Monday, November 17, 2008

Beauty

I don't know why God decided to bless our lives with Magdalena, and I can't even begin to try to figure it out. I do know that when I look into her face all I see is pure, innocent beauty. No sickness. No pain. Just beauty. I know that I am one of many parents who have biased opinions on their child, but I am amazed what God has created through Noah and me. She is beautiful. Many parts of the day I enjoy just looking at her. Her small hands, tiny fingers, and a nose that is shaped like her Daddy's.

And she has begun to communicate very clearly with us. Her noisy cries tell us if there is something wrong, and a sound similar to the screaming lets us know that she is trying to convey some sort of message but she is not upset. Our discussions become more interesting as each day passes. I am amazed that she can do these things. I knew little of what to expect from the usual type of newborn babies, but from what I read of T18 babies Magdalena's personality is not what I had in mind. By having a personality she goes against what so much of what many of the articles have stated. Because T18 babies lack much of what we take for granted mentally I believed that it would be unlikely that Magdalena would know that I was her mother. In my opinion, for babies, a mother means security and love. I still don't know if she knows who I am. However, I know that her eyes can stay steadily fixed on me instead of looking at all of the shiny or colorful things. She knows that she is loved because she demonstrates that she feels safe in my arms. Because of the small things that she does I have to believe that she knows that I am her mother so that while she is here on earth she can rest in my arms.

Because Magdalena did not pass her hearing test while in the NICU, it is unknown exactly what she can hear, which is not uncommom because she has Trisomy 18. We do have an appointment in January to determine this, but really, what does it matter? I will continue to talk to her no matter what the result is, but I am more aware of the fact that I touch her more. I want her to learn my touch and scent so that she is able to recognize me. Her beauty does not change with or without this particular sense. Her beauty lies deep within her soul not in the "extras" that God gives us.

I am attached to Magdalena, and as each day passes I become more attached. My arms just don't want to let her go because I enjoy staring at her, hearing her little sighs, and feeling her breath movements. Her beauty overwhelms me in these small times. God's fingers did amazing work when they worked out every detail of her being.

People say that you change when you become a parent. This is true. I love like I have never loved before. I love Noah more (and I thought that was impossible). I loved my nieces before Magdalena, but now that love has stretched, and they feel like my daughters. Saying that I love Magdalena does not describe what I feel for her. Saying that she is beautiful does not give the sense of beauty that is really there. There are no words that are strong enough to immitate the feelings that are held in my heart. I savor our times together holding onto each moment trying to engrave it into my brain. Her smell and little Magdalena-isms are what I want to never forget and fear forgetting.

17 comments:

  1. This post is just beautiful! I especially love the last paragraph b/c it is so true how your love changes once your child is born! Thank you for sharing your heart and your journey! Your precious daughter is just beautiful!

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  2. Erin Jones Schmidt9:51 PM

    Julie, your love for Magdalena is BEAUTIFUL. Thank you God for all of this time you've blessed us all with Magdalena and continue to carry and bless Noah, Julie, and Magdalena. We love you Lord, thank you for your amazing blessings!

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  3. She is so made in God's image and likeness! Absolute perfection! Their beauty is not only physical but it is so deep. Sometimes I sit back and say "How do I deserve such a gift?" We are blessed with so many days with our little ones. I continue to pray for so many more for you that you may just sit and take it all in!

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  4. I remember the day you had her, going back into the NICU and laying eyes on her for the first time. She took my breath away. As someone who has a severely mentally handicapped sister-in-law, I can assure you that all children know who their mother is, and Magdalena most certainly knows you and that she has a special love for you. It thrills me to know that you two have this bond, one only God could have fashioned...

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  5. Your love for your daughter touches my heart! You are an amazing mother. Thank you for sharing what is on your heart and mind. Praying for your sweet Magdalena. God bless.

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  6. Anonymous9:49 AM

    Julie,

    That was so beautiful. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes as I read it. You guys are so special and will never know the impact you and your family is having on so many lives. I am so thankful to God that you have had so much time with that sweet little girl and I hope for so much more time for you and Noah.

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  7. Anonymous9:50 AM

    I was the one who sent the last comment. I forgot to send my name with it.

    Sonia

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  8. Anonymous10:00 AM

    No matter if she can hear your voice, she knows that you are her mommy and how much you love her. She loves your touch, your scent and just the way you love on her. She is an amazing, beautiful little princess.

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  9. As I read your blog today it made me remember another mother who, "... treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart."

    May God continue to bless you, Noah & Magdalena with many, many special days together!

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  10. Erin Lammie11:17 AM

    What a moving entry. Thank you for continuing to share your love and learning.

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  11. Anonymous5:46 PM

    Julie,
    You continually amaze me. You were an amazing young woman in high school, and you are an amazing mother now. You, Noah, and all of your family are in my family's prayers.

    J Reeves

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  12. Dear Julie,

    Absolutely beautiful.

    Thank you for loving your precious and amazing daughter in such a deep, unconditional way. The way I wish all children everywhere could be loved.

    I love the celebrations! Praise God for each and every moment and praying for more time than we can dream or imagine!!!

    Prayers continue for Magadalena, you and Noah.

    Love,
    Kathy

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  13. Aaron Wilson7:37 PM

    Julie that was a very touching post, especially the last paragraph. I'd never thought of a child making your love stronger for others. That's a wonderful insight. Thank you for keeping up with this blog and sharing your experience.

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  14. What a beautiful post...very touching and sweet words aboout your sweet daughter. Maybe sometime you can do a post about all of her sweet "magdalena-isms"

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  15. what a beautiful post. I think every mommy knows those feelings but you express them so well. I too think the word "love" just doesn't do it justice sometimes. Our kids become ingrained into our souls. Magdalena is such a beautiful testimony of Gods blessing and handiwork despite the diagnosis of Trisomy 18. The medical text books have deemed her "not compatible with life" and a flaw of nature. How wrong they are! She is a precious blessing ,a very loved and beautiful little girl .. full of personality and life...no matter how long or short that life is. Thankyou once again for sharing your little miracle girl.

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  16. Praying for you guys.

    www.trisomy18hope.org

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  17. Julie,I only know you through your blog but you constantly inspire me to be a better mother.
    Thank you,
    Robyn Dickinson

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