Sunday, August 30, 2009

Fall Approaching

As fall approaches and the temperature cools off I feel as though some of the weight is being lifted from my heart. August has been difficult, much more so than I could ever imagine. And although I love to celebrate my sweet Magdalena, it also brings much of my heartbreak to the surface. I was driving to work the other day and just realized that I felt "better". I put the word in quotations because "better" doesn't mean that I have miraculously "gotten over it", but I can feel like I can move forward again. I am sure setbacks like the one August brought will come around all the soon approaching holidays, but for now I am trying to move (just move...please do not associate with move on). I don't know if you heard bitterness and anger in my tone of writing, but those were the feelings that I have felt. Maybe that is why I didn't write too often. Not that I don't think those feelings are normal, but I don't want to necessarily remember them and highlight them too much. There is always at least one time during the day that I just have to cry because I miss snuggling and kissing my sweet Magdalena, but I can be around people again. A day doesn't pass when I am not asked "Is this your first?" "How old is your girl?", and these are perfectly normal questions, but sometimes just hard to answer. I am glad to be able to talk about Magdalena and glad that she is so close to my mind on so many days, but some questions can be difficult to answer without elaborating and beginning to cry (and we all know that the pregnancy hormones are not helping either!).
I have been trying to make social attempts lately, and although I may seem a bit awkward to people, I feel as though they were successful. Although terrified upon entering, I made it through. Last Saturday some ladies in our church graciously hosted a baby shower for Walt, and saying that I was nervous put it lightly. I had not put myself in such a type of social siutation in so long that I wasn't even quite sure what to do. On the way to the shower Noah just couldn't quite understand why I was so scared, and he continued to encourage me that this was everyone coming because they loved us. I still saw it possibly as an event where I just may not "pass the test", but it made me feel so much better that Noah was going with me. He stood there the entire time as I opened gifts, and at the end of it all I saw that how right he was. I had so much fun seeing all of the things people chose for Walt to use, wear, or to help me with him, and the ladies made the time so beautiful! I actually found that going to church the next Sunday was easier because of the shower. I had become more comfortable with the surroundings and people. Also, I was able to listen to the teaching without focusing on not crying the entire time. It was definitely refreshing!

As of today I am officially 35 weeks pregnant with Walt, and I definitely feel it, but at the same time it is the time of the year when new events start at the beginning. This is the easiest time to go because there are so many new people that I can just slip in with them instead of beginning in the middle of the year which would draw more attention to myself. I am trying to become more involved with the ladies on the campus where Noah attends seminary and with the women of the church. I know that in a few weeks I will not be able to go for a little while, but it is so much easier now than it has been, and I want so badly to be involved again, even if it is just a little bit. I constantly have to remind myself that it takes just small steps and a long period of time, but the small steps add up!
Walt is doing well with good doctor check-ups. Starting next week we will be going weekly, and it also marks how close we are getting to his arrival date. Not only am I ready to have him to so that I don't feel so much bodily strain, I am so ready to meet him, hold him, and know that for now he is safe. Maybe we will have another sonogram soon...I would love to take a peek at him again and show off some pictures.


  1. Julie---
    Know that I'm praying for you!!!

  2. You are such a strong person and I enjoy reading your posts! Not much longer until your little boy is here!

  3. I love how you post " not associate with moving on" People who have never grieved deeply cannot possibly understand that when others suggest moving strongly applies to the one grieving that it's time to get past all this, it's time to let go of the past, get over it, and "move on". I think mostly it is said or implied, because to those who may not be grieving as much over the same loss, are uncomfortable with the extended grief of those who are hurting more. Does that make sense? Any way, I do not know the grief of loosing a child, but I have watched my mother over the last nine months grieve deeply over the sudden death of my father in car accident last December. She doesn't know how to live life with out him. No one around her, though they loved my dad, can relate to her deep deep grief. Not even me. The way she longs for him. The way she does not know how to live life without him. She doesn't know how to live at 52 years old, without the man she has been with since she was 17. So many times she has heard IN others well meaning words, that they wanted her to "move on." I have had the hardest time expressing to her that she does need to start to "move" but that moving does not mean forgetting or letting go or getting over it or even being at peace with this lot that God has given her. Most of that will come with time...but that she does need to start to breath deep and start to enjoy those she still has with embrace this new life...even though she hates it...even though it is not the one she had planned for or hoped for.

    Anyway..sorry to dump all that on was simply to say...that post was helpful for me...Thank you for your transparency. Your willingness to share is helping others more than you know. Praying for a great birth and times of peace as you begin to walk this new road with your precious Walt.

    Even though I don't know you and didn't get to meet Magdalena here on earth I think about her out of the blue now and again. One day, I'll meet her in heaven and tell her about how much her life encouraged me. Thank you for being willing to share her with us all.

  4. Julie, I am really praising God for all the ways you are moving. And for all the ways that that Walt is growing and preparing to be held and loved by his mom and dad.

    Be sure and read Karen Fahmer's beautiful post. It's breathtaking. You will have these same moments coming up to enjoy and cherish.

  5. Happy 35 weeks!

    Magdalena will always be in your heart and thoughts...

    The important thing is that you celebrated every day she was with you, in your womb and here on Earth and you continue to celebrate now that she is with God in Heaven, healed and complete.

  6. Small steps sweetie, small steps. He will go with you as you learn to walk again...and don't forget...we'll never run off and leave you!! You are so very loved!


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