O Love That Will Not Let Me Go

These pictures were taken on January 4th when Magdalena went to spend a little time at her Mimi and Papa's house. You can tell Magdalena was not sure about this little bouncy seat at first, but she only cried for a second because Mimi bounced the seat for her and she realized that she liked it! No tears in the second picture! That little picture of her crying always makes me smile because I remember she always cried with her eyes shut and they looked like an upside down smiley face.

Yes, I have been changed in so many ways, and I feel like God has changed me through life's circumstances. I have had a broken heart, lived outside the country, and now, I have lost a child. I used to be that person. Dramatic. Little things in life seemed to be a huge ordeal. I really noticed this change at work because it would take a meteor to really get me stressed out. Life has put everything in perspective. I know this is good, but it has become a negative too. I have become hardened to so many problems that someone may have because they seem so petty. They could possibly change a person's life, but I think how much worse it could be. So many people, some younger and some older than I am, have been left on what a consider to be a calm river of life. I pray that I will become more considerate of others, their feelings, and all that life gives them. I am learning to live in a different way. One where I am a mother without a child to care for in my arms. This world is harsh, ...

In so many of the sweet emails and comments that I have read, people have spoken of their children loving Magdalena. For the longest time this baffled my mind because I wish that I could keep the pain of losing someone from an innocent child, and I wondered how parents explain this to someone so young. Even though my nieces understanding of death should have clued me in on why it is easier for a child to accept death than an adult, it took some time for it to truly sink in. Certain days, Caroline may want to hear Magdalena's song (made by "Songs of Love"), but it is just too hard. I just can't do it. And I realized that they may miss Magdalena, but they only think about how happy she must be in heaven, and every time they think of her they immediately have heaven thoughts. How amazing! I know that their hearts don't feel heavy, weighed down with the tears, because their faith is that God is amazing and Magdalena is with Him. As an adult it is much harder to give m...

I really try not to have any regrets with how I did things while we had Magdalena with us, and so many times I have internal arguments with myself. I know that I can't change anything now, but when I think about Magdalena, some little thoughts seem to creep their way in there. I pray that God will allow me to rest in that everything happened the way it was intended. I know that will be a continual battle. Back in December, I was set to have Magdalena's picture taken as we were doing each month, but the night before we were to do it, Magdalena pulled her tube out. Replacing the tube was always an ordeal. She hated it, and that slippery little tube just did not always go in immediately. This is why we took pictures the day we would replace the tube for the "one" time each month. It kept her from having to do it more than necessary. Well, once she pulled it out, I cancelled the picture session trying to limit the number of times we would replace the tube. Well, I hate th...

Our first appointment with the doctor was supposed to be last Tuesday, and there were no other available appointments since we were going out of town. I really thought that I was going to lose my mind. Going to the doctor, hearing the heartbeat was going to be me some sort of peace of mind with the world spinning around us. There was no appointment available for a FULL week! Then, I tried to call the nurse Monday morning to see if I could just come in that day to hear the heartbeat, but I was told that it wasn't clinic policy to allow that to happen without a doctor's visit. Then, around midday Dr. C called to explain to me that it was too early to hear the heartbeat, and with that information and kind phone call and a deep breath, I finally got it together. I made it through one more long week, and FINALLY it was time to go see the baby! If I had known that this would be a "real" visit and not just a meet the baby visit I might not have been so excited, but ignoranc...

I realize now why parents appreciate days to sleep in, and there were so many days last fall that I was just asking for a few more minutes. My incredible husband always gave me Saturdays to sleep while he loved and took care of Magdalena. Today, Valentines Day, as we were lying in bed talking I was just couldn't help but think that we would not be doing this if Magdalena was with us. Or Magdalena would be in the bed with us like on Christmas Day. It was such a bitter sweet moment for us because we enjoyed our time together but it is just a reminder of what we miss so much. While Noah was still resting with his eyes shut I just kept picturing my sweet baby and her kissable cheeks. I had been thinking that each holiday we would put flowers or decorations to celebrate, but I just haven't been able to go see her grave, yet. Noah and I are going to go together for the first time, and because I have just not been ready we haven't gone. I want it to be a place where I can ...

Don't forget that we are still raising money for the March of Dimes! Our team, Magdalena's Feet, is walking in March for Babies is May 2nd, and I am looking for people to sponsor me! Go to http://marchforbabies.org/julieroberts to donate money to the March of Dimes!

We are amazed and humbled by all who sent us pictures of themselves honoring our sweet baby, Magdalena. Thank you! There were a few I couldn't get in here for some unknown reason, but know that we have them and they are greatly appreciated and adored by us. Also, thank you to all of you who sent emails and letters of words of encouragement telling us how Magdalena impacted your life. I hope that over my lifetime I can write you back with appreciation. I never read one without crying. They mean the world to me.

Yesterday was very difficult for our family. The smell of flowers, a funeral home, and having to say our last goodbye to someone we love was still fresh in our minds, so having to do it again made us so weak. We are all emotional tired that it seems as though we are just trying to move in the motions of daily life. We were blessed to have so many people drive to Grenada from different places to love on our family and say goodbye to Granddad. My mom, who missed her calling as an interior decorator, had lots of old pictures framed, and Grandmom told us when and where each one was taken. He owned a TV repair shop for many years before retiring. He would pick up and return the TV to its owners, and just seeing a picture of that big, white van brought back so many memories for us. I could remember the squeaky seats and the smell of parts. Granddad and Grandmom spent a lot of their early marriage being an army couple, and we were moved to have the National Guard come and respectfully honor ...

I get the question, "Are you going to have any more kids?" asked often. Since finding out Magdalena's diagnosis it was always a tough question to answer. We had always envisioned ourselves with multiple children, but there was always the lingering thought of having to endure this difficult situation again. Although it is less than a one percent chance that we would have another child with T18, the percentage still exists. When pregnant, I said multiple times that I couldn't do this again and my mom constantly reminded me that it is not always that difficult. Being pregnant was physically uncomfortable, but I was referring to the constant emotional exhaustion. As Magdalena continued to do well, Noah and I weren't sure when to begin thinking about other children. Noah and I discussed that I would work really hard at losing my weight, but I was willing to be five pounds more than what I was originally. People poked fun at my not eating Magdalena's birthday cakes...

Right now my family is full of mixed emotions. My granddad passed away this afternoon. There is a part of all of us that are happy that he is now praising God in heaven and no longer has earthly pains. And I know that he was ready to get up there and have a chance to snuggle with Magdalena. There is a wonderful image that comes to my mind when I think about that. The other part of us feels are open wounds burning with pain. We still haven't had a chance to heal a little bit from Magdalena's passing, and now our family is trying to cope with my grandfather's passing. I am not looking forward to saying goodbye again to someone I love. I don't like the feel of a funeral...the sadness, gloomy faces, etc. We don't feel as though it is completely sad because we know that he is in heaven, but everything funeral related leaves little room for a celebration. This is such a difficult time for our family, especially Granddad's junior high sweetheart, Grandmom. P...

6 months ago today Magdalena and I were celebrating her being with us. Yesterday was so hard. I think that it was the hardest day that I have had to deal with since Magdalena left us. On my way to work I tried to get all of the tears and feelings out of my system. I waited until I got to work to put on my make-up so I wouldn't have to worry about messing it up. It just didn't stop there. I knew that I was physically going to need to do something, like I was doing something for her. I left work a little early and made chocolate cupcakes with a pale pink icing. They were hers. Although I am not a baker, I thought that they were perfectly made just for her. Oh, my sweet girl! We miss her so much! Noah and I went to dinner and a movie last night. It was a good time for us to get out of the house, and the movie kept us laughing. "New in Town" was so funny! After the movie we found out that my grandfather's health is worse, and he has returned to the hos...

We arrived home safely last night. As soon as we got inside I started a load of laundry. I was completely surrounded by everything that I have been neglecting to do since before Magdalena left us. So we are attempting to clean and get organized, but it is definitely not going to be something that happens at a rapid pace. While trying to put everything in its place I run into something that belongs to Magdalena. Formula, syringes, etc. just remind me of what I miss doing. Just a few moments ago I was putting a blank DVD in the cabinet, and there were all of her feeding things. I just sat and stared. I cried, and for a second I thought that I should put all of it away. I am just not ready to do that, yet. Something about it being there comforts me. I like being reminded of her, even if it does make me cry. I don't look at it all of the time, but I don't forget that it's there. Just taking it one day, one cleaning, one step at a time.