O Love That Will Not Let Me Go

I feel it in my throat. The day is drawing near. It's true the days leading up to it are much worse than the actual day because you want to go into a time machine and relive the days that were there. Three years ago yesterday my sweet sisters, nieces, nephew, and mother came together for a movie night. We all watched Horton has a Who while everyone got some good snuggle time in with Magdalena. We just didn't know what was coming. Some of our favorite Magdalena songs.  I don't mean to make you cry as I am now while I listen to these songs, but may we all praise our sweet God.  He gave us so much more than we ever could have imagined, but for all the days that I am on this earth I will miss her.  Just as Laura Story says in her song "Blessings", "the aching in this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy".  Even now, my baby girl is teaching me more about God and the purpose for all of our lives. God is our peace. I...

Noah and I finally added a little entertainment to our lives by subscribing to Netflix, and so far, it has been proven to be an incredible value!  I have been wanting to see quite a few of the movies, but we have never wanted to buy them, and one of those was Letters to God.  Since God is incorporated in movies in ways that I don't agree, usually, I only looked at the cover of this particular movie.  I finally put it on my queue, where it didn't remain long before my curiosity had peaked.  I was blown away by this movie!  It is so strong in value and God!  I cried good tears for most of the movie, and, yet, I was still happy at the end of it that I had watched it.  A young boy fighting for his life with a terrible cancer impacts all those who encounter him through his relationship with God.  No one can look at this suffering boy without thinking of Jesus.  It was a boy who chose to live his life by glorifying God in all that he did, and in o...

Sometimes it is so hard to pray. Sometimes it is so hard to sing songs of praise to God. My heart is just angry at times, but when I come running back, God always has his arms wide open for me. Noah's ability to praise God despite his feelings always helps to push me towards God because he doesn't allow his feelings to interrupt what he is called to do. At first watching his strength made me feel guilty that I wasn't the same, but slowly I have realized that I will get my strength back. Hope does exist. And I know that as I wrestle with God's purpose for my life and my heartache it will only draw me closer to him. A good book to make you realize that you are the prodigal's other son too is Tim Keller's The Prodigal God . Honestly, I need to go reread that book too. It is a new way to show the hope of Christ for those that have kept morality to a higher standard than their relationship with God. My prayer is that I will continue to run to God hoping tha...

Our passage to meditate on during week 3. Psalm 103:13-14 " As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust." I heard a song on the radio where the singer asks God to bring on the rain so that if that is what is needed for us to be able to praise him, then, bring it. That song aggravates me. I have no idea who the singer is, but I want to call them up and ask, "Have you ever lost a child?" This is one of the floods that he is praying for in his song. If the singer knew what could be thrown at him, would he continue to pray it in that way? This past week a deceitful heart has been on the tip of my tongue in so many conversations. We know that God is faithful and that through our pain he is glorified, but our hearts go through times of true struggling because they hurt so badly. My mind has to comfort my heart with what I know to be true. I know that God...

Please spend the today and tomorrow on reflection and meditation on the following that Nancy has written for us, and then we will begin Week 3 on Friday, March 26th. REFLECTION Remove distractions from your crowded mind, and ask Jesus to reveal himself to you as a Man of Sorrows. Enjoy his companionship in the loneliness of your grief. Experience the comfort of Jesus, a worthy companion in sorrow. Let him love you, and love him in return. See him struggle with and submit to God's perfect plan that includes suffering, and seek to follow his example. MEDITATION While Jesus was here on earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could deliver him out of death. And God heard his prayers because of his reverence for God. So even though Jesus was God's son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered. - Hebrews 5:7-8 As you read through these verses, picture Jesus praying and pleading with his Father. See his tears and hear his cries...

Hebrews 5: 7-8 In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence. Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered. Hebrews 4:16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Nancy asks us to look at Hebrews 4:14-5:10 and consider the good things that resulted from God's plan and to list the benefits. I continue to struggle with God's plan because all of the things that came out of my loss does not replace Magdalena. I would give anything to hold her and to know what she would like like right now as a 20 month old little girl. So answering this exact question is tough for me. I do know that when we came to terms with the fact that God had not healed Magdalena, we began to pray for other things, which He gave us. He gave us the gift of time...

Luke 13:1-5 I cannot imagine the pain of losing Magdalena without the hope of Christ. Although my emotions have been far from perfect, I have always been reminded of and comforted by the fact that she is being held by Jesus. That he took away the pain she had while on this earth, healed her, and calls her his own. For those who have the passing of a loved one who didn't know Christ or have Christ for comfort themselves, that is the greatest tragedy. Today my heart has been heavy for a special friend of mine who has truly suffered in ways that are unimaginable to me. Why would do this to such a godly person? Why would he take someone who constantly praises his name and goes far beyond what normal society does to tell others about Him? Why??? So many truths came to me about our God being merciful, and how he is our comfort and our shield. It doesn't say that he fulfills these descriptions in a way that we want or expect, and slowly my mind began to wrap around what God h...

I was 22 weeks pregnant during the spring break 2 years ago, and it was on that Friday I found out Magdalena had Trisomy 18. I knew that I was supposed to receive the results that day, and I started off the afternoon calling the doctor to get them. Each time that I called, the nurse took my message, and it wasn't until after my second or third time of calling she put me on hold. When she returned, she said that the doctor was calling me after hours, which would be around five o'clock. Again, I waited. Everyone in my family waited. I "knew" that I was going to hear that she had Down's Syndrome. The doctor called, and I don't remember all that he said, but he was trying to explain that Magdalena had something she would not survive. The worst case scenario that he had given me when we got the amniocentesis done came to pass. The rest of the evening is a total blur to me. I don't even remember how I told Noah or when I did. I know that I called Lori...

John 11: 1-44 What I am gaining most through these verses is truly seeing Jesus as a person. I put him in a category that is impersonal, and although I know he can heal my pain, I forget that he suffered more than just physically while on this earth. He cried knowing what the pain of death what cause a person, but through death we are reminded of a great hope that we have. This is why our response to death is different for those who know Christ and those who do not. "death is the great revealer of what we should believe and of how much we value resurrected life after physical death." Taking this statement for this day without the other readings can be taken wrong, or at least I think so because she isn't saying that there won't be pain and tears when losing a loved one. She is talking about that despite our deceitful hearts, we have hope in what lies ahead. While pregnant with Walt and dealing with losing Magdalena, some Sundays I just couldn't go to church....

I have written many times before on the struggle of dealing appropriately with those we love, whether friends or family, who have truly suffered, so I won't continue to spill, but I do think that it is should be a continual prayer for all of us to show love to those who are suffering. For those of us who are suffering, we need to offer grace to those who may not respond as we see appropriate. Both of these are a prayer for me because I need to offer more grace and I need to pray more about how I deal with those who are suffering, whether their suffering is like mine or if it is different. "Perhaps the greatest comfort I find in seeing Jesus as a man of sorrows is the affirmation that tears do not reflect a lack of faith; indeed, they are a companion to authentic faith." - Nancy Guthrie I have to be honest and say that I have not really considered Jesus' sufferings on this earth. It may have been brought to may attention before, but I have not reflected on it. Ch...

Phillipians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. This verse is always an incredible reminder because I know it in my mind, but by reading it in God's word it refreshes my heart. When we found out Magdalena's diagnosis, my entire family had so many questions for God. We didn't understand how this could happen to us. We loved God and we lived for him. Why us? Sometimes when I see something that reminds me of my life pre-Magdalena, I don't recognize myself. I was so arrogant to think that this type of sickness would never happen to me or my family. One day along the way, God gave my heart peace. Peace doesn't mean that I was happy with the situation or even glad that God would use my daughter in this way, but it was an indescribable peace that st...

While Magdalena was in the NICU, I was running completely on adrenaline. I don’t know how I did some of the things that I never knew I had because my maternal instincts had taken over. I had to keep moving. Thankfully, I had an amazing family here watching over me to make sure that I didn’t go too far beyond my physical or emotional capability. I remember standing outside the NICU with my parents and feeling like the building was shaking, and my dad held me up for that brief second. I don’t even know if they remember that brief moment, but they held me then and continued to do so for the next five months so that I could keep moving forward and functioning, to be a good mommy to Magdalena. At her visitation and funeral, I didn’t cry. Because all of you know how much I love her, that may sound strange, but I was in my survival mode. Before each event, I questioned if I could make it through, and with determination I was striving towards the goal, survival. Many people came to me ...

I feel inadequate to be writing my thoughts down about God with all of you reading, but I feel led that all of us should do this together. There are too many of us clinging to our pain when God can free us of it. Please write down your thoughts, favorite verses, and whatever you feel led to share from each day or week that you read. Sometimes I catch myself using the word “lucky” because I don’t believe in luck. I believe that God has ordained everything that has come to pass in my life. The world and all those in it are not flying out of control. He has his finger in everything. All bad things that happen have a larger purpose to them, and many of those things we may not see today or in our lifetime. But sometimes God does bless us with knowing. God ordained that this be the very first page that I read after a completely mind overtaking week. It was a horrible few days because not only did my heart ache for what I had lost but the regret that I felt for so many th...