Monday, February 15, 2010

Week 1 - Your Tears Matter to God

While Magdalena was in the NICU, I was running completely on adrenaline. I don’t know how I did some of the things that I never knew I had because my maternal instincts had taken over. I had to keep moving. Thankfully, I had an amazing family here watching over me to make sure that I didn’t go too far beyond my physical or emotional capability. I remember standing outside the NICU with my parents and feeling like the building was shaking, and my dad held me up for that brief second. I don’t even know if they remember that brief moment, but they held me then and continued to do so for the next five months so that I could keep moving forward and functioning, to be a good mommy to Magdalena.

At her visitation and funeral, I didn’t cry. Because all of you know how much I love her, that may sound strange, but I was in my survival mode. Before each event, I questioned if I could make it through, and with determination I was striving towards the goal, survival. Many people came to me with tears in their eyes, which is how I felt in the inside, but I had to remove myself from the event. Otherwise, I might have rolled up in a ball in the corner. I remember a sweet, dear friend coming up to me and telling me that it was ok to cry. I knew that it was ok, but I also knew that if I started, I wouldn’t be able to stop. I stayed in this mode for a few months. Just going and moving. I was just trying to survive. I did cry along the way but I didn’t come face to face with my feelings because I was truly afraid I would lose it. Holding everything inside was not good, and I remember when everything came gushing out I thought that it might never stop.

I have always known in my mind that God is a God of comfort, but I have never thought about him knowing every tear that was shed. Amazing. He has stored up my tears! (Psalm 56:8) This means that not only is it ok to cry, but that it is important enough for God to bottle up my tears of sorrow. He cares that much for me. This is just another reminder that He has laid his hand upon everything and every situation. I hate it when I allow myself to push His sweet mercies to the back of my mind to wallow in my grief. He hates the sin and evil of this world, which causes our sorrows. This is not what he had intended for us. I need to go to him daily for continual strength. Magdalena’s death is a heavy weight on my shoulders that I know I cannot carry for the rest of my life. I need him to help carry me through this life until the day when I am reunited with her. We will sing and praise God together because has used the situation to mold us for His purpose.

2 comments:

  1. I know there are going to be days when I am not going to be able to pick up the devotional book. It is too hard sometimes. Although it is uplifting once I do, it is still something I haven't wanted to do the last several nights. Sometimes it is hard to face your grief and go back into "survival mode". My mama used to say "When you feel like you don't want to go to church, then that is when you should go." Hopefully this will ring true for the book. I pray I am able to pick it back up tonight!!!

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  2. Julie...it is so strange to me how you put to words exactly how I feel. The NICU was a blur of decisions that I could not have ever imagined making but somehow seemed routine while we were there. I really didn't cry at Andrew's service because I felt like I would crumble if I started. Thank you for sharing this and I hope you know how much comfort you are offering to others.

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