine this, but really, what does it matter? I will continue to talk to her no matter what the result is, but I am more aware of the fact that I touch her more. I want her to learn my touch and scent so that she is able to recognize me. Her beauty does not change with or without this particular sense. Her beauty lies deep within her soul not in the "extras" that God gives us.

I am attached to Magdalena, and as each day passes I become more attached. My arms just don't want to let her go because I enjoy staring at her, hearing her little sighs, and feeling her breath movements. Her beauty overwhelms me in these small times. God's fingers did amazing work when they worked out every detail of her being.

People say that you change when you become a parent. This is true. I love like I have never loved before. I love Noah more (and I thought that was impossible). I loved my nieces before Magdalena, but now that love has stretched, and they feel like my daughters. Saying that I love Magdalena does not describe what I feel for her. Saying that she is beautiful does not give the sense of beauty that is really there. There are no words that are strong enough to immitate the feelings that are held in my heart. I savor our times together holding onto each moment trying to engrave it into my brain. Her smell and little Magdalena-isms are what I want to never forget and fear forgetting.