Sunday, January 11, 2009

Reminders of Reality

When Magdalena had a good, fun day on Friday I thought that we were on the road to recovery. The next day and night would prove us otherwise. Not only did it sound as though Magdalena's cough had worsened, but her heart monitor continued to go off because of her low heart rate. And every cough was followed by crying. Between the three a good night's rest did not exist. Not only because of the noise, but also, because of the fear of what this truly means. Questions ran through our mind all day. Is this it? Is this the cough that tells us her heart is doing worse? Noah was told today that low heart rate could be associated with the coughing. This eased our minds a little, but we are still concerned. Her temperature rises a little, but it always goes back down. We have had to continue to keep check.

Those big blues eyes have gone into hiding today, or if Magdalena chooses to share them with us, they come with loud cries. She does not feel well. Times like this are so tough for us because we are scared. It is so easy to think again that maybe, just maybe Magdalena will be one of the 5% of T18 babies who will make it to their first year when she has so many good days in a row. It is when she is sick that I am reminded that I won't be able to keep her, and when her work is done she will have to go home. I think that I was ready months ago, or as ready as I could have been for such a thing as this, but as time passes I am becoming more attached. I love her more and more that my heart bursts even when I am away from her for moments. When she spends time with my mom I still smell her sweet baby scent, and I can't wait to have those eyes look at me again.

Although these times are hard, I need a wake up call. A reminder not to take a moment for granted. It hurts so much to watch my baby not feel well, and we want to make her feel better, but all we can do is try to comfort her as she goes through this.

Pray that Magdalena will feel comfortable soon, and that in the meantime Noah and I will be patient with each other and the rest of the world as we live on so little sleep.

23 comments:

  1. I've been reading your blog for a little while now...touched by your faith, your daughter, and your story. I've never commented until now, but I just wanted to say that I'm praying for you. I am right now and I will keep doing so. May the loving arms of the Lord hold you tight...

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  2. Julie, I am praying for you, Magdalena and Noah for your patience, rest and peace to take care of your sweet little girl. If she has a cough followed by her cry of discomfort have they checked her lungs, RSV or her heart. In that first year it is so scary and things can get ugly so quick. Since it was the weekend didn't know if you could get a hold of anyone. Praying, praying, and more praying! The longer she is with you, the stronger she will become but the fact is now she is so fragile.

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  3. I wish I had more to say. I've been reading you for awhile, but most of the time I sit quietly, without commenting. You don't know me, and so many others have usually said the same things first.

    Just know that Magdalena is precious and beautiful, and you and your husband are so, so brave. I am praying that she feels better so you will all be happier and can enjoy your time together.

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  4. Please know that you guys are in my prayers. I know that this is not even CLOSE to what you are dealing with, but through fostering children, I know that reality when you are reminded that the time with a baby you have grown to love more than your own life could be gone in an instant. It does make you let the laundry pile up a bit higher, the dishes sit a little longer, the girls-nights out go a little faster...to make every moment with them last as long as possible, sit and read a little longer with them, rock them just a few minutes more after they've fallen asleep in your arms.
    Know that you are being watched over, that Magdalena is being watched over. As much as you and Noah are her mommy and daddy and love her, she has a heavenly Father that loves her more than anyone could ever imagine and knows her every cough, her every cry, her every heartbeat. And He is also your heavenly Daddy and knows your every anxiety, heartbreak and desire. Prayers are with your guys.

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  5. Anonymous9:34 PM

    You are in our thoughts and prayers. Christy and Liam

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  6. You and Noah have shared, through Magdalena, the highest of highs and some of the lowest of lows. You can get through whatever is to come by remembering that you are still sharing everything that is happening in this world of yours. Lean on one another and it will draw you closer and make so many things easier to deal with.

    Hold your faith close and remember that HE does have the answers. You have our prayers always - but especially during these rough patches you are enduring!

    Find a silver lining . . .
    Grannie in Florida

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  7. I am praying for you. I can't imagine the thoughts and the days but how faithful you are being. Hoping for some rest for you all.

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  8. I am praying for you!

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  9. Julie & Noah -

    Please know that Shea and I are continously thinking and praying for you guys. You all are such strong people and your faith in the Lord is so inspriring. I can't imagine the bond you have with your daughter. We only had Mary Glenn for 20 hours but the bond was instant. I pray especially for peace and rest tonight. Stay Strong!

    Bethany

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  10. Praying so hard tonight!

    Live now, I remember something that really stuck with me...Eliot's (99 balloons) mom said it, "Enjoy and be happy now, you can be sad later".

    I know easier said than done, maybe it will help. I won't forget to keep the whole Robert family in my prayers!!

    with love,
    Maxson's mom:)

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  11. Janice8:12 AM

    Dear Julie and Noah,
    Please know that I am keeping you and little Magdalena in my thoughts and prayers. Love and prayers,
    Janice

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  12. Magdalena is such a sweet little girl! I am praying for her cough to get better and for rest for you and Noah. God bless!

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  13. We're praying for you all!
    Love,
    Noele, Brent, Anne and Lydia

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  14. I have been praying for you, Noah and your precious Magdalena since before she was born. She is beyond adorable and such a blessing. Thank you for sharing her with us and I will continue to pray that your sweet girl feels better soon.

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  15. I am a lurker but have been checking on your sweet precious Magdalena for quite some time...I smile at her sweet pictures and have tears as well with the prognosis. I will sure be praying for her and you too. Wendy

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  16. Praying very hard for the entire Roberts family.

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  17. Praying, praying, praying...... may little Magdalena begin to feel her beautiful self.
    I am so sorry the sleep you get right now is scattered.
    Praying that RSV is not your issue or a nasty infection.
    Magdalena is such a inspration to us and so are you and Noah. Live in the moment......... even if you are still in your jammies in the afternoon.

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  18. I hope Magdelena gets much better and soon. My little boys have coughs at the moment too.

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  19. Oh, Julie!

    Praying that sweet Magdalena is all ready feeling better! She is so very, very precious and so blessed to have you and Noah love on her so lavishly.

    If she is not, perhaps her doc can see her and there is medicine or the usual comfort measures to help make her feel less miserable. It is heartbreaking when our babies are acutely ill. Parents never feel less in control. Thankfully our Heavenly Father is in control and that we can go to Him in all things.

    Hope you feel comfortable asking for help if you need it. We all do as parents so take any assistance offered! Maybe someone can spell you while you take a nap...

    Praying, praying, praying!


    Love you guys!!!

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  20. Anonymous2:26 PM

    Julie,

    We love you all, and are so sorry that little Magdalena and all of you are having to cope with the cough, etc.

    Praying for you today.

    Ken

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  21. Hey, Jul:

    You know we're praying. Almost called you today. Will call tomorrow. Sorry she's feeling poorly. And I hate to hear of the wakeup call but am glad that you are enjoying every moment. I love y'all!

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  22. Just checking in to see if she is any better today? Praying for improvement.

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  23. Hi Mama Friend~
    Just know that I am thinking of you guys often. It is a good thing that she is fussy....she is fighting whatever it is and not just letting things set in....she is fighting and we are not happy when we fight either.....believe me when I say "I know it is not easy to watch" since we had our ups and downs with Jacob....but when he was loudly miserable, he was fighting.....it's not fun as a parent to have her sick (long nights, just sad tears) but be proud of her....and just think, longer nights up with her means more time spent with her! (I know you want to hit me right now for saying that!:) Give a call if you want to talk about anything.

    Loving you from Buffalo,

    Karen Fahmer

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