As fall approaches and the temperature cools off I feel as though some of the weight is being lifted from my heart. August has been difficult, much more so than I could ever imagine. And although I love to celebrate my sweet Magdalena, it also brings much of my heartbreak to the surface. I was driving to work the other day and just realized that I felt "better". I put the word in quotations because "better" doesn't mean that I have miraculously "gotten over it", but I can feel like I can move forward again. I am sure setbacks like the one August brought will come around all the soon approaching holidays, but for now I am trying to move (just move...please do not associate with move on). I don't know if you heard bitterness and anger in my tone of writing, but those were the feelings that I have felt. Maybe that is why I didn't write too often. Not that I don't think those feelings are normal, but I don't want to necessarily remember them and highlight them too much. There is always at least one time during the day that I just have to cry because I miss snuggling and kissing my sweet Magdalena, but I can be around people again. A day doesn't pass when I am not asked "Is this your first?" "How old is your girl?", and these are perfectly normal questions, but sometimes just hard to answer. I am glad to be able to talk about Magdalena and glad that she is so close to my mind on so many days, but some questions can be difficult to answer without elaborating and beginning to cry (and we all know that the pregnancy hormones are not helping either!).
I have been trying to make social attempts lately, and although I may seem a bit awkward to people, I feel as though they were successful. Although terrified upon entering, I made it through. Last Saturday some ladies in our church graciously hosted a baby shower for Walt, and saying that I was nervous put it lightly. I had not put myself in such a type of social siutation in so long that I wasn't even quite sure what to do. On the way to the shower Noah just couldn't quite understand why I was so scared, and he continued to encourage me that this was everyone coming because they loved us. I still saw it possibly as an event where I just may not "pass the test", but it made me feel so much better that Noah was going with me. He stood there the entire time as I opened gifts, and at the end of it all I saw that how right he was. I had so much fun seeing all of the things people chose for Walt to use, wear, or to help me with him, and the ladies made the time so beautiful! I actually found that going to church the next Sunday was easier because of the shower. I had become more comfortable with the surroundings and people. Also, I was able to listen to the teaching without focusing on not crying the entire time. It was definitely refreshing!
As of today I am officially 35 weeks pregnant with Walt, and I definitely feel it, but at the same time it is the time of the year when new events start at the beginning. This is the easiest time to go because there are so many new people that I can just slip in with them instead of beginning in the middle of the year which would draw more attention to myself. I am trying to become more involved with the ladies on the campus where Noah attends seminary and with the women of the church. I know that in a few weeks I will not be able to go for a little while, but it is so much easier now than it has been, and I want so badly to be involved again, even if it is just a little bit. I constantly have to remind myself that it takes just small steps and a long period of time, but the small steps add up!
Walt is doing well with good doctor check-ups. Starting next week we will be going weekly, and it also marks how close we are getting to his arrival date. Not only am I ready to have him to so that I don't feel so much bodily strain, I am so ready to meet him, hold him, and know that for now he is safe. Maybe we will have another sonogram soon...I would love to take a peek at him again and show off some pictures.