Our passage to meditate on during week 3.
Psalm 103:13-14 "As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust."
I heard a song on the radio where the singer asks God to bring on the rain so that if that is what is needed for us to be able to praise him, then, bring it. That song aggravates me. I have no idea who the singer is, but I want to call them up and ask, "Have you ever lost a child?" This is one of the floods that he is praying for in his song. If the singer knew what could be thrown at him, would he continue to pray it in that way? This past week a deceitful heart has been on the tip of my tongue in so many conversations. We know that God is faithful and that through our pain he is glorified, but our hearts go through times of true struggling because they hurt so badly. My mind has to comfort my heart with what I know to be true. I know that God was glorified through Magdalena's life, but my heart wishes that he could have done it another way, any other way. I would have gladly let him take my life instead of hers. During my most heart breaking times I screamed out to God for mercy on my sweet, baby girl. I know that this was a time of growing of me spiritually, but really, did he have to make it flood in order to get my attention? I think that I was in denial when it came time to let Magdalena go. The night before she passed away I cried out to God to please give us more time, and through my tears I pleaded again for mercy. Even through this heart breaking time of prayer, God was glorified because I knew that only healing could come from him. If he had chosen to heal her, he would have reached out his hand, but he had chosen his plans for her long before that prayer was uttered. God used Magdalena to bring people to their knees because nothing can break a heart more than a sick child and parents who have to say goodbye to their child on earth. So many people prayed for her. He heard our cries, but it was not in his master plan for her to be healed. However, through those prayers I felt God's closeness, even when I was too weak to pray, and when I did pray, it was truly powerful. They were never superficial words but ones that my heart truly felt. I never put on a show and acted like I was fine because God heard my anger in pain throughout all that I have had and continue to have to say.
Even now, I do not pray as I ought to, and I know that it is a disciplined thing that can grow further my relationship with God. There are many caddy reasons why I don't spend time in prayer as much as I should, but I do think that God is still dealing with my heart. He is continuing to mold me through my pain, and these growing pains have not made me jump up and down thanking God for them, but I do have to thank God for the blessings that he gives to sustain me.