Saturday, March 20, 2010

Week 2 - Crushed with Grief

I was 22 weeks pregnant during the spring break 2 years ago, and it was on that Friday I found out Magdalena had Trisomy 18. I knew that I was supposed to receive the results that day, and I started off the afternoon calling the doctor to get them. Each time that I called, the nurse took my message, and it wasn't until after my second or third time of calling she put me on hold. When she returned, she said that the doctor was calling me after hours, which would be around five o'clock. Again, I waited. Everyone in my family waited. I "knew" that I was going to hear that she had Down's Syndrome. The doctor called, and I don't remember all that he said, but he was trying to explain that Magdalena had something she would not survive. The worst case scenario that he had given me when we got the amniocentesis done came to pass. The rest of the evening is a total blur to me. I don't even remember how I told Noah or when I did. I know that I called Lori, and she told the family. How she did this, I don't know. Noah was at work, and I am again uncertain about how much time passed before someone came to be with me. I couldn't just sit down and weep. I had a recipe that had been hanging on my fridge for awhile, and I began to make it with my mom helping me. Lori and Stephen began to rearrange my wall hangings. We were all together, but I couldn't yet face what was before me. I feared what lied ahead with my daughter and the burden I knew that I would bear. My dreams for Magdalena were crushed with just one phone call. I know that I went "crazy" for a short period of time trying to hang on to my sanity, and maybe that is why that time period is so vague to me because I was just barely hanging on.

It wasn't until later that my grief came down heavily upon me, and came down full force. We begged God for mercy to know our daughter, if even just for a moment.
During this time when I was unable to pray, people prayed for me, and as time continues to pass I know this is true. I know that on days when I struggle, someone, who I may not even know, prays for our family. Because through prayer we are brought before God, and he fills our heart with His peace. Through his perfect love, his sacrifice, his grief, tears, and his pain, we are healed completely. I am still working through so many parts of my grief, but I know that I had the strength to pray because people prayed for that strength and God gave it to me. And through this prayer God has lifted my head out of the water so that I can breathe.

Prayer is not intended to change God's purpose, nor is it to move Him to form fresh purposes. God has decreed that certain events shall come to pass through the means He has appointed for their accomplishment. -A.W. Pink

Matthew 26:39 “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.”

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