As Father's Day approaches Daddy stuff is everywhere, and yesterday morning I made a quick trip to Wal-mart to get some diapers and there were all of the pink "Daddy's cupcake" and "I love my Daddy" shirts. It took all I had not to cry right there, so I walked away, got diapers, and left. Walt and I headed to the dance recital of my 4 year old niece, Laura, who loves to be in anything shiny and dresses are a must. One of the first few dances were small girls dressed in pink tutus dancing, and I lost it. It took all I had to gain enough composure to sit through the rest of the recital because everything reminded me of what I had lost. I don't mean this as a "woe is me" statement, but just another time when I will cry. It was as though I could see Magdalena in that pink tutu twirling around without a care not realizing that we are all staring.
I am not comfortable crying in public, but I am realizing that there is nothing wrong with tears, and so what if I make people uncomfortable. If I cry, that is just my time to cry. (Ok, so to be honest, I am still working through this when most of the time I feel the need to be brave for everyone, and spare everyone else of my tears.) The best part about this time of boohoos was that I had a special blessing sitting right in my arms nuzzling up to me as I cried. Although God chose to take away a piece of me, my sweet daughter, he filled my arms with another adorable child. Walt does not replace Magdalena, but when I am crying, Walt is my reminder that God is faithful. God hears my cries. Through my pain, God has blessed me beyond words, and this blessing is tangible because I hold him daily.
He we are playing with a ball together.
Walt drinking out of a cup for the first time.
My sweet friend, Laura, who lost her son Tucker to SIDS is pregnant with her 3rd child, her first girl! Laura is so special to our family, and she was an amazing support to us!
Julie, that sweet Magdalena is dancing right before Jesus in her pink tutu, and He is loving every minute of it. I have not gone through what you have and will never claim to know the pain that you feel, but I can tell you this…one day, you and your husband and Walt are going to dance right beside Jesus and that sweet baby in her pink tutu, and it is going to be more precious than it could ever be on this earth.
ReplyDeleteGrief is such a different emotion to those around us. It seems in our society death is a subject best left alone. After our baby died nobody mentioned anything to me about her any longer. It seemed I got pity looks everywhere I went.
ReplyDeleteI also have that sweet tangible proof that God is faithful and here standing with me.... probably holding the puffs box. But it is still hard to see the milestones roll by that I missed with my sweet baby. Just because I cry doesn't mean eveyone should head for the hills.
Walt is adorable! As cute as his sister always was in the pictures you shared.
Julie, All I can say is there are things that make me remember Magdalena and I start to cry too. Because I'm not her mother, I can only imagine that your tears spring from somewhere much deeper and much more painful. I still pray for you and Noah often, even though I don't constantly remind you. And one area of growth that I see is you even just realizing that though it can be uncomfortable for you and others, there is nothing wrong with tears and when they come, they just have to be allowed to come. Love y'all!
ReplyDeleteBless your heart! I can imagine how bittersweet it was to watch and revel in how precious she was...while wishing you'd have that opportunity with your little Magdalena.
ReplyDeleteLove the Walt pictuers!!
Praying for you!!
BTW--I'd cry whenever and where ever you felt--it's brave to want to spare others your feelings, but they are yours, for Magdalena and you are entitled to them!!!
Hello Julie, I just wanted to let you know that I found this post very helpful. My husband and I are 6.25months pregnant with our first, a boy, who is diagnosed with Trisomy 18. I can totally relate to wanting to break down at seemingly random times, yet trying to stay strong for the sake of being/appearing brave. Ugh. It's emotionally draining, all of it. I know that we'll eventually have more children, but we still love and grieve for the one we have now.
ReplyDeleteHey Julie! Magdalena is dancing in her tutu up in Heaven for Jesus!
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to cry anywhere you want and whenever you feel the need to.
You look fabulous! Love the pics of Walt...as always
Linda
I just read 'The Value of a Brief Life' in RTS's 'Ministry and Leadership' magazine.
ReplyDeleteYour testimony to God's grace made me worship and thank Jesus immediately; thank you so much!
I am thinking of your family and praying now for you.
Praise God for Magdalena's testimony and witness to the sweet grace of Jesus!
Thank you, brother and sister!
In Christ's love,
Pastor C. R. Biggs
www.facebook.com/crbiggs
Its been almost 4 years since I had my miscarriage. I was 16 weeks pregnant. I have had two beautifully healthy babies since. There are still times I see a child and know she would be about that age...and I can't help but shed a few tears. I am sure there will be many more moments as my children grow that I will imagine our sweet Hope crossing those milestones.
ReplyDelete