After Magdalena passed away I tried not to relive the day that I had to say goodbye, but it is all right there in my mind. Satan has attacked me this past semester as Walt reached some of the milestones that Magdalena did right before she passed away. When it was time to begin giving Walt rice cereal I could not bear to do it. It made me remember Magdalena's last days and how she ate it. I didn't even want a box of it in my house, and thankfully I had parents in town who helped Walt through that milestone while I avoided it. God has dealt with my heart over the last few months so that I could let go a lot of that pain and move forward instead of holding onto what only Satan could put in my mind. Reading this book made me look at those feelings and realize where they came from. Also, I have really began to think about that last day that I had with my sweet girl. Do you know that I went shopping that day? I had pushed it out of my mind that it was our last day with her, so I went across town to get some candles and a book. I don't even remember why I had it in my mind that I would get those particular items that day, but I did go. My sister stopped by that day to see her while I wasn't there, and when I got home I cooked dinner and invited my parents over to eat. Everyone held Magdalena, even my dad, who feels awkward with babies when they are so little. For so long I have held onto the idea that "why wasn't I there just enjoying Magdalena?" and "why didn't I realize that it was my last day?". I have put so much of that blame on my heart, and it has been weighing me down for too long. That last meal I don't even have the desire to cook anymore because it always reminds me of that last day. But I have been thinking that maybe God had my mind moving everywhere else because otherwise I would have sat there all day holding her refusing to let her go when her time came. I would have held onto what was not mine to begin with. Instead everyone got their last goodbye, which in a close family we all needed.
There is so much other pain that I am still having to deal with, and I pray that over time God will deal with me because he is ready to carry the load for me . I just have to give it to him. So easy to say, but at times so hard to do. The pain of losing her will always exist, but I am referring to the "what if" pain that does not need to remain in my heart. She is safe in the arms of Jesus now and so should my thoughts be.
On page 157 Angie says, "What the Lord has given us can either be taken into ourselves as pain or given back to Him as a holy offering, one that glorifies His name and gives meaning to our loss." May Magdalena's life continue to glorify God, and my prayer is that people will go to their knees to God when they hear or read about her....including myself. Imagine what she would think if I sat her and wallowed in my pain like I want to do some days! I am praying that I will no longer allow Satan to attack me at my weakest point, and that when I think of those last moments with Magdalena I pray to God and that I thank Him for what he gave us instead of allowing thoughts that would come from Satan to sneak into my mind.
Truly, truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy.