3 More Nights

72 hours from today I will be snuggling with little Walt, and I am ready. I am physically and emotionally ready to know him face to face. Any pregnant woman by this point truly feels as though they are losing their mind, so I know that I am not alone when I say that is what I have felt like. I can't remember anything. I can't concentrate, and I am constantly thinking of the things I need to be doing before Monday. None of these things are truly important, but they are part of the whole "nesting" process. I was so glad that my work found a sub for me early because I don't know if I could have passed the torch on in such a short period of time, but it also, gave me a little bit of a brain break on my last few days. I have been able to "let go" some (ok, I let go very quickly) of the things that I was trying to complete at work and fully focus on taking care of Noah and me. This is an emotional time for both of us. He doesn't write much, but he lost a daughter too and has had to try to lead a family while full of pain himself. We have also had to deal with so many emotions associated with grieving and having a new child that are very hard to explain. During the time when a younger sibling is born the big sis or big brother get to participate in so much of the fun too with t-shirts that claim their title and presents from family members. But also, the parents strive to make the child know that enough love exists to be shared. There is so much guilt inside of our hearts because we can't exactly "show" this to Magdalena, and although we know that she is loved greater now than ever could exist on this earth, we feel such guilt as parents for showing so much attention to Walt. Andrea, our NILMDTS (http://www.nilmdts.org/) photographer really helped to verbalize everything that I had been feeling over the summer. I had been worrying over getting many of Magdalena's pictures developed before Walt would be born, and it is because I didn't want to have Walt's pictures made ahead of Magdalena. I never wanted her to feel as though we just "moved on" and she was replaced. I had to realize that by doing small things for Walt does not make me a bad mother, and although I am not completely free from feelings of guilt, I do try to remember that Magdalena knows that I love her with my whole heart and by sharing love with Walt does not take any away from her. Sometimes I share these feelings with her by looking at her sweet face and just thinking "I love you" and mentally kissing her cheek. She knows. I know that she knows, but sometimes the emotions fly away from what the brain knows. As we share our joy of what God will bring us in the form of a baby boy, we are also striving to raise him and love him as God has commanded us to do. He will know of Magdalena, and he will know that he has brought us as much joy as she did. Yes, we can all still feel the pain of losing sweet, baby Magdalena, but now, I would like us all to love her but begin celebrating on what we are seeing on Monday, Walt!

Yes, I am excited. Yes, I am nervous. Yes, I have a billion butterflies in my stomach. I am a mother who is not naive to think nothing bad can happen to me, but I also know that it is all in God's perfect hands. I pray that God may he have mercy on our family and give us a healthy baby.

Please pray for us the following specific ways if you feel led:

• To enjoy the upcoming moments with Walt and to cherish them and to not allow the place be a distractor in that joy
• For Walt's safe delivery and his health (Monday, 9/28/09 at 7:30 am)
• That Noah and I would communicate well with each other while having a newborn baby
• Noah and I would learn to care for a "normal" baby
• That others cannot help but see God's handiwork in Walt
• Walt will believe in Jesus at an early age

John 12:44 - "And Jesus cried out and said, "Whoever believes in me, believes not in me but in him who sent me."
In the days ahead as we welcome little Walt into this world, I know that Noah and I will be scared but that we will also feel like David in Psalms 30. "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!"