Monday, June 29, 2009

Getting a Schedule, Getting it Together

I am the type of person that likes to plan so that everything within my power works out well. To accomplish this I make a list out for everything because crossing it out when the task is completed always gives me great satisfaction. Usually I am busy working and completing my list that I get much more done, but this summer I have had a bit more time on my hands. This can be good and bad. I had dreaded it knowing that too much quiet time makes me mourn too long, but yet, at the same time not enough quiet time to mourn makes me break down some days. The past few days I have been on my feet so much because of all that I was doing, which can be hard on the ankles and back when my body is carrying this extra weight, but it is good to have busy hands too! Combine that with a hard Magdalena day, and I was destined to have a bad night sleeping. I awoke needing an "off" morning because there wasn't a spot on my body both physically and emotionally that didn't hurt. In a chair with my muffin and coffee was as far as I made it, and Noah was so sweet to me before he left for work. Although there were many things on my list, if I didn't take the time to just be still I knew that the day would a waste. I took it easy for about half of the day, and then, I felt much better in so many ways.
Throughout the summer I have been focusing on trying to establish more of a disciplined study/reading time in God's word. I fail miserably at this some days letting my mind wonder instead of focusing, but I appreciate so much when God grants me the grace to focus only on Him and nothing else. Along with studying his word more I have attempted to be social a tad more. I wouldn't say that I am at every event when the church opens the doors, but I am trying to fellowship more with other believers. I know that it is important to do, but since returning to the States my life has been upside down. First, it was that I was finishing my masters. Then, I had Magdalena. Both of these things were so good in my life! And now, I have more time to go, but it can be so hard. Noah gently pushes, and I am slowly opening up when days are good taking it one day at a time. It has become easier to remember names, ask questions, and truly get to know a few people, but the hardest right now is trying to meet someone that I have never met before. In fact, honestly, I avoid it all together. (Again, Noah meets everyone, so he is always introducing me.) So many days I am not ready to answer the question, "Is this your first child?", when the new person sees that I am pregnant. It takes a lot of energy to get to know new people, and it seems as though I just don't have it in me any more. I used to be VERY social, but life has changed me. I don't want to be bitter about it, even though some days I think that I am, but I am trying to overcome it. It isn't like a huge leap that I am taking, yet, I just don't have the strength. I am more making small steps up a gigantic slope hoping to get to the point where I can truly love on people with normal, every day problems again.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Summertime

I enjoyed so much this past Sunday celebrating what a special daddy Noah is to both of my babies. It isn't expressed enough on this blog how well he takes care of us, even as he deals with the pain on this special day. Noah went to see Magdalena, but I just couldn't do it. So many times I know that I want to go out there as we drive by the cemetary, but I just can't. There is no way to exactly describe it, but Noah always keeps an eye on things when he goes to see her. He has such a special bond with both Magdalena and Walt. As he talks to them I just can't help but laugh a little because of his loving, silly way of talking.

This summer I have been determined to really work on Magdalena's scrapbook. Between life and pregnancy tiredness I have stayed away from it too long. As it is my first time to ever make the attempt to be creative, it took me awhile to really get going. Now, with Noah's encouragement I have continued in the work, and I am finishing up her 29 week celebration page yesterday. I leave all of my things out in hopes that I will have almost complete it by the beginning of the school year. I will post some pictures soon! But don't laugh at them! It is our home version of a baby book, especially made for such a special girl!

We received a good report from the doctor on Tuesday. Little Walt has a good heartbeat, and by his movements I can tell that he is going to be a hand full! I am 25 weeks now, and on my 28th week I will return for the normal pregnancy sugar test, which is never fun, and we will have another sonogram. At this time they will check his size again, and to recheck for any marks that may show us a possible chromosome defect. His strong movements give us so much peace, but it also reminds me that we will have to rely on God for a stronger peace. One that will last even in the last few weeks when babies move less.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Climb

Ok, so I have a confession to make. I am like a teenager when it comes to some of the music I like. It would be impossible for me to be married to Noah without having partly good taste in music, but every now and then there is an artist/show that I like that is not intended to be watched by my age group. For example, I would pick to watch the Disney channel any day of the week, and I have realized that this is because it is "safe". Although the shows can be stupid at times, they are not emotionally draining as adult movies can be, which I cannot handle. All of this to say that this post is about a song by Miley Cyrus that got me thinking. I am sure that the song has nothing to do with what I thought about when hearing it, but it reminded me so much of how the smallest reminders get help set us straight at times. So if you are totally against teeny boppers, please, no pressure to watch it, but I am putting the link here just in case someone has not heard the song but would like to see what I am talking about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2zyeVRcbs

Sleeping hasn't come easily lately. Between my thoughts of Walt and Magdalena and trying to feel comfortable, I wake up constantly struggling to return to sleep again. It is leaving me exhausted today, but I can tell right now as I write Walt is playing inside so that is comforting. I have been struggling with what to do with my life now. What is the next step for me? While Magdalena was with us, we lived for each day. What I would do daily totally depended on her, how she felt, and if she were still with us. Since she has gone I am trying to adjust to this different way of living because it is impossible to go back the way it was before she were here, and thankfully I don't want to be back at that place in my life. I struggled through finishing out the school year, and surprisingly I am enjoying the peacefulness of the summer. I wake up early to read, and I have time and energy to just be still. I hadn't realized how much I needed this time, but it truly has been good for me to reflect. This "climb" is hard because I have to deal with the sin in my life and all that has happened without staying focused on it. I can't remain in the same spot, and I don't know where I will end up in a few months, but I know that I will be a stronger, changed person because of it. God has used this experience for His glory, and he continues to use it to truly change the core of who I was. I thought that I knew all that I wanted out of life and how I wanted to spend it, and now, it is as if I am starting all over again to head in a new direction. Some days this is overwhelming, frustrating, and makes me mad because I just want to know where I am going, but constantly I have to give it over to God again. He has shown me already how He provides, and I know that he will continue to care for my family and me.

Over a short period of time God brought to my attention the thought of how much more I need to be speaking of Him. In our Sunday School class we read through Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper, and I just completed The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller, and in both of them it recognizes that being nice or loving by itself does nothing when it is apart from me telling of God. And more important than these two books, God brought it to my attention in the book of Acts. Acts 4:20, "For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard." Meaning it is impossible to keep God to yourself when you have a relationship with him and experience His grace and mercy in your life.

I bring up what God has been teaching me in the same post as the teeny pop song because I think that it all goes together. Whatever God has in store for me I will be telling others about Him, and I pray that He continues to use Magdalena's life as a way of allowing me to do this. Together we will have to wait and see the plan He has in store for me. I may not ever even realize exactly what it is, but I pray that God will continue to give me sufficient strength for each individual day so that I can grow in Him through my longing to hold Magdalena again, my worries about my future children, my madness that I sometimes feel at Him for taking my sweet baby girl, and all of the unknowns about the future.

Monday, June 08, 2009

He's Back!

After being faced with many obstacles the youth group along with my husband returned yesterday morning around 6:30 am. The bus had a flat tire, so they arrived about five hours later than expected. Noah said that everyone was in good spirits about it, even though they had already been on the bus for a full 24 hours. That is amazing! God was definitely at work on the trip, and while surrounded by His artwork, kids were able to praise our amazing God. It is good to be back together again! Noah went straight to bed while I read and washed his clothes (They stunk too bad to let them sit!). Then, in the afternoon we sat out at the pool and just talked to catch up on all that happen (yes, I found a bathing suit to cover my belly). We lost track of time, and now, Noah is burnt to a crisp! I feel so bad for him! While he is exhausted from the trip he is having to deal with a bad case of the sunburn. And after a nap, we went to worship! What an amazing day! This morning he left early to help with the Arts and Sports camp at our church, so he will be running around all day with the kids! Please pray that he will be able to keep up his energy throughout the week so that he can truly impact the kids' lives, and also, he is trying to finish his online class for school.

Walt is 23 weeks old this week, and he is comforting me by moving around so that I know he is ok. I hope that he is already a Mama's boy. We will return to the doctor in two weeks for a check-up, and on our 28 week visit we will do another sonogram to check his size for any possibility of abnormalities. It is hard to believe that I only lack 16 more weeks before I get to see his sweet face in person. Maybe it is because we have been so focused on making it through the end of the school year that we were able to not focus/worry/stress over the pregnancy as much as we will later. Because I had a C-Section with Magdalena, I will also have one with Walt, and it will be scheduled when I am 39 weeks pregnant. So unless he decides to make an appearance that time, we will see him the last week in September!