Making the Decision to Not Make the Decision

I get the question, "Are you going to have any more kids?" asked often. Since finding out Magdalena's diagnosis it was always a tough question to answer. We had always envisioned ourselves with multiple children, but there was always the lingering thought of having to endure this difficult situation again. Although it is less than a one percent chance that we would have another child with T18, the percentage still exists. When pregnant, I said multiple times that I couldn't do this again and my mom constantly reminded me that it is not always that difficult. Being pregnant was physically uncomfortable, but I was referring to the constant emotional exhaustion.
As Magdalena continued to do well, Noah and I weren't sure when to begin thinking about other children. Noah and I discussed that I would work really hard at losing my weight, but I was willing to be five pounds more than what I was originally. People poked fun at my not eating Magdalena's birthday cakes and being picky, but by December I lacked seven pounds to return to my original weight. And because I didn't get to exercise much, I was amazed that it was possible and I know that God really gave me the willpower to do this. In December, Noah and I rediscussed other children. It was just a difficult issue because I didn't know if I would have the strength to do it once Magdalena passed away, and she was doing so well at the time! I struggled with the idea that my other children would not have any connections to Magdalena. They would never know her on this earth. Knowing how close my sisters and I are, I really had a hard time thinking on this. I thought that even if Magdalena met her brother or sister while in the womb there would be a connection. I remember being pregnant with Magdalena, and every time I held Landon she would squirm like crazy. I loved that. Also, I really began to think of how much fun it would be to introduce my pregnancy to the world by Magdalena wearing a big sis shirt, just as her cousins had done.
So Noah and I made the decision not to make the decision. We would not determine for ourselves when the best time would be for us to have other children. We just knew that God would give us another child when He thought we were ready. I then decided that I would go ahead and order Magdalena a big sis shirt (it was impossible to find a small one for her). I tried never to put anything off, and I ordered it immediately. I wanted to at least get a picture of her in it so that even if she wasn't with us, I had her wearing it. The day before Magdalena went to be with Jesus I picked up her little onesie from the store where I had ordered it. Magdalena just didn't feel well that day, so Lori and I decided to wait until she felt a little better before taking pictures. Lori has a really great camera so she was going to be the photographer. Magdalena passed before we got that picture taken. I don't regret not taking it, though, because she didn't feel well, and I would have hated to put her through that knowing how awful she was feeling. I don't regret paying too much for this little bittie outfit because I get to look at it and hold it.

A week after Magdalena's celebration I took a pregnancy test without telling Noah. The line did not immediately appear, but then, I saw it. I ran downstairs yelling "Noah!" and asking him if he saw the pink line too. After getting over the shock of thinking he saw one, he realized, like I did, that there was a line. Ok, so, we might sound crazy, but we thought that we might have been crazy. I remembered that there had been a free digital example in the box that I bought, so I took it for a clearer answer. And this is what I got...Noah and I were definitely sure then, and we hugged and cried, and we realized happily that Magdalena did get to meet her little brother or sister.

Along with all of these ecstatic emotions comes many fearful ones too. It is so early right now that there is a possibility of a miscarriage and of other things happening. How ever long God should ordain this pregnancy to last, Noah and I will not be unaware and ignorant to the possibilities of losing this child. And we are praying that God will let us keep this one. We have known since before our DC trip, but I have been hestitant to tell people. Noah is supporting me in telling when I am comfortable, but today I realized that I am far from being comfortable telling people. But with all that is happening in our lives, our family needs to be able to share in a little joy. A hope that God will give us this new life to us while He calls others to be at home with Him.