Sunday, August 30, 2009

Fall Approaching

As fall approaches and the temperature cools off I feel as though some of the weight is being lifted from my heart. August has been difficult, much more so than I could ever imagine. And although I love to celebrate my sweet Magdalena, it also brings much of my heartbreak to the surface. I was driving to work the other day and just realized that I felt "better". I put the word in quotations because "better" doesn't mean that I have miraculously "gotten over it", but I can feel like I can move forward again. I am sure setbacks like the one August brought will come around all the soon approaching holidays, but for now I am trying to move (just move...please do not associate with move on). I don't know if you heard bitterness and anger in my tone of writing, but those were the feelings that I have felt. Maybe that is why I didn't write too often. Not that I don't think those feelings are normal, but I don't want to necessarily remember them and highlight them too much. There is always at least one time during the day that I just have to cry because I miss snuggling and kissing my sweet Magdalena, but I can be around people again. A day doesn't pass when I am not asked "Is this your first?" "How old is your girl?", and these are perfectly normal questions, but sometimes just hard to answer. I am glad to be able to talk about Magdalena and glad that she is so close to my mind on so many days, but some questions can be difficult to answer without elaborating and beginning to cry (and we all know that the pregnancy hormones are not helping either!).
I have been trying to make social attempts lately, and although I may seem a bit awkward to people, I feel as though they were successful. Although terrified upon entering, I made it through. Last Saturday some ladies in our church graciously hosted a baby shower for Walt, and saying that I was nervous put it lightly. I had not put myself in such a type of social siutation in so long that I wasn't even quite sure what to do. On the way to the shower Noah just couldn't quite understand why I was so scared, and he continued to encourage me that this was everyone coming because they loved us. I still saw it possibly as an event where I just may not "pass the test", but it made me feel so much better that Noah was going with me. He stood there the entire time as I opened gifts, and at the end of it all I saw that how right he was. I had so much fun seeing all of the things people chose for Walt to use, wear, or to help me with him, and the ladies made the time so beautiful! I actually found that going to church the next Sunday was easier because of the shower. I had become more comfortable with the surroundings and people. Also, I was able to listen to the teaching without focusing on not crying the entire time. It was definitely refreshing!

As of today I am officially 35 weeks pregnant with Walt, and I definitely feel it, but at the same time it is the time of the year when new events start at the beginning. This is the easiest time to go because there are so many new people that I can just slip in with them instead of beginning in the middle of the year which would draw more attention to myself. I am trying to become more involved with the ladies on the campus where Noah attends seminary and with the women of the church. I know that in a few weeks I will not be able to go for a little while, but it is so much easier now than it has been, and I want so badly to be involved again, even if it is just a little bit. I constantly have to remind myself that it takes just small steps and a long period of time, but the small steps add up!
Walt is doing well with good doctor check-ups. Starting next week we will be going weekly, and it also marks how close we are getting to his arrival date. Not only am I ready to have him to so that I don't feel so much bodily strain, I am so ready to meet him, hold him, and know that for now he is safe. Maybe we will have another sonogram soon...I would love to take a peek at him again and show off some pictures.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

This is where my family had the book printed.
www.blog2print.com

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

My Birthday

As you have seen August is a busy month for my family. On August 11 we celebrate my grandparents and parents anniversaries along with my birthday. Once I had Magdalena, my birthday just doesn’t feel the same, and I think that this is a great thing. Last year we were in the hospital and with all that was going on I asked everyone to just ignore the day. Poor Noah…He bought a cake and had presents, but I just broke down. We gave the cake to the nurses and waited until October before having our family celebration. My sweet Magdalena got to come to it last year, and that means the world to me. I like that my family is thoughtful enough to acknowledge it, but I don’t like to focus all of the attention on me when August just reminds me of Magdalena. It feels like her special month (I wish I had enough pink clothes to where the color everyday!). But as tradition must continue we had our family dinner this past weekend. It is great because all of the kids like to help open up presents and blow out the candles. I LOVE getting their attention, so innocent and sweet with lots of hugs and kisses! And though I was dreading my birthday, I wanted so badly to receive the two things that I had put on my birthday list. I had sent it out months in advance (my family shops early) so that everyone would know what I wanted...money to put toward some pictures that I had made of Magdalena and a book made of my blog. I had been told that there was a computer program where the blog would be bounded into a hardcover book, and since I wrote on it like a journal, keeping up with all of Magdalena’s adventures and tricks, I wanted to keep it. My family tricked me with getting lots of little “happies” all wrapped up for me to open, and one of the last ones was my book. It took a second for me to realize what it was, and it made me so happy. I couldn’t really look at it in front of anyone else because the tears would have been giant sized, but my heart swelled up because my family had taken the time to have it made.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Getting Bigger

Baby Walt is such a blessing to us, but the bigger I get the more I complain. I am just ready to have him in my arms to snuggle with him. I went to the doctor this past Tuesday, and we got a good heartbeat from him. He is growing big! My C-Section is set for Monday, September 28th, so we have six weeks left from this upcoming Monday. (I think that it feels farther away than it actually is.) He could come sooner and I am ready for this, but he seems a little stubborn and too comfortable inside to do this. Getting back to work I think is the toughest because there are so many things to do, but my body just doesn't want to do them! The worst is when I reach for something before realizing that my belly is in the way! I just have to laugh! This weekend came at the perfect timing to give me a little bit of rest.
This morning was fabulous because Noah and I slept in before getting up and just sipping on coffee while eating some pumpkin bread. It has been such a relaxing day that I have enjoyed so much. Noah did go to work, but I really enjoy my time by myself here. I am still working on my scrapbook, and realizing that it is going to be a long term project which is going to take awhile.

Yesterday we celebrated our anniversary, and I think that it was our most fun yet! We got home from work, and together we cooked a simple yet delicous meal. Then, while in comfy clothes we ate, laughed, and talked. Following dinner we watched Bolt, which Noah brought home the day before as a surprise! He knows me too well! I love happy disney movies, and I think that he would admit it too that he has a few favorites out there. We had so much fun I stayed up until around ten o'clock, which is really late for me! It is so easy to get wrapped up in all the things "to do" that we forget to spend this special time together. All of our "to do" list is necessary and good, but I need to slow down more just to enjoy my sweet husband.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Happy Anniversary!



This is us at the beach when we had just returned from Mexico. We joined the Roberts family in Florida for a fun vacation!


Here is Noah and I as we celebrate his 34th birthday with friends in Mexico. Look how handsome he is!



For some reason, I could not turn this picture, but I love us all snuggly, so I just had to add it!
Forever and ever and ever....I am so bessed to keep him!

Friday, August 07, 2009

Magdalena's Special Day

One year ago, we met the most amazing person, our sweet Magdalena, who forever changed us. There are many things that remind us of our "big girl", Mimi's "sweet pea", Loli's "lil bit", and we brought these things out on this very special day.
Our first born, our daughter, our special little girl....Magdalena... We tried to spend the day remembering as special as she was, but by the end of the day grief did take us over.

She loved her balloons! Mimi and Papa brought one very much like the first one she ever received, which was at her 100-day birthday party. Gigi brought some that reminded us of her princess, pretty in pink qualities that we loved so much (with a blue butterfly).
We took her a huge #1 balloon with pink and purple matching ones. Look at all of those balloons!
Noah and I took the special NICU nurses a pink cake.
That night our family got together for cake and ice cream to honor such a special day. This was only planned the week before because I was so unsure if I could make it through a celebration of her birth. My sweet husband just encouraged me to do it, and Gigi encouraged me to make it just like their kids' birthday parties with pizza, cake, and ice cream.
Every family got to take home a party favor of two DVDs that had all of our parties that we had held before she was born and the time we had with her. They are full of so many memories. Thank you, Ron, for making these for us!!
Loli made a cake with Magdalena's favorite thing, balloons!

Noah and I searched many places for the perfect pink cake plates! Look at the hot pink napkins to match! They reminded us of her so much!
Loli added yellow to make the cake shiny and bright as the things that used to grab her attention.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Papa's Poem to Magdalena

I was pulling out some things for my sister to laminate for me so that I could put them in my scrapbook. One was what we handed out at Magdalena's funeral and inside of it included a poem that Magdalena's Papa (my dad) wrote for her. Growing up, he used to write poems and hide them in our lunches or somewhere like that to remind us he loved us while we were at school. Even in college he would mail us cute little poems. While Magdalena was with us, I asked him if he would prepare something special to put in the service. I know that this was so hard for him to do, especially when she was doing so well with us.

Dad, this means the world to me...Thank you for writing this for your granddaughter.

SHE WAS SENT HERE FROM HEAVEN
WITH A MISSION INDEED
SHE WAS CHOSEN ABOVE
OTHER SOULS COULD EASILY LEAD

OTHER SOULS WHO WERE BRIGHT
BOTH HAPPY AND SMART
HE HAD SENT THOSE BEFORE
BUT THEY CHANGED SO FEW HEARTS

SHE WAS SENT IN A PACKAGE
SO FRAGILE TO TOUCH
BOUND WITH WHAT OTHERS
WOULD SAY IS TOO MUCH

A CLOCK THAT WAS TICKING
NO TIME COULD BE LOST
PEOPLE BEGAN PRAYING
NO MATTER THE COST

IT STARTED WITH A FAMILY
ALL DOWN ON THEIR KNEES
SOON THERE WERE FRIENDS
ALL BEGGING GOD PLEASE

A PASTOR AND STAFF
WOULD FALL IN LINE
WITH FRIENDS TELLING FRIENDS
IT'S NOW PRAYING TIME

CHURCH AFTER CHURCH
WOULD ADD THEIR KNEES TOO
PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T KNOW HER
NOT EVEN A CLUE

MAGDALENA BROUGHT US ALL
TOGETHER IN LOVE
BOUND TOGETHER FOREVER
WITH A GOD SENT SOUL FROM ABOVE

THANK YOU LORD FOR
EACH MOMENT SHE IS HERE
MAY GOD KEEP TOUCHING
THOSE HEARTS FAR AND NEAR

LOVE, PAPA

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Friendship

When difficult times approach, the phrase "you learn who your true friends are" seems to fill the void where there were once many people. I don't believe saying that in all of life's difficult situations that this is actually true. I can't say that I haven't thought it throughout the past year, but I think that I am leaning towards a different idea. As my high school reunion is approaching, I thought of so many people that I considered my friends that I have failed to keep in touch with over the years. It isn't as though I haven't thought about them, but time passes by quickly and things that you meant to do just don't happen. Also, life changes people and you may grow apart. This doesn't mean that you don't love the person who you used to give all of your time, but sometimes it is better to have focused time than be spread like peanut butter on a piece of bread where everyone may get a taste but not enough to truly enjoy it.

Nancy Guthrie quotes Gregory Floyd saying, "I feel like sometimes the reason I feel so strange is that part of my heart is not here anymore. I gave it to (Magdalena) and (she) took it with (her)."

I am forever changed by my sweet, baby girl. I can't go back to being the person I was a year ago and I am still trying to figure out who I am loving her. Meanwhile the world continues to move forward, but I have given up on keeping up. I used to try to attend every event, accept every invitation extended, and answer every phone call. If I talk with one friend or send an email, I feel like I have accomplished something spectacular and maybe one day I can jump into life, enjoying it as much as I did before, but this time with the sweet memory of Magdalena. But until then, God has given some the special personality to tolerate me during this time of my life. Others may move on without me, but I don't think that it means that they are not my true friends. They were just not meant to go through this difficult time with me.