I have realized that because Magdalena has lived so long, some people that I encounter think that Magdalena is "better". I am trying to become better at explaining clearly that the doctors don't say that she is better because of the number of days that she has been with us, but that God, for a reason I don't know, has blessed our world with her. No matter how many days that she has with us, it doesn't change her heart problem, her syndrome, and the doctors will never promise one more day.
When I found out that Max went to be with Jesus so soon in life, I cried my eyes out. I was praying that God would give their family a lot of time to enjoy their precious gift. And it is selfish of me to be sad knowing that God used that 3 hours of his earthly life to glorify Him. I also know that it doesn't end there. People will see how beautiful life is and glorify God through Max's family as they share their story. Last night I questioned why God has blessed us with so many days with Magdalena. We are far from deserving any time with her, but in my heart I have to give it to Jesus. Knowing that His plan for each of these T18 babies is different. May we continue to praise God for all of these babies because through each one He is glorified.
Denying that I don't have days when I am mad would be the biggest lie that I have ever told. I have accepted it, but sometimes I just want to find out that God has healed her. I do believe that God could make her perfectly healthy in an instant if He chose that way for her, but I have to daily give her life to Him knowing that He is using it more in this short time than He would in seventy years.
Driving is usually my only alone time, and I enjoy it. It is a time to cry, let things settle in my mind, or let my heart be open to what is happening. It is a time to give Magdalena back to Jesus. Because my car is having technical difficulties which will cost a lot to fix, I have been driving Noah's car. One day he had a c.d. playing of Shane and Shane, a group that I knew he enjoyed. Although I had never listened to any of their cds in full, I let it play one particular day. The song playing "Before The Throne" made my tears fall the entire way to my destination. Since then I have come to listen to more of the songs, and the cd has become a way of worship for me. One of the songs that I have a special place for in my heart is "Healed". It is a song praising God, and one line praises God for healing to the uttermost. God has done just that in our lives, and I praise him for when the time comes for Magdalena when he heals Magdalena. She will no longer have clubbed feet, clenched fists, or a confused mind. I can see her running to Jesus, knowing exactly who He is, and wrap her arms around Him. It is a beautiful picture that allows me to let go of my selfish thoughts and know that the life given to her is better than one I could ever imagine.