Measure not God's love and favor by your own feelings. The sun shines as clearly in the darkest day as it does in the brightest. The difference is not in the sun, but in some clouds which hinder the manifestation of the light thereof. - Richard Sibbes
This past spring break Noah and I decided it was time to finalize Magdalena's marker. It seems like a simple, obvious next step, but really we had to commit ourselves to doing it because it is not something either of us wanted to do. We got there only to realize that our vision of what we wanted could not happen, so we left in tears and very angry. Couldn't I give my daughter what I wanted? I wanted something pink and girly, but it is hard to make this happen in a place where it isn't natural to bury your child.
This dragged out until the summer when again Noah and I told ourselves that this must be done. We had to decide on something for her marker. We revisited the situation, and although we didn't get exactly what we wanted, we chose what would be in our minds "second best". Then, the dreaded wait came, and on the morning of our anniversary, about a week after Magdalena's birthday, the call came saying that the marker had been placed. With the dirt still fresh, I went and sat, and surprisingly I felt peace out there for the first time ever. I cried to her and I cried to God, but as the breeze passed by I knew that God was giving me comfort. He wrapped His arms around me as I had to finalize Magdalena's passing. What made this day even harder was the dream that I had the night before. Any time that I dream about Magdalena it is always a fearful, scary, nightmare of something happening to her, and they are obvious Satan dreams. The night of my birthday, the day before our anniversary, I had a dream of Noah and I holding Magdalena. It was so real that I woke up having to shake it off remembering reality, and although I tried to fall asleep to dream it again, it didn't happen again. I had to realize that God gave me that sweet dream, not a nightmare, as a reality of what she is doing right now. She is happy and healthy, and although, selfishly, I wish she were with me, I know that my Lord is taking good care of her because he too had to watch his son die. I am glad to have this place to go now, a place that I can be with God and let out all of my tears. I don't feel like this is a dreaded place anymore because I know this is not where she is, and God is His loving mercy gives me a good peace about that. I will forever be wearing waterproof mascara, but my heart is in God's hands.