The Climb

Ok, so I have a confession to make. I am like a teenager when it comes to some of the music I like. It would be impossible for me to be married to Noah without having partly good taste in music, but every now and then there is an artist/show that I like that is not intended to be watched by my age group. For example, I would pick to watch the Disney channel any day of the week, and I have realized that this is because it is "safe". Although the shows can be stupid at times, they are not emotionally draining as adult movies can be, which I cannot handle. All of this to say that this post is about a song by Miley Cyrus that got me thinking. I am sure that the song has nothing to do with what I thought about when hearing it, but it reminded me so much of how the smallest reminders get help set us straight at times. So if you are totally against teeny boppers, please, no pressure to watch it, but I am putting the link here just in case someone has not heard the song but would like to see what I am talking about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2zyeVRcbs

Sleeping hasn't come easily lately. Between my thoughts of Walt and Magdalena and trying to feel comfortable, I wake up constantly struggling to return to sleep again. It is leaving me exhausted today, but I can tell right now as I write Walt is playing inside so that is comforting. I have been struggling with what to do with my life now. What is the next step for me? While Magdalena was with us, we lived for each day. What I would do daily totally depended on her, how she felt, and if she were still with us. Since she has gone I am trying to adjust to this different way of living because it is impossible to go back the way it was before she were here, and thankfully I don't want to be back at that place in my life. I struggled through finishing out the school year, and surprisingly I am enjoying the peacefulness of the summer. I wake up early to read, and I have time and energy to just be still. I hadn't realized how much I needed this time, but it truly has been good for me to reflect. This "climb" is hard because I have to deal with the sin in my life and all that has happened without staying focused on it. I can't remain in the same spot, and I don't know where I will end up in a few months, but I know that I will be a stronger, changed person because of it. God has used this experience for His glory, and he continues to use it to truly change the core of who I was. I thought that I knew all that I wanted out of life and how I wanted to spend it, and now, it is as if I am starting all over again to head in a new direction. Some days this is overwhelming, frustrating, and makes me mad because I just want to know where I am going, but constantly I have to give it over to God again. He has shown me already how He provides, and I know that he will continue to care for my family and me.

Over a short period of time God brought to my attention the thought of how much more I need to be speaking of Him. In our Sunday School class we read through Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper, and I just completed The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller, and in both of them it recognizes that being nice or loving by itself does nothing when it is apart from me telling of God. And more important than these two books, God brought it to my attention in the book of Acts. Acts 4:20, "For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard." Meaning it is impossible to keep God to yourself when you have a relationship with him and experience His grace and mercy in your life.

I bring up what God has been teaching me in the same post as the teeny pop song because I think that it all goes together. Whatever God has in store for me I will be telling others about Him, and I pray that He continues to use Magdalena's life as a way of allowing me to do this. Together we will have to wait and see the plan He has in store for me. I may not ever even realize exactly what it is, but I pray that God will continue to give me sufficient strength for each individual day so that I can grow in Him through my longing to hold Magdalena again, my worries about my future children, my madness that I sometimes feel at Him for taking my sweet baby girl, and all of the unknowns about the future.