Sunday, November 22, 2009

Heaven is the Face

The holidays are here, and I feel it everywhere I go. It seems as though I am constantly on the edge of crying because I am constantly missing her. It doesn't end when I am awake because I dream about her too. Some sweet dreams and some I know do not come from God. I know that I want to honor Magdalena this Thanksgiving because I am so thankful for her, but I am not quite sure how, and the time is getting even closer. I know that God will tell me how I can honor her life in his time. I am trying to slowly bring Christmas into my life because I know that it will be even harder than Thanksgiving. It is hard to describe the intense emotions because Walt brings us so much happiness and laughter, and yet, I can break down crying while he sleeps on my shoulder. He looks just like his sister, which is bittersweet. It's like he knows when to smile at me so that I will smile too. God knew that he would be a perfect gift for us during this time. My heart swells up just by looking into his cute, chubby face.
How can someone look into the face of a child and not believe in God? How can someone survive the loss of someone so special and not see God's hand in it all? Although my pain is great, I can still see Magdalena's imprint on this earth. Maybe even more now than when she was with us. The pain continues to exist, but my heart must override my mind and remember that God's plan is perfect. In the midst of what we see as tragedy, His name is being praised. The heart is deceitful, and when I get mad, frustrated, or ask God "why?", I have to remind myself of what I know to be true, even if I don't feel it at the moment. I find myself having to constantly do that because of the emotions of the holiday season. Noah is reminding me that all of my emotions are ok, but the mind must continue to remember and hold on to the truth.

I heard this song on my way home, and of course, it reminded me of Magdalena. She is a constant reminder of how huge our God is. He is hand is in everything, and although the holidays bring tears, they make me long for heaven even more when I can hold her in my arms. She will be healthy and so happy.


  1. The power in Steven Curtis Chapman's song is so incredible. I can't get through it without tears running down my face for all of us that have a child waiting for us in heaven........

    My longing for our Mackenzie is only tempered by the wild woman baby Kendall that makes our lives bright.

  2. StephanieG10:45 AM

    Beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  3. Hey Julie,

    This song has touched my life so much, just how Steven Curtis Chapman is so very honest and human in it. It's also made me think of you, Noah, Walt, and Magdalena. I'm praying for you during this season! Love you!

  4. Thanks for sharing this very moving song. While you long for your beautiful Magdalena I am so grateful that you have sweet Walt in your arms.

    You do honor your precious girl everyday, Julie. Opening your heart and loving Walt honors her greatly. Sharing your heart and your journey with us honors her and blesses all of us.

    May God bless you and give you His peace as you celebrate His birth. Praying for His mercy and His grace to be with you and Noah.


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