Wednesday, May 14, 2008

This Child of Mine

To find out that the child you are carrying has an unknown amount of time to live can be a heavy load to bear. The first time that I went to church after learning of her disease, I found myself sitting behind a mother with her young daughter. I could hardly bear it, so I moved down the pew, which was not helpful, because it was behind a mother with her teenage daughter. Realizing that I wasn't going to make it through the sermon without crying, my amazing husband found a seat for us in the back so that I could concentrate without my pain distracting me.

In reality each of us has an unknown amount of time, but we assume that we are going to live the next day. Instead of living each day to the fullest we become lazy in routine. I do believe that God can make miracles happen, and if he were to give Magdalena the necessary health to survive even just one day outside the womb I would be incredibly happy. However, I must also face the reality that this could be God's plan for her life. No matter how long we have her with us on this earth she IS loved, and her life IS celebrated.

Each month after checking in with the doctor we have a small family celebration for Magdalena. These visits were much harder at first because I rarely felt her move, and now, through her movements I am bonded to her, and I do not feel as nervous when it is time to see the doctor. When I put my new nephew, Landon, next to my belly she moves around as if saying hello to him.

Again, I will use my niece as an example to describe my feelings. Caroline, the oldest of Lori's children, told Emma that Magdalena is sick. Emma spent last Saturday morning, the morning of her dance recital and the March for Babies walk, dressed up in her dance costume for her pictures, which is every little girl's dream, and as they were driving to my house before the walk, Emma said that she was not happy. This was to be "Emma's Big Day" so her comment was even more surprising. When hearing why, Lori told her that Magdalena one day would be able to be with Jesus, and Emma said that she still felt sad. As exciting things are happening in life, I still feel sad of the great possibility of how quickly I may lose my sweet child.

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