O Love That Will Not Let Me Go

Sometimes it is so hard to pray. Sometimes it is so hard to sing songs of praise to God. My heart is just angry at times, but when I come running back, God always has his arms wide open for me. Noah's ability to praise God despite his feelings always helps to push me towards God because he doesn't allow his feelings to interrupt what he is called to do. At first watching his strength made me feel guilty that I wasn't the same, but slowly I have realized that I will get my strength back. Hope does exist. And I know that as I wrestle with God's purpose for my life and my heartache it will only draw me closer to him. A good book to make you realize that you are the prodigal's other son too is Tim Keller's The Prodigal God . Honestly, I need to go reread that book too. It is a new way to show the hope of Christ for those that have kept morality to a higher standard than their relationship with God. My prayer is that I will continue to run to God hoping tha...

Our passage to meditate on during week 3. Psalm 103:13-14 " As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust." I heard a song on the radio where the singer asks God to bring on the rain so that if that is what is needed for us to be able to praise him, then, bring it. That song aggravates me. I have no idea who the singer is, but I want to call them up and ask, "Have you ever lost a child?" This is one of the floods that he is praying for in his song. If the singer knew what could be thrown at him, would he continue to pray it in that way? This past week a deceitful heart has been on the tip of my tongue in so many conversations. We know that God is faithful and that through our pain he is glorified, but our hearts go through times of true struggling because they hurt so badly. My mind has to comfort my heart with what I know to be true. I know that God...

With spring here there are flowers and bright colors everywhere I go. Magdalena would have loved the spring. She would have loved to have looked around at the flowers and been outside during this beautiful weather. She would have loved it, and that is what I have been thinking about daily since this weather change has begun. And since I think of her every time that I see a butterfly, butterflies are everywhere. I see people wearing them on their shirt, shoes, necklaces, and they are everywhere in Target right now. I can't help but wonder if the people know what they symbolize and mean, or are they wearing them just because it is nice. I would have been the latter before Magdalena, but now, if you see a butterfly or something pink near me it was intentional. It helps me to carry her with me wherever I go. Easter is always a bittersweet time for us because we know that it is on this day that we celebrate that we will be able to see Magdalena again. Jesus did not remain de...

Walt will turn 6 months in just a few days, and today he got his check-up with 4 shots. He weighs 15 and a half pounds. As usual he smiled and flirted the entire time he went for his check-up. My sweet little man is growing up, and it is already so hard to let go.

Please spend the today and tomorrow on reflection and meditation on the following that Nancy has written for us, and then we will begin Week 3 on Friday, March 26th. REFLECTION Remove distractions from your crowded mind, and ask Jesus to reveal himself to you as a Man of Sorrows. Enjoy his companionship in the loneliness of your grief. Experience the comfort of Jesus, a worthy companion in sorrow. Let him love you, and love him in return. See him struggle with and submit to God's perfect plan that includes suffering, and seek to follow his example. MEDITATION While Jesus was here on earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could deliver him out of death. And God heard his prayers because of his reverence for God. So even though Jesus was God's son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered. - Hebrews 5:7-8 As you read through these verses, picture Jesus praying and pleading with his Father. See his tears and hear his cries...

Hebrews 5: 7-8 In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence. Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered. Hebrews 4:16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Nancy asks us to look at Hebrews 4:14-5:10 and consider the good things that resulted from God's plan and to list the benefits. I continue to struggle with God's plan because all of the things that came out of my loss does not replace Magdalena. I would give anything to hold her and to know what she would like like right now as a 20 month old little girl. So answering this exact question is tough for me. I do know that when we came to terms with the fact that God had not healed Magdalena, we began to pray for other things, which He gave us. He gave us the gift of time...

Luke 13:1-5 I cannot imagine the pain of losing Magdalena without the hope of Christ. Although my emotions have been far from perfect, I have always been reminded of and comforted by the fact that she is being held by Jesus. That he took away the pain she had while on this earth, healed her, and calls her his own. For those who have the passing of a loved one who didn't know Christ or have Christ for comfort themselves, that is the greatest tragedy. Today my heart has been heavy for a special friend of mine who has truly suffered in ways that are unimaginable to me. Why would do this to such a godly person? Why would he take someone who constantly praises his name and goes far beyond what normal society does to tell others about Him? Why??? So many truths came to me about our God being merciful, and how he is our comfort and our shield. It doesn't say that he fulfills these descriptions in a way that we want or expect, and slowly my mind began to wrap around what God h...

I was 22 weeks pregnant during the spring break 2 years ago, and it was on that Friday I found out Magdalena had Trisomy 18. I knew that I was supposed to receive the results that day, and I started off the afternoon calling the doctor to get them. Each time that I called, the nurse took my message, and it wasn't until after my second or third time of calling she put me on hold. When she returned, she said that the doctor was calling me after hours, which would be around five o'clock. Again, I waited. Everyone in my family waited. I "knew" that I was going to hear that she had Down's Syndrome. The doctor called, and I don't remember all that he said, but he was trying to explain that Magdalena had something she would not survive. The worst case scenario that he had given me when we got the amniocentesis done came to pass. The rest of the evening is a total blur to me. I don't even remember how I told Noah or when I did. I know that I called Lori...

John 11: 1-44 What I am gaining most through these verses is truly seeing Jesus as a person. I put him in a category that is impersonal, and although I know he can heal my pain, I forget that he suffered more than just physically while on this earth. He cried knowing what the pain of death what cause a person, but through death we are reminded of a great hope that we have. This is why our response to death is different for those who know Christ and those who do not. "death is the great revealer of what we should believe and of how much we value resurrected life after physical death." Taking this statement for this day without the other readings can be taken wrong, or at least I think so because she isn't saying that there won't be pain and tears when losing a loved one. She is talking about that despite our deceitful hearts, we have hope in what lies ahead. While pregnant with Walt and dealing with losing Magdalena, some Sundays I just couldn't go to church....

I have written many times before on the struggle of dealing appropriately with those we love, whether friends or family, who have truly suffered, so I won't continue to spill, but I do think that it is should be a continual prayer for all of us to show love to those who are suffering. For those of us who are suffering, we need to offer grace to those who may not respond as we see appropriate. Both of these are a prayer for me because I need to offer more grace and I need to pray more about how I deal with those who are suffering, whether their suffering is like mine or if it is different. "Perhaps the greatest comfort I find in seeing Jesus as a man of sorrows is the affirmation that tears do not reflect a lack of faith; indeed, they are a companion to authentic faith." - Nancy Guthrie I have to be honest and say that I have not really considered Jesus' sufferings on this earth. It may have been brought to may attention before, but I have not reflected on it. Ch...

I am so sorry for not following through with my commitment to continue the book/bible study "One Year of Hope". I will continue to post from Chapter 2 tomorrow. It has been a crazy few weeks between stress at work and the t-shirts that we have begun to sell. This week was spring break, and we have really been using this time to rest and regroup from an exhausting semester so far. I didn't realize how long it had been since I had posted until Noah told me today that I needed to show a picture of our shirts and let everyone know that they had come in. They are $18 each with $10 from each shirt going to March of Dimes. The front honors Magdalena with our team name "Magdalena's Feet". If you would like one, you can send an email . I put the shirt in the mail as soon as I get your check!

March of Dimes shirts for this year have been ordered!! They will arrive by Monday, March 8th, and I hope to begin sending them out by Wednesday, March 10th. If you would like one, please, send me an email with your shirt size. Once I have confirmed your order, put a check in the mail to me. They are Southern Belle designed shirts that are $18 with $10 from each shirt going to March of Dimes. They will be lime green with a four color back to this design! If I am mailing the shirt to you, please, include $3 for shipping. The balloons are there because how Magdalena loved a sparkling balloon, and she followed it with her eyes. God blessed her with sight when so many Trisomy 18 babies don't have it. The butterfly is a spiritual symbol for life after death because of its metamorphosis, or transformation, from a caterpillar that crawls on the ground to a beautiful, almost ethereal creature that flies through the air. It has also become a symbol for personal growth and spiritu...