Friday, October 03, 2008

58 Beautiful Days

This week we haven't followed our normal which has been nice, and while Magdalena is snuggled in her favorite spot, her swing, I thought that I would write a bit. This week I have been reminded of a special thought numerous times, so I thought that I would finally share it. As you have noticed from the pictures, my sisters and I are very close. We each have our own look, way of speaking, and personality, but being sisters makes us very near to each other. Jennifer and I had a true bonding time being pregnant at the same time because we could complain about aches together without sounding as though we were complaining, and practically everyday we were discussing what we were going to eat that day. Lori, my oldest sister, and I really bonded when I felt so emotionally weak that she would become my strength for me to help me get ready for Magdalena's arrival. Before she was even born Magdalena made us closer. And as weeks passed we decided to celebrate Magdalena's life after every doctors appointment, so our family got together once a month, and it eventually became once a week when we got closer to her arrival. I remember someone in the family saying how close Magdalena has brought us all together because we are going through the pain together.

I say all of this to show only one of the few things that Magdalena has accomplished so far in her life. Although I would love to see Magdalena graduate high school, get married, and speak Spanish perfectly, that is not what she is called to do. When Jennifer, my middle sister, was going to the hospital to have Landon I just couldn't go up there to see her. My heart was selfishly broken because I could not understand the diagnosis of my daughter's life, which I had just found out one month prior to Landon's arrival. I was terrified that instead of loving Landon I would be jealous of his health. I think that I finally went up there the next day, but I still waited hours before I really felt as though I had the strength to hold him. (I know that sounds horrible of me, but be patient with me and slowly I will get to the point of telling you all of this.) I cried while he was in my arms. I knew that he would never really know Magdalena, but I know that he will be my sweet reminder in all the many years to come. Every time he hits a marker stone in life I know that I will be reminded of what might have been if Magdalena had never had Trisomy 18. I will cry, but I will never forget that was not her purpose. God did not create her for me to keep but for His glory. And as I watch Landon grow I think he will be "my son" and my reminder of how God blessed us the same year he was born with a special baby.

So, my sweet reminder over the week has been that I truly believe that God created these babies in a special way. We are not to play God and terminate them when we choose because they are not as we think they should be, or try to make them something they are not. They are here on this earth for however long God grants us to be loved and through that love God will teach each of us something. I thought the mother was supposed to teach the child, but I am wrong because she has only been teaching me. For this reason, I try to not be TOO overly protective of her so that many can love on her and be reminded of God's providence. I do believe that God gave us this sweet little girl for many reasons, many of which we may never know. Thank you to the numerous people throughout this week who through indirect ways have reminded me of this.

Luke 18:15-17
People were also bringing babies to Jesus to have him touch them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."

6 comments:

  1. Remember you are special as well as your Magdalena. God had the confidence to entrust her to you.
    Our Magdalena was 150 days old, on Oct 3rd, we feel so blessed.
    I know that my daughter has some of the same feelings.
    Hug your little one, and take care of yourself. And take care of your marriage.

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  2. Julie,
    In reading your blog today brought tears to my eyes. Not from sadness, but from the pure joy that you show with each word that you write, with each breath you and sweet Magdalena take. I am in such awesome wonder at how God is working in your family, bringing you and your sisters closer in a very special way.

    I pray for each of you SO MUCH during each day and throughout the night when I wake. You are such an encouragement to me each day!

    I love you Julie!
    DeeAnn

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  4. I have no words to share about this entry - only tears from your beautiful words.

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  5. What you just wrote about brought back something I had posted on June 1st, one day after Jacob passed: "...if God said to me before I had any children, "Karen, you have two choices of children.....1) You have three strong healthy boys who grow to be big and strong godly men OR 2) You have two strong healthy boys and a third terminally ill baby who will pass away at 4 and a half months old.....make your choice." what would I choose....who wouldn't choose #1?!?!? So, what am I saying? I am saying that I would NOT have chosen Jacob and I would be sooooooo much less of who God wants me to be without that beautiful baby in my life. Now knowing Jacob, I wouldn't trade him for the world.....nothing can take that baby boy from me.....I want him back. So, what I am saying is that what I think I want, is not what is right and what my Heavenly Father wants for me....He knows best..."

    We would never chose this for our children, but that is what is so beautiful about the hand of God - He knows best.

    Loving you guys,
    Karen

    fahmer.blogspot.com

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  6. jennifer12:57 PM

    Julie - your words are beautiful and an inspiration to anyone who reads them.

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