Friday, February 19, 2010

Week 1 - Guard Your Heart

Phillipians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

This verse is always an incredible reminder because I know it in my mind, but by reading it in God's word it refreshes my heart. When we found out Magdalena's diagnosis, my entire family had so many questions for God. We didn't understand how this could happen to us. We loved God and we lived for him. Why us? Sometimes when I see something that reminds me of my life pre-Magdalena, I don't recognize myself. I was so arrogant to think that this type of sickness would never happen to me or my family. One day along the way, God gave my heart peace. Peace doesn't mean that I was happy with the situation or even glad that God would use my daughter in this way, but it was an indescribable peace that stayed with me through her days here on earth and continues to comfort me. This peace is hard to describe to someone, but it is a calming of the soul that only God can give, and to those that are suffering this peace is more recognizable.

One of the hardest things that I think about this reading is the most simple and the most important. Thank God. For the longest time, I had a hard time thanking God. How do I thank God when he took my daughter from me? How do I love him when he took a piece of me away? "Gratitude plows the ground for God's peace to grow." So I have to thank God to receive this peace? To come to terms with all that God has to offer, both good and bad, is hard.
The first time that I thought I was saying goodbye to Magdalena, I was by myself shortly after bringing her home. She forgot to breathe while eating, and before I knew it her rosy cheeks were changing to a deepening blue. I did all of the things that the nurses told me to do, but in the end she would always have to do it on her own. Magdalena was looking at me to help her, and I thought that I was saying goodbye. I texted Noah to come home, and he was able to reach Lori to come be with me while he drove. As I was saying my goodbye I realized that I had gotten all that I asked for. God gave me time to know her, to bring her home, and to have her baptized. Although I was not happy about it, I could let her go. This peace still gave me the strength to love her during that moment. God granted us the mercy to never have another one of these moments. Through my tears my heart thanked God for all that I had been given, and although it was painful, I knew that I had be so very blessed, and through this God granted me peace. Little did I know at that moment, but God had many more months ahead with this sweet, big girl.

Please don't get me wrong. I wasn't yelling thank you to the rooftops! My heart was breaking, and at the same time I knew that I had been blessed. I can't imagine the pain of a mommy who loses her child without warning and trying to deal with the loss. Every person's pain is different, so please do not take my experience as how it "should be". I only share it because it is the experience that I had.

If you have experienced God's peace, or if you are struggling to come to terms with the situation God has given you, please share if you feel led.
Focus on God's word so that your hearts are not deceived and hardened, and let us encourage one another.

2 comments:

  1. It's a different situation altogether, and I feel...well, reading blogs like yours make my problems seem so small, but maybe someone can glean from my experience. February 27 will mark two years since I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. In the past two years, I have asked why quietly in my bedroom alone at night. I have screamed it with tears running down my cheeks in my car driving home. I have asked it in giant, heaving sobs when I couldn't find words. The answer? I don't believe it's come yet. At least, not the sort of answer I wanted. We are also unable to have children, and my illness (at 25 I have severe vision problems, seizures, difficulty walking, etc.) keeps me from being able to pursue fertility treatments. When I beg, plead, cry with my Savior to tell me why it's like this, He does answer me. He answered me in the form of my Godly, sainted parents who meet my needs. He answered me in the form of my Godly, sainted husband who does everything for me. He answers me in the form of blog posts like this, when He ministers to me through the pain of others. I still ask why. I know that God has plans for me in both my illness and my infertility. Some days I'm too selfish to listen to what He's telling me, but when I do listen, He tells me of the purpose He has for me. Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favorite verses. Another one that helps me when I'm tired is Isaiah 40:29-31. I am so thankful to serve a God of second chances. He sees beyond my shortcomings to the plans He has for me. God bless you!

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  2. I enjoyed looking over your blog
    Great Blog Title
    God Bless You, Ron
    http://ronjoewhite.blogspot.com

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