Sunday, February 21, 2010

Week 1 - Bitter Beyond Words

He shot his arrows deep in my heart. The thought of my suffering and helplessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Lamentations 3:13, 19-22

I know that if Magdalena had lived a day longer it would have been lived suffering, but that doesn't make me stop wishing that I had more time. How selfish, and Nancy really hits home with why I continue to suffer so badly at times. Some days it is easier to get into a hole than try to fight with what I know to be true about God when the devil is coming after me. Just as Nancy's husband thought he had lost his wife to her grief, I think Noah has tried to patiently wait through mine. I was so selfishly caught up (and I still am at times) in my grief that I forget that there are others around me grieving for Magdalena. Magdalena's name is not always mentioned at family events, not because she is not thought of, but because all of my sisters, my nieces, and my parents are grieving too, yet, they are trying to help Noah and I through our own grief. How selfish have I been not to have seen this from the start? I have no idea how my sisters got around to making Magdalena's funeral arrangements, or my brother-in-law trying to decide on a casket with my sister. On top of it, they were trying to make it perfect. I was able to block out what had really just happened because I didn't have to face all of those little details. They had to suffer more to try to help me cope with my own pain. I do hope they all know that I would not be writing to you today without them. They allowed and continue to allow me the time that I need to grieve, and meanwhile, still love her as though she were their own daughter.

Noah and I almost went to St. Louis for him to begin seminary, but in all of God's mercies in this situation, us living near my family was the greatest. And in every aspect of our life in the midst of the greatest suffering we have had to endure, he granted us daily mercies. Without them I could not have survived. Not only does the Lord have compassion for us who are suffering, but when we call out to him, he will pull us out of the pit. Please, God, get me to yell to you for help out of the pit more often instead of selfishly wallowing in my grief.

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