O Love That Will Not Let Me Go

We had a very special Christmas this year. With my family everything is always eventful, and this year particularly was full of laughter. Here are a few glimpses of our many happenings. After our Christmas Eve service (where I burned my hand with the wax of a candle...I am so not surprised that I did) we went to Grandmom's house to celebrate Christmas with my Dad's side of the family. Here is Walt with his sweet Grandmom, his Great-Grandmother. Caroline continues to surprise me and warm my heart at some of the most special times. We were eating dinner, and she asked (in her grown-up 4th grade tone) what Walt was wanting for Christmas. I began telling her, and she added that he would want a balloon like Magdalena, his big sister. I really don't remember what else she said because I was so choked up over it and trying to gather a little composure to respond. Every special family event I always miss Magdalena more, and it was one of those days I was really longing for ...

Being our first Christmas without Magdalena, it didn't seem right last year to send out a Christmas card without her. We couldn't make any decisions without thinking it didn't "fit", so in the end we decided that it was o.k. to just not send one out. This year I was determined to begin the tradition all over again, and so, here it is. This was our Christmas card this year. Please forgive the mistake that I made with the quotation marks! I forgot them on the ends! And it is from "The Roberts Family" because Magdalena continues to be in our hearts and is fresh on our minds this time of year. Jeremiah 29:11 has been on my heart as I was thinking of what would be on our Christmas card, and it is our hope that it reminds you of God's many promises. This time of the year is bittersweet for so many of us, but it is such a special time to celebrate our God who sent his only son to this sinful world. That is the most precious gift ever! In the midst...

The eldest cousin, Caroline, received an incredible honor! She won an essay contest, and so she was asked to read her essay at the lighting of the Christmas lights in the town's park. Caroline is amazing big cousin, and she is always watching out for the younger ones. I can't believe how fast she is growing up! I am a proud aunt. Walt loves his Caroline, but right before this picture was taken, he was being held by his Mimi and wasn't quite ready to let go.

Sweet, cousin Emma was having herself a tea party with diet coke. Walt became interested, so Emma showed him how to be part of the party. He learned quickly, and they were so cute drinking out of their teacups!

So much has happened with special visitors and Walt, but that is for another day because as time passes some of our most important people become older and their bodies to frail to continue in this world. Please pray for my family as we go through grief once more, letting go of our Memaw. She came to every recital, football game, band competition, and school function because she loved us so much. Although she was an older woman, we were not expecting this and we are all frozen in shock. Death has become so much more real to me. Why do I continue to try to keep up with the things of this world? They are not forever. Clothes will go out of style, parties will be forgotten, and houses will crumble. Years from now which memories will I cherish? Who or what will have had my time? This life is short, and I am praying that God will continue to convict me on how my time is spent so that I may continue to grow to be more like him and love better the people closest to me.

Sometimes I am guilty of learning the words to songs without really considering the meaning of it all. But the older I get, the more aware of what I let sink into my brain. The space is limited there so I have to consider what I want to fill it with! I am definitely a Lady Antebellum fan, and when I got their newest c.d. their song "Hello World" was not one of my favorites, so I skipped over it a lot. But one day I listened to the words, and I thought that it was beautiful, a simple reminder of waking up. We get so busy in today's society that we let all of the beautiful gifts of God pass us by, and sometimes it takes something big happening in our lives to realize how much the little, daily life things mean to us. Magdalena's life and death made me realize my immortality and selfishness, and I hope that God will continue to open my brain so that I can soak up the small things that he gives me. My small things sometimes consist of coffee and quiet time before W...

With our bellies full of turkey Noah and I pulled out our Christmas decorations. Last year I bought a little tree and small decorations so that Walt would really have a good Christmas, and I am glad that I made that small investment last year. Walt will love Christmas, and although I want to keep it as normal as possible for Noah and me, I can't bear to have Walt miss out on the part of the year that I used to anticipate all year round. I enjoy celebrating Christ's birth. Most of the season is focused on being around family, so this is such a bittersweet time for us. The first box that I opened had Magdalena's stocking right there on top. It was like ripping the band-aid off instead of slowly pealing it back. Then, I pulled out the ornament that the ladies at Sweet Dreams had given to her. Well, it took all I had not to stop there. I am not antsy to play Christmas tunes, but I love what this time of the year signifies. Because Christ was born, I will be in heaven ...

God has blessed us more than we could have ever imagined in our lifetime, and today we got to recognize this special day with our families. Growing up my mom was amazing to create such special traditions for us each holiday, and one of them is blueberry muffins with chocolate milk on Thanksgiving morning while watching the parade. Today Walt got to enjoy his first blueberry muffin experience. We put down a towel because we knew that he would make a mess, but it was a blast! My mom and dad came over to spend some time with us too! This little man has brought more smiles to my face than I ever thought was possible. Thank you, God, for this precious little boy that you gave to me! I love my family! We have made it through some of the toughest days together, and they have a huge amount of patience with me! Thank you, God, for my two men! And today I went to Magdalena's grave and spent my first peaceful time there. It was a gorgeous day, not too warm and not too hot. A slight ...

Today was a bittersweet day for everyone who knew Layne and her family. We are so full of joy knowing that she is no longer suffering, but she has been fully healed and dancing in honor of God. Yet, our hearts and arms long to keep her here with us. The Gaston family planned an amazing time of celebrating Layne's sweet life and the time that God gave us here on earth. Please continue to pray for the Gaston Family and their two other children as we enter into the holiday season, which is the most difficult time for us who have lost our sweet babies.

Just in case you didn't read this on Layne's CaringBridge site, here is the information for her service. A graveside service will be held Sunday, November 21st at 2:00 pm at the New Cemetery with a Celebration Service immediately following at the First Baptist Church Fellowship Hall (around 2:30). Although we are very saddened by the loss of Layne, it is also a joyous time because she is in her heavenly Father's arms & is fully healed. Because of this, we are asking everyone to celebrate her life with us by wearing some form of bright color at the services this Sunday, whether it be clothing, accessories, etc. Also, in lieu of flowers, we are asking that all memorial donations be sent to: First Baptist Church Preschool Mural Fund (in honor of Layne Grace Gaston)

Early this morning Layne went to be with Jesus. Please pray for the Gaston family as they endure this loss and celebrate her healing.

Please continue to pray for Layne and her family as they care for Layne at home. As of midnight she was having episodes every 15 minutes. In an episode Layne would stop breathing, turn color, and after waiting would begin to breathe again. Please pray for Layne's parents and that God will give them the strength to endure.

After working with Magdalena's pictures, I went back to Walt's scrapbook! My goal for each child is to scrapbook their first year. This takes the place of a typical baby book. I needed to continue with Walt's, which I had not done since this past summer, so I pulled out my cricut machine and got started. Here are the pages of Walt sleeping in his bed for the very first time!

I don't know what made me decide Saturday night to begin editing my Magdalena photos, but I did, and it continued through Sunday. There are so many that I still have not finished. I am getting them ready to be put in a photo book one day, if I can get the nerve to make it. Well, you can imagine what that does to my heart. It pulled it down. Do you know how hard it is to be in the same room with your spouse when you are mad at them? (or maybe it is just me and my temper) Well, that is how I felt with God today. I miss her. She looked just like Walt. Then, God smiled at me today. He smiled at me through my little man. We laid for at least 5 minutes on the ground laughing at him putting his hand in my mouth. Laughing is not an adequate word because he was hysterical. Then, for another 5 minutes we laughed at me putting my hand in his mouth. He laughed and laughed which made me laugh. If I had moved for a moment to get a camera, the moment would have been lost. So we lau...

Yesterday Walt and I had a very fun day! Although he has some major snot issues, they did not slow him down! We worked together on putting the letters to his name inside the correct spot. The neat puzzle/stool was an awesome gift to him from his Kiki and Aimsey! After awhile he was crawling over the stool (pic below), pulling the stool over (so hard that he fell over with it!), and tasting it all. He was such a funny, little man, but it was an incredible day, and I was reminded of why I am glad to be able to stay home with him.

My Psalm for today was beautiful, Psalm 4. I highlighted my favorite parts of the chapter below. It reminded me that God's mercy on us isn't what we expect or ask of him. He knows the big picture in a bigger way than we do. The night before Magdalena died Noah and I took shifts staying awake. We knew she was sick, but I don't know if we acknowledge that this could be the time for her to go home. As I attempted sleep while Noah stayed awake I sobbed and cried out to God for mercy. In my mind that mercy meant more time. I have never felt like God did not hear me, but today as I read Psalm for it was a reminder that in the greatest of things and the tiniest of details God's mercy may not be what we expect. What I had been asking of him was all for me, not for Magdalena whose body was tired, and definitely not for God's glory. I wanted to hold on tight to a life that was not mine to begin with. He did have mercy on me in ways that I never knew to ask, one is ...

Last weekend I went on a women's retreat, and with the preparations before and after, I have not posted. It was an amazing time of study, reflection, and fellowship. I have struggled for so long getting to know people again. Noah gently pushes me, but I prefer very much to myself and my family. I don't go anywhere without Noah if I don't know the people well. He relieves me of the social pressure. Since I have moved in between two of the most social people ever, I have been forced to either jump on the boat or stay on the shore. Well, I jumped on the boat and went to the retreat, and it was an amazing experience for me. One of the things that I have struggled with is prayer. It is definitely a heart issue that God was dealing with me on because it is easy to pray when things are fantastic. It is easier to bring something before God when you need something. But praying when you don't like the hand that you have been dealt can be a bit more challenging. I had t...

Some of you may still be confused about titles of blog posts that begin with "Week", but there is a book by Nancy Guthrie titled The One Year Book of Hope , which I have been slowly reading through. Some readers have joined with me and post comments while others follow along silently. This book is not for those who have lost a child specifically, but it is for anyone who has suffered. At the top of my blog there is a button that says "One Year of Hope", and it will direct you to all of my journaling on the book. Join us late if you like, so that you too can see the hope in Christ. This chapter came in the midst of a lot of things happening, and it was kind of hard to swallow. Many of you may have more to say about feeling protected by God, and please, speak up through commenting so that other readers may benefit through your story. For me, it was a reminder that I have not been forsaken. Psalms 91 91:1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide...

Walt does not understand what is going on, yet, on October 31, so when he dresses up it is for Noah and me and for the sake of pictures. Thankfully, we have not invested a lot of money, if any, into costumes for him. Last year we found his monkey costume at Wal-Mart for $8, and this year we were able to borrow the Sully costume from my sister. My niece was born around the same time of year as Walt, and Lori was able to find this costume at Wal-mart when my niece was about a year old! Mosters Inc. was really popular at the time. What a deal! Cheap for her and free for me!! And look at how cute he was in the costume!! We couldn't actually treak-or-treat when we arrived at Mimi's house because Walt was a little fussy, but once he had had some milk and graham crackers to eat, he "happily" got into his costume to get some candy! Can you believe he is already eating graham crackers? My mom is so good at helping me to let go and give him the next type of food. I alw...

Right now our house is busy! Noah is swamped at school because the end of a semester is approaching quickly, and there is still much to be done in so many of his classes! Walt and I savor every moment that we get to be with him right now! This past Thursday I was able to leave Walt at home so that I could go and spend some time with sweet baby Layne . Layne's mommy, Kristina, and I have been having coffee every week, and I was missing our time together! So with caffeine in hand we were able to chat while I got some snuggle time in with Layne. I have definitely forgotten what four pounds looks like because she is so tiny and sweet and a great little snuggler! It seems as though Layne may have her days and nights mixed up, so Kristina is up in the middle of the night. She enjoys this sweet time with Layne, but it makes it hard to be awake and alert during the day! Also, Layne went to see Dr. Brooks, who we love, and Layne loved her too! They were able to talk about feeding ...

This weekend has been full and exciting for both Walt and me. Noah went out of town for his church planting class. They went to work with a church in Tennessee. It is an amazing experience for him, but we miss him so much! You guys know me through my writing because I write, but I am not the speaker in the family. However, I was asked to be a part of a panel of women from our church to share a few things within a 6 minute period. Each of us discussed the season of our life when we grew the most. I have not spoken about my life with Magdalena before, and I was a nervous wreck. With Noah being out of town I was only going to go for this one part of the woman's retreat, and I was just trying to survive it. I had down what I was going to write, and the night before I completely changed my approach, which made me have multiple, random sheets. I am not an eloquent speaker. My thoughts do not come in an organized fashion. As I sat there waiting for my turn, I was sweating and ...

I can't believe it, but with all of the Layne excitement, I forgot to announce that the winner of the ornament is Ashleyj@........... Congratulations! I will be sending you an email. Please respond within a week to receive the ornament! I always feel a special bond with someone who has a special needs child or who has lost a child, which is one of the MANY reasons why I like to read books by Nancy Guthrie . Noah and I are studying to book of Hebrews, and knowing how much we love us some Nancy, we decided to use her book, Hoping for Something B etter as a reference. Life experiences does affect a person in every aspect, but this book is not intended for those who have lost a child. It is for anyone who wants to go through the book of Hebrews more deeply. There are questions that are intended to be answered before reading each chapter, which take you through a particular section in the book of Hebrews. (Noah and I answer these individually, and then, we come together to discus...