Did you notice that I added a button titled "Bring the Rain" to the side bar? That is the link to Angie Smith's blog, who held her daughter for only a few hours before having to say goodbye. Her book, I will Carry You, was released a few weeks ago, and I have had it sitting next to my reading chair for about that time. I knew what would happen when I read it. The time would have to allow my tears to flow because I would relive some of my pain by reading about hers. So it began two days ago over a glass of wine. I pulled my blanket over me and began to know Audrey, who entered this world on April 7, 2008. You may ask, "Why would you want to read about someone else's pain when you have your own?", and my answer would be the same reason why mothers who have lost a child can hug without words and feel like they have known each other for years. Losing a child is a pain that no one can understand unless they've experienced it, and through her book and blog I have been encouraged and felt as though I was not alone in my pain.
After Magdalena passed away I tried not to relive the day that I had to say goodbye, but it is all right there in my mind. Satan has attacked me this past semester as Walt reached some of the milestones that Magdalena did right before she passed away. When it was time to begin giving Walt rice cereal I could not bear to do it. It made me remember Magdalena's last days and how she ate it. I didn't even want a box of it in my house, and thankfully I had parents in town who helped Walt through that milestone while I avoided it. God has dealt with my heart over the last few months so that I could let go a lot of that pain and move forward instead of holding onto what only Satan could put in my mind. Reading this book made me look at those feelings and realize where they came from. Also, I have really began to think about that last day that I had with my sweet girl. Do you know that I went shopping that day? I had pushed it out of my mind that it was our last day with her, so I went across town to get some candles and a book. I don't even remember why I had it in my mind that I would get those particular items that day, but I did go. My sister stopped by that day to see her while I wasn't there, and when I got home I cooked dinner and invited my parents over to eat. Everyone held Magdalena, even my dad, who feels awkward with babies when they are so little. For so long I have held onto the idea that "why wasn't I there just enjoying Magdalena?" and "why didn't I realize that it was my last day?". I have put so much of that blame on my heart, and it has been weighing me down for too long. That last meal I don't even have the desire to cook anymore because it always reminds me of that last day. But I have been thinking that maybe God had my mind moving everywhere else because otherwise I would have sat there all day holding her refusing to let her go when her time came. I would have held onto what was not mine to begin with. Instead everyone got their last goodbye, which in a close family we all needed.
There is so much other pain that I am still having to deal with, and I pray that over time God will deal with me because he is ready to carry the load for me . I just have to give it to him. So easy to say, but at times so hard to do. The pain of losing her will always exist, but I am referring to the "what if" pain that does not need to remain in my heart. She is safe in the arms of Jesus now and so should my thoughts be.
On page 157 Angie says, "What the Lord has given us can either be taken into ourselves as pain or given back to Him as a holy offering, one that glorifies His name and gives meaning to our loss." May Magdalena's life continue to glorify God, and my prayer is that people will go to their knees to God when they hear or read about her....including myself. Imagine what she would think if I sat her and wallowed in my pain like I want to do some days! I am praying that I will no longer allow Satan to attack me at my weakest point, and that when I think of those last moments with Magdalena I pray to God and that I thank Him for what he gave us instead of allowing thoughts that would come from Satan to sneak into my mind.
John 16:20
Truly, truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy.
I also bought the book as soon as it was released but haven't started it. Our baby was diagnosed with T18, but he's made it to month 7 so far... So we know the loss is coming, but haven't experienced it yet. What do you recommend, reading it now or after?
ReplyDeleteAnnie, Everyone grieves differently, so it is hard for me to answer that question, but if it were me, I would wait. You are already grieving what is to come, but by reading it later it may help you to work out some of your feelings whenever God chooses to take baby Noah's life. You can prepare your heart for what is to come but still celebrate that he is still with us! Seven months is amazing! Go baby Noah! He is already beating so many odds!
ReplyDeleteLike Julie said everyone grieves differently, unfortunately for parents of Trisomy 18 babies we are grieving from the minute we find out that they have T18. And we spend minutes, hours, days, months and sometimes years before we even reach the point of their death.
ReplyDeleteI think I might need to find that book to read too.