O Love That Will Not Let Me Go

The last month has been exhaustingly busy for our family. We have been able to celebrate another month with our active, beautiful daughter, and our team, Magdalena's Feet, raised over 2,900 dollars for March of Dimes. Also, my family cheered me on as I was FINALLy able to graduate with my master's. I wasn't supposed to graduate this spring, but through God's hands much had been done in the last year to prepare me for it. This is truly a blessing because it will allow me to teach night classes at a local college so that for whatever time we have with Magdalena I don't have to worry about working. (Isn't my husband handsome?) Also, my wonderful husband planned a wonderful Mother's Day for me, and he made me feel so special. Words cannot describe the emotions I felt that day, but I was so happy that Magdalena was able to celebrate with me this year.

Growing up in a strong church, I remember hearing occasionally from missionaries and others with testimonies of God's faithfulness through very difficult circumstances. I had never really understood what these people meant by that. How does somebody really experience God's faithfulness through grief? Why do they have to go through it at all? How does God actually meet their needs, particularly the emotional ones? While I always struggled through these questions, I had an understanding of Christianity that was primarily based on duty and conforming to a given set of rules. "Do what's right, for right's sake, because it is the right thing to do." I could not see how the God who gave us these rules to follow (or else!) could actually meet us in our grief. Yes, I understood that Jesus suffered 2000 years ago, but what did that have to do with me right now? I can remember Sunday School teachers telling us that if we were going to be Christians, then we would suffer...

As the husband and father in this very difficult time, I feel almost unqualified to write about my feelings and thoughts. I know that as hard as this is for me, it has to be much more difficult for Julie. Julie is the one going through the physical (and often uncomfortable) changes of being pregnant and the one that is constantly being reminded of our present struggles. She has also been able to bond with little Magdalena more since she is the one carrying her. This is that natural way of motherhood. What is not as natural is the fact that Julie has to deal with all of this knowing that at the end of all of this struggle, we probably won't have much time with our baby girl if we get to meet her at all. Julie certainly has it tougher than I do and her thoughts are probably far more beneficial than mine. However, as the husband and father, I do have a good bit to say. I first want to say that I am amazed at the wife that God gave me. Her strength and ability to persevere during this ...

To find out that the child you are carrying has an unknown amount of time to live can be a heavy load to bear. The first time that I went to church after learning of her disease, I found myself sitting behind a mother with her young daughter. I could hardly bear it, so I moved down the pew, which was not helpful, because it was behind a mother with her teenage daughter. Realizing that I wasn't going to make it through the sermon without crying, my amazing husband found a seat for us in the back so that I could concentrate without my pain distracting me. In reality each of us has an unknown amount of time, but we assume that we are going to live the next day. Instead of living each day to the fullest we become lazy in routine. I do believe that God can make miracles happen, and if he were to give Magdalena the necessary health to survive even just one day outside the womb I would be incredibly happy. However, I must also face the reality that this could be God's plan for her lif...

Some of you may be a bit confused by this blog. It began as my way to communicate with people in the States while I lived in Mexico, so if you are interested in my time there feel free to take a look. It is where I met and fell in love with my wonderful husband. As you can see, I have not written anything on it since my return, but because of recent events I have decided to begin again. So I will begin at the beginning.... When asking my supervisor for a bit of time to talk back in December, she asked "Are you pregnant?" I responded with "no, but now that you mention it..." When I returned home for school, Noah left to go to work, and I took a two tests, both which came out to be positive. It was a state of shock for me because I had just had ear surgery, and because of the timeline I realized that I had been pregnant during it which worried me. This was not all that worried me. The entire idea of being a mom scared me, and I did not feel ready for it. Between the s...