Not since I was young has someone in my family passed away, and even then it was not a close relative, so I have never truly grieved over someone. I have never seen a body after the soul has left it. This is something that I dreaded because there were so many unknowns. I just didn't think that I would be able to handle seeing Magdalena is this condition. Once in the hospital and once after a few days of being home Magdalena scared me thinking that her time was up here on earth. As I wrote in previous posts, it was a scary moment. She turned so blue, and her eyes were open looking at me as I beat her heavily on the back. During those times I felt helpless, and it was even more emotional because she was suffering trying to breathe. I did not want to see her pass in this way.
Many of you wrote how surprised you were when hearing that Magdalena had gone to be with Jesus, and honestly I was surprised too....to a certain extent. I knew that she was getting sicker and her cheeks were not so rosy as they once were, but I thought that we had more time. Yet, when I look back at pictures and think on all that was happening it seems so obvious now that it was coming. Monday night (Jan. 12) I lied down to go to bed I prayed that God would give us just one more good day and that Magdalena would not suffer. I told Lori this before falling asleep, and when thinking on it later God granted me both. He had granted me one more day the Friday before when I thought that Magdalena was doing better we went to Lori's house for a movie night where Caroline and Emma were able to spend time with her for the last time. Noah had planned to wake me up at 2am for my shift but Magdalena had not been coughing or crying so he rested next to her until her alarm went off saying that her heart rate was dropping. This was a little after 5am. He called to me to come even then not knowing that it was time. After tripping and falling completely over the trunk that sits close to our bed I ran downstairs. We both just knew. We tried giving her a fighting chance but as her heart rate and breathing slowed down even more we turned the machine off just to enjoy her. She wasn't fighting because she knew that she would rather be playing in the arms of Jesus. It was so peaceful. She did not suffer. Noah and I were both there with her. God had mercy on our family and allowed her to come peacefully to Him.
Noah and I sat together holding her for awhile before calling Magdalena's sweet nurse. Even when she came she sat with us, helped us make two more molds of her hand (one finger pointed up as always) and foot. We gave our family a chance to come and say their goodbyes. We continued to hold her while the family went upstairs and began to email and contact people. Then, we looked at her but she was no longer there. It was obvious.
I thought that it would be so hard to give her body away to the funeral director. It was hard because I wanted so badly to keep her, but again I realized when I looked at the body it was only her outer shell and she was no longer there. The peaceful passing and realization that it was only a shell showed God's extreme mercy on Noah, Magdalena, and me. I won't write that it was easy because the human part of me still saw Magdalena when I saw her body, but my heart knew that it wasn't.