Thursday, January 22, 2009

Peaceful

Not since I was young has someone in my family passed away, and even then it was not a close relative, so I have never truly grieved over someone. I have never seen a body after the soul has left it. This is something that I dreaded because there were so many unknowns. I just didn't think that I would be able to handle seeing Magdalena is this condition. Once in the hospital and once after a few days of being home Magdalena scared me thinking that her time was up here on earth. As I wrote in previous posts, it was a scary moment. She turned so blue, and her eyes were open looking at me as I beat her heavily on the back. During those times I felt helpless, and it was even more emotional because she was suffering trying to breathe. I did not want to see her pass in this way.

Many of you wrote how surprised you were when hearing that Magdalena had gone to be with Jesus, and honestly I was surprised too....to a certain extent. I knew that she was getting sicker and her cheeks were not so rosy as they once were, but I thought that we had more time. Yet, when I look back at pictures and think on all that was happening it seems so obvious now that it was coming. Monday night (Jan. 12) I lied down to go to bed I prayed that God would give us just one more good day and that Magdalena would not suffer. I told Lori this before falling asleep, and when thinking on it later God granted me both. He had granted me one more day the Friday before when I thought that Magdalena was doing better we went to Lori's house for a movie night where Caroline and Emma were able to spend time with her for the last time. Noah had planned to wake me up at 2am for my shift but Magdalena had not been coughing or crying so he rested next to her until her alarm went off saying that her heart rate was dropping. This was a little after 5am. He called to me to come even then not knowing that it was time. After tripping and falling completely over the trunk that sits close to our bed I ran downstairs. We both just knew. We tried giving her a fighting chance but as her heart rate and breathing slowed down even more we turned the machine off just to enjoy her. She wasn't fighting because she knew that she would rather be playing in the arms of Jesus. It was so peaceful. She did not suffer. Noah and I were both there with her. God had mercy on our family and allowed her to come peacefully to Him.

Noah and I sat together holding her for awhile before calling Magdalena's sweet nurse. Even when she came she sat with us, helped us make two more molds of her hand (one finger pointed up as always) and foot. We gave our family a chance to come and say their goodbyes. We continued to hold her while the family went upstairs and began to email and contact people. Then, we looked at her but she was no longer there. It was obvious.

I thought that it would be so hard to give her body away to the funeral director. It was hard because I wanted so badly to keep her, but again I realized when I looked at the body it was only her outer shell and she was no longer there. The peaceful passing and realization that it was only a shell showed God's extreme mercy on Noah, Magdalena, and me. I won't write that it was easy because the human part of me still saw Magdalena when I saw her body, but my heart knew that it wasn't.

39 comments:

  1. Bless you, Julie and Noah. You have been so strong and so faithful, and the very best earthly parents for your precious Magdalena. Sending hugs and prayers and love to you.

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  2. Thank you for this. I'm not sure I can find the words to express how thankful I am that you and Noah can articulate and still share your world with us and how God's grace and mercy are with you everey step of the way.

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  3. i have no words to say. your writing leaves me in tears and in awe of your strength and faith. continuing to pray for you. thanking God for Magdalena's time here on earth and for her ultimate healing in Heaven. Your family is a beautiful testament to the love of our God. thank you for sharing.

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  4. Thank you for sharing that memory with us....

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  5. I am praying for your healing. Although I know the grief of her passing will never fully heal, I am praying that God continues to give you peace.

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  6. I really do not know what to say here. Thank you so much for sharing this story with all of us from the beginning- and knowing this is not the end. Magdalena will live on in the hearts of so many. Her story has brought me closer to the God I love. Continuing to pray for both you and Noah daily. You are such amazing parents.

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  7. You are such an incredibly strong mother. I sit here in absolute amazement at your ability to relay to us, some complete strangers, the passing of your beautiful daughter.

    You and your husband deserve all the happiness in the world, and I think during those 167 days that Magdalena was alive you may have only seen the start.
    Not only were you 2 blessed to have her with you and have her as a daughter, she was so fortunate to have 2 such doting, loving, and loyal parents.

    I hope you continue to blog come good and bad, tears and smiles, and keep us all informed on how you are.

    Thank you for letting us into your lives.

    Melody

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  8. I am once again in tears as I think of your loss of Magdalena, but so thankful that God gave you peace and comfort even as he called Magdalena home with Him. Please do continue to blog and let us know how things are going in your lives.

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  9. God bless you both. I am crying as I read your amazing words, praising God for carrying you through this- all three of you. Your testimony has touched my life deeply.

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  10. Julie,

    Your blog entry brought tears to my eyes. My heart breaks for you and Noah, but I know God will give you peace and strength beyond your understanding. I know this because while I have never lost a child, I have watched someone I love with all my heart and soul take their last breath. My best friend...my mama...passed away from Cancer in Sept. She was just diagnosed in July, so it went really fast. I too had tremendous fears about what the end would be like for her, but God's grace is amazing and she went very peacefully with my dad, sister, and me holding her hands and talking to her until the very end. My biggest fear was to watch her leave, but an even bigger fear was to not to be there to say good bye.

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. It's amazing how this little girl touched so many people in such a short time.

    I am praying for you and Noah.

    Love,
    Jennifer Hobson

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  11. Julie and Noah, thanks for writing so beautifully about Magdalena and how Jesus came to fetch her. It is just like our awesome God to give you such a peace when you needed it most.

    I remember sitting with our own little girl on my lap and feeling the exact same thing - it was just a shell and she was with Jesus.

    I still feel the same way when I lookk at her photographs. It is just a piece of paper, but I am smiling into the eyes of a little girl whom I know is not dead, but vibrantly, joyfully alive with Jesus.

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  12. Julie and Noah,

    My prayers are with you as you continue on this journey and I ask the Lord to continue pouring out His peace on you as He now holds your Magdalena so tenderly. I want to thank you for sharing her with us and sharing her peaceful passing into Jesus's arms. May He continue to wrap you in His tender peace and love.

    Laurie

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  13. I guess I don't even know what to say. I know that you are broken with the loss of your sweet girl. I think you also feel incredibly blessed to have gotten to have so much time together. What a blessing to have getten to show her so much.
    She was SUCH a special little girl...that was so easy to see and I didn't ever spend time with her.
    I am so glad that her passing was a peaceful time and that she did not struggle. She was so blessed to have you and Noah as parents.

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  14. I guess I don't even know what to say. I know that you are broken with the loss of your sweet girl. I think you also feel incredibly blessed to have gotten to have so much time together. What a blessing to have getten to show her so much.
    She was SUCH a special little girl...that was so easy to see and I didn't ever spend time with her.
    I am so glad that her passing was a peaceful time and that she did not struggle. She was so blessed to have you and Noah as parents.

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  15. Thank you for sharing your most private and final moments with your precious Magdalena. You and Noah are in our prayers.

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  16. Anonymous1:37 AM

    Your strength and faithfulness goes beyond anything I have ever seen. You are a true inspiration to everyone. Thank you for sharing your memories. I will continue to pray for you and your family.
    NiCole

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  17. Thank you for sharing this, Julie. It comforts our hearts.
    With love,
    Noele

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  18. Your family has been so much on my heart lately, and my eyes filled up upon seeing that the title of your post was "Peaceful". I am so glad that your faith is sustaining you, and cannot tell you how much your journey has touched me and so many others, I am sure. I will continue to keep you guys in my prayers.

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  19. I have no idea what to say. (It's difficult to see as the tears flow out of my eyes) I am so very sorry for your loss...I am so grateful for His peace. I have thought about you and prayed for you all so frequently...it's so difficult to be the ones left behind. Thank you for allowing us to walk this path with you as well.

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  20. Anonymous6:44 AM

    I am so sorry.

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  21. i sit here with tears in my eyes and am so thankful that God allowed her to pass easily and that you and Noah got to be there. You two are incredibly strong people and I want to thank you for sharing Magdalena's beautiful life with me.

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  22. God bless you. I am so glad He gave Magdelena to peaceful passing you were praying for.

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  23. Linda7:23 AM

    As I type this, tears are flooding my eyes...You are the bravest, sweetest woman I know. It truly is a priviledge and honor to know you thru this blog. God is good.

    Linda from Texas

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  24. Anonymous7:35 AM

    Julie, thank you for sharing with us Magdelena's last momemnts with you. Your words are beautiful and I'm so inspired by you. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your lives. God bless you, Noah and your little angel.

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  25. Anonymous8:02 AM

    Thank you for your words - you continue to walk through this journey with such abounding grace.

    I am continuing to pray for you and your family.

    Blessings,

    Beth,
    MI

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  26. I'm so glad to hear that Magdalena went peacefully surrounded by you and Noah. Know that we are still praying and thinking of you and your family.

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  27. GOD bless Julie and Noah. Your faith is truely an inspiration to me.

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  28. I am so terribly sorry that your time with Magdalena here on earth is over...I still can't quite believe that she is gone. I am relieved to read that her passing was gentle and that you had a chance to make more lasting and sweet memories. You are an amazingly strong family - Magdalena was SO LUCKY to have you both as parents.

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  29. Anonymous11:00 AM

    Noah and Julie,
    I have followed your blog almost every day since the beginning and as I did, I prayed for you each time. My heart has hurt with yours and, shared the joys in the happier times as well. My prayers continue to be with you as you continue your journey of healing. Even though I know this has been so difficult, I too, thank you both for your trust in and commitment to God and His ultimate purpose for your lives, and that of precious Magdalena's little life. Love to you both, Kathy Suber

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  30. Thank you so much for sharing that memory with us. You are so blessed to be Magdalena's parents and I am so glad that she went peacefully.

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  31. Thank you, Jesus, that you allowed Julie and Noah to be with their precious baby as she passed into Your care. Thank you that they truly saw, with their spiritual and physical eyes, that while they held her sweet body Magdalena wasn't there at all because she was with You.

    Thank you that this young couple parented this beautiful baby in such a perfect way. Thank you that they shared her with family, friends, and all of us so that we could love her from afar and pray for this sweet family.

    Thank you for each day gave you gave them together and for each memory they now have. Thank you for the impact Magadalena had in her sweet, short life. Thank you for their faith in You, for their steadfastness and their trust in You.

    Please continue to bless and comfort Julie and Noah, and their families and friends. Surround them with the peace that passes all understand that only You can give! Surround them with your love, Lord. Amen.

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  32. hey Julie~

    That was so wonderful to read.
    I've been so worried about ya'll and continued to say prayers.

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  33. Julie, as everyone has said before me, thank you. Thank you for including us in every step of this incredible journey. Your stength is absolutely amazing. All my love and continued prayers, Heather

    ps- every night I say prayers for Thomas since he's not speaking yet and we always say a special prayer for you, Noah, and Magdalena and Thomas ALWAYS smiles when I say her name. I think its neat...like he knows her. Just wanted to share.

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  34. Thank you for sharing this Julie. I know it was such a sacred moment for you both, but that moment also blesses others to know that God is good until the very end. I praise God for our last moments as well. It is a gift to hold on to and yet we know they are dancing right now. I can only imagine the worship in heaven. Oh I think of it often. Praying for you as you navigate your journey through grief. It will be your own. It will feel right however you choose to do it and God will be right beside you as well as in front of you! Thinking of you lots.

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  35. Your family is such a gift to the world. Thank you for opening up once again. Magdalena leaves me speechless and in awe.

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  36. Praying for you as you walk this grief journey. You are held tenderly in His very capable, loving hands.

    Susie

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  37. Thank you for sharing. What a beautiful, precious baby! I am so thankful we know she is with Jesus and looking forward to meeting her one day in heaven. I will keep you in my prayers whenever I think of you. May the Lord's comfort and love be with your family during this time.

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  38. Erin Jones Schmidt12:41 PM

    Julie, I had so many questions after she passed that I couldn't ask you but I wanted to to know that you were OK. God's mercy is amazing! Thank you for sharing this most personal of moments, my heart is so happy that it happened so peacefully, moving s peacefully from the arms of her loving earthly parents in to the arms of her heavenly father. What an amazing little girl, thank you for sharing her with us.

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  39. I will keep you and Noah in my prayers - your strength and faith in Our Father will bring strength to others that are feeling weak. Your testament to beautiful Magdalena is a testament to your heart. God Bless You!

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