When Magdalena had a good, fun day on Friday I thought that we were on the road to recovery. The next day and night would prove us otherwise. Not only did it sound as though Magdalena's cough had worsened, but her heart monitor continued to go off because of her low heart rate. And every cough was followed by crying. Between the three a good night's rest did not exist. Not only because of the noise, but also, because of the fear of what this truly means. Questions ran through our mind all day. Is this it? Is this the cough that tells us her heart is doing worse? Noah was told today that low heart rate could be associated with the coughing. This eased our minds a little, but we are still concerned. Her temperature rises a little, but it always goes back down. We have had to continue to keep check.
Those big blues eyes have gone into hiding today, or if Magdalena chooses to share them with us, they come with loud cries. She does not feel well. Times like this are so tough for us because we are scared. It is so easy to think again that maybe, just maybe Magdalena will be one of the 5% of T18 babies who will make it to their first year when she has so many good days in a row. It is when she is sick that I am reminded that I won't be able to keep her, and when her work is done she will have to go home. I think that I was ready months ago, or as ready as I could have been for such a thing as this, but as time passes I am becoming more attached. I love her more and more that my heart bursts even when I am away from her for moments. When she spends time with my mom I still smell her sweet baby scent, and I can't wait to have those eyes look at me again.
Although these times are hard, I need a wake up call. A reminder not to take a moment for granted. It hurts so much to watch my baby not feel well, and we want to make her feel better, but all we can do is try to comfort her as she goes through this.
Pray that Magdalena will feel comfortable soon, and that in the meantime Noah and I will be patient with each other and the rest of the world as we live on so little sleep.