First, I want to apologize for not recognizing the amazing March for Babies team we had this year before now. I cannot wait to tell you all about it! As you can imagine it was an emotional event for my family and me that we poured our hearts into, and by Monday I really had a breakdown. I didn't want the walk to be a sad event, but an amazing one in which we celebrated the amazing 167 days that God blessed us with, and also, give us a chance to share Magdalena's life with others. So I kept inside the tears, but they were bound to leak out at some point. Once they started there was no more holding it in. I just needed a few days to regroup and gather my strength up again for other battles that await. I didn't want to write about my anger and sadness because I know that those are not my true feelings. They only come around when the devil does a sneak attack during an emotionally tired time. My anger for a few days made me act as a child does when they are mad, not talking to the one person that I really need to talk with. But I was happy when God had mercy on me again and released the heavy burdens on my heart, tore the anger out, and refreshed me for many more days. I don't mean that I walk around happy all day long. No, in fact I would say that I am much more to myself because I really don't want people asking how I am as everyone does not really expecting a true answer. My peace comes down deeper. Joy. Joy is not the day to day feelings and emotions but what we can only get through our God. The time will come when I need to break out of my shell heading into the next phase, but for now I am trying to exist in this one learning a little bit at a time how to live this new kind of life.
This morning Magdalena left this world to be with Jesus. There really isn't too much else I can say but to please pray for Julie and Noah. For now, they do not want any calls, emails or visits. I will you keep you updated on the arrangements.
Dear Child...I think you need to have all these range of emotions in order to heal. This was an awfully big wound and it will take much time. I pray for you both everyday. God Bless you.
ReplyDeleteI love this -- that there is joy. But I also love that you are transparent with the negative emotions. Job had them. David had them. I personally think it's ok to have them... Since I don't understand this level of grief, I will leave this quote (I may have left it before) that someone else who lost a child shared with me: "There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still." ~Corrie Ten Boom
ReplyDeleteThat is soo well said! I can really to the meltdowns, but also to Gods amazing Love. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteYou said it so well Julie- we encompass all of these emotions and learn to llive with them. No one day is all good nor bad- just bittersweet. I would love to say it all gets easier - just different and less physically painful. We still wish with all our hearts he was here as a 16 year old and not just in our hearts.
ReplyDeleteI want to share with you what my mom always taught me for as long as I can remember.
ReplyDeleteJ = Jesus First
O = Others Second
Y = Yourself last
= JOY !
Well said. Thank you for sharing your experience. We are all growing along with you, Julie!
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful thing to do for the March of Dimes to honor your daughter, Magadalena.
God bless you and give you His peace!
Love,
Kathy