O Love That Will Not Let Me Go

I am waiting on one more part to upload before I can post it all of Magdalena's funeral service, but I thought I would go ahead and post part 1 of it.  Be sure that you push pause on the blog music before you begin watching.  It brings me much happiness to share this with all of those who loved Magdalena while she was here, but could not attend.  After three years I have improved on my computer skills, and I know now how to divide and upload videos. For me, the entire funeral was an out of body experience, and when I look back at the day there is so much that I don't even remember.  Out of everything that happened and all that was said, one thing I remember best is my sisters taking me to the mall the day she died to find something for the funeral.  We laughed.  I don't remember about what, but I do remember that we laughed.  We went to every store looking for something in the right shade of pink for all of us.  I don't remember anything else th...

I feel it in my throat. The day is drawing near. It's true the days leading up to it are much worse than the actual day because you want to go into a time machine and relive the days that were there. Three years ago yesterday my sweet sisters, nieces, nephew, and mother came together for a movie night. We all watched Horton has a Who while everyone got some good snuggle time in with Magdalena. We just didn't know what was coming. Some of our favorite Magdalena songs.  I don't mean to make you cry as I am now while I listen to these songs, but may we all praise our sweet God.  He gave us so much more than we ever could have imagined, but for all the days that I am on this earth I will miss her.  Just as Laura Story says in her song "Blessings", "the aching in this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy".  Even now, my baby girl is teaching me more about God and the purpose for all of our lives. God is our peace. I...

Sometimes it is so hard to pray. Sometimes it is so hard to sing songs of praise to God. My heart is just angry at times, but when I come running back, God always has his arms wide open for me. Noah's ability to praise God despite his feelings always helps to push me towards God because he doesn't allow his feelings to interrupt what he is called to do. At first watching his strength made me feel guilty that I wasn't the same, but slowly I have realized that I will get my strength back. Hope does exist. And I know that as I wrestle with God's purpose for my life and my heartache it will only draw me closer to him. A good book to make you realize that you are the prodigal's other son too is Tim Keller's The Prodigal God . Honestly, I need to go reread that book too. It is a new way to show the hope of Christ for those that have kept morality to a higher standard than their relationship with God. My prayer is that I will continue to run to God hoping tha...

Our passage to meditate on during week 3. Psalm 103:13-14 " As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust." I heard a song on the radio where the singer asks God to bring on the rain so that if that is what is needed for us to be able to praise him, then, bring it. That song aggravates me. I have no idea who the singer is, but I want to call them up and ask, "Have you ever lost a child?" This is one of the floods that he is praying for in his song. If the singer knew what could be thrown at him, would he continue to pray it in that way? This past week a deceitful heart has been on the tip of my tongue in so many conversations. We know that God is faithful and that through our pain he is glorified, but our hearts go through times of true struggling because they hurt so badly. My mind has to comfort my heart with what I know to be true. I know that God...

Please spend the today and tomorrow on reflection and meditation on the following that Nancy has written for us, and then we will begin Week 3 on Friday, March 26th. REFLECTION Remove distractions from your crowded mind, and ask Jesus to reveal himself to you as a Man of Sorrows. Enjoy his companionship in the loneliness of your grief. Experience the comfort of Jesus, a worthy companion in sorrow. Let him love you, and love him in return. See him struggle with and submit to God's perfect plan that includes suffering, and seek to follow his example. MEDITATION While Jesus was here on earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could deliver him out of death. And God heard his prayers because of his reverence for God. So even though Jesus was God's son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered. - Hebrews 5:7-8 As you read through these verses, picture Jesus praying and pleading with his Father. See his tears and hear his cries...

Hebrews 5: 7-8 In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence. Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered. Hebrews 4:16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Nancy asks us to look at Hebrews 4:14-5:10 and consider the good things that resulted from God's plan and to list the benefits. I continue to struggle with God's plan because all of the things that came out of my loss does not replace Magdalena. I would give anything to hold her and to know what she would like like right now as a 20 month old little girl. So answering this exact question is tough for me. I do know that when we came to terms with the fact that God had not healed Magdalena, we began to pray for other things, which He gave us. He gave us the gift of time...

Luke 13:1-5 I cannot imagine the pain of losing Magdalena without the hope of Christ. Although my emotions have been far from perfect, I have always been reminded of and comforted by the fact that she is being held by Jesus. That he took away the pain she had while on this earth, healed her, and calls her his own. For those who have the passing of a loved one who didn't know Christ or have Christ for comfort themselves, that is the greatest tragedy. Today my heart has been heavy for a special friend of mine who has truly suffered in ways that are unimaginable to me. Why would do this to such a godly person? Why would he take someone who constantly praises his name and goes far beyond what normal society does to tell others about Him? Why??? So many truths came to me about our God being merciful, and how he is our comfort and our shield. It doesn't say that he fulfills these descriptions in a way that we want or expect, and slowly my mind began to wrap around what God h...

I was 22 weeks pregnant during the spring break 2 years ago, and it was on that Friday I found out Magdalena had Trisomy 18. I knew that I was supposed to receive the results that day, and I started off the afternoon calling the doctor to get them. Each time that I called, the nurse took my message, and it wasn't until after my second or third time of calling she put me on hold. When she returned, she said that the doctor was calling me after hours, which would be around five o'clock. Again, I waited. Everyone in my family waited. I "knew" that I was going to hear that she had Down's Syndrome. The doctor called, and I don't remember all that he said, but he was trying to explain that Magdalena had something she would not survive. The worst case scenario that he had given me when we got the amniocentesis done came to pass. The rest of the evening is a total blur to me. I don't even remember how I told Noah or when I did. I know that I called Lori...

John 11: 1-44 What I am gaining most through these verses is truly seeing Jesus as a person. I put him in a category that is impersonal, and although I know he can heal my pain, I forget that he suffered more than just physically while on this earth. He cried knowing what the pain of death what cause a person, but through death we are reminded of a great hope that we have. This is why our response to death is different for those who know Christ and those who do not. "death is the great revealer of what we should believe and of how much we value resurrected life after physical death." Taking this statement for this day without the other readings can be taken wrong, or at least I think so because she isn't saying that there won't be pain and tears when losing a loved one. She is talking about that despite our deceitful hearts, we have hope in what lies ahead. While pregnant with Walt and dealing with losing Magdalena, some Sundays I just couldn't go to church....

I have written many times before on the struggle of dealing appropriately with those we love, whether friends or family, who have truly suffered, so I won't continue to spill, but I do think that it is should be a continual prayer for all of us to show love to those who are suffering. For those of us who are suffering, we need to offer grace to those who may not respond as we see appropriate. Both of these are a prayer for me because I need to offer more grace and I need to pray more about how I deal with those who are suffering, whether their suffering is like mine or if it is different. "Perhaps the greatest comfort I find in seeing Jesus as a man of sorrows is the affirmation that tears do not reflect a lack of faith; indeed, they are a companion to authentic faith." - Nancy Guthrie I have to be honest and say that I have not really considered Jesus' sufferings on this earth. It may have been brought to may attention before, but I have not reflected on it. Ch...

Phillipians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. This verse is always an incredible reminder because I know it in my mind, but by reading it in God's word it refreshes my heart. When we found out Magdalena's diagnosis, my entire family had so many questions for God. We didn't understand how this could happen to us. We loved God and we lived for him. Why us? Sometimes when I see something that reminds me of my life pre-Magdalena, I don't recognize myself. I was so arrogant to think that this type of sickness would never happen to me or my family. One day along the way, God gave my heart peace. Peace doesn't mean that I was happy with the situation or even glad that God would use my daughter in this way, but it was an indescribable peace that st...

To say that this week has been hard is an understatement. I can't believe that I have made it up until this day. One day I drove to the school, sat outside, and I almost didn't think that I could make it in. Thankfully, my students have been incredible despite what my heart has been feeling. It is another way I see God's mercy. I hate it when days like this are one after another. My head tells me that what I am feeling is ridiculous. This guilt and pain for so many things does not exist from God. I know this, but, yet, I can't get over the hurdle. My husband is relentless, thankfully, and continues to pursue me during these times. Telling him "I don't want to talk about it." is not enough. I really don't want to talk about it. Yet, he always pulls me back to reality. I don't mean that the pain instantly disappears, and I jump up and down. I mean that I see sight of the road again when for a day I thought I was going in a downward spir...

I drive a good bit to work every morning, and it is always a good time alone. However, having good music on the radio is always hard to find, so I ordered two CDs that I thought would be good listens. One was the new Stephen Curtis Chapman CD, and it blew me away. He put to song his grief. It was real, and I felt like he was singing so many of my feelings. The lyrics written here are from the song "Beauty in the Morning". It is late, and I am tired but I had to go ahead and write my heart. Since July I have had the book One Year of Hope by Nancy Guthrie , and I have not gotten up the courage to deal with the deepest wounds left by my grief. After reading the intro in July I just didn't think that I was ready, yet, lately I have been feeling like God has been calling me to go through this study on the blog. And on the last song of Stephen Curtis Chapman's CD, he talks about how long ago a seed was planted so that, although our world is hardening now, God will...

I have heard that it is hard to let go and allow your children to do things on their own. It seems hard now, so it is hard to imagine what lies ahead. Walt wants to hold his head up on his own, hold his toy on his own, and I am wanting the time to go by more slowly so that I can enjoy this stage of life longer. Every mom is over protective, but I feel too protective of him. I know that I need to give him to God because that is where is health and safety lie, but it is so hard. Before I go to sleep I go to check on him. I lay my hand on his chest to let the sound of his breathing soothe me because when I can't see his chest rise and fall I get nervous. Because he wants to grab things, and he also wants to put them in his mouth, I have become a little obsessed with his breathing. Can this suffocate him? Would he move it away from his mouth if it was? I know that he is God's child, but I really want to keep this one for a long while. I am praying so hard that God will ca...

Well, this week has been overwhelming. Noah has been in school while I started a new job. I can't believe that it has been a year since I held my sweet baby. It feels like yesterday but at the same time it feels so far away. I continue to long for the day when I will see her again, but I have begun to realize that ache will always be there. I will see it when my nephew, who was born the same year as Magdalena, reaches certain milestones. I will see it when a little girl runs to her daddy. It will be there when Walt makes the same expression as Magdalena when their forehead wrinkles, and their eyes talk for them. I pray that God will continue to bless us with his peace in the years to come. For months I have really been thinking about starting a non-profit organization to offer support to families who have lost a child, but I have not been quite sure what I have to offer them. The thought has continued to follow me, and I realized that although I adore March of Dimes and No...

In October I began dreading the quickly approaching holidays, and, yet, I felt determined that Walt have good memories for his first Christmas. Noah and I talked multiple times about going somewhere to spend Christmas so that we were doing something different. I wanted to skip all of the traditions that mean so much to our family because this year they only highlighted my sweet girl's absence. In the end we ended up attempting to make it through the few days. My amazing husband was sure that I knew that we could leave from my parents house at any moment. Although everyone wanted us there, he wanted to protect me as much as possible. We were on our own time schedule this year in hopes that smaller amounts in a particular event would help us to make it through. While I was getting ready to go to my grandmother's house on Christmas Eve I began to evaluate how important certain traditions are to me. Yes, part of Christmas is family, but this year it felt like the center of ...

The holidays are here, and I feel it everywhere I go. It seems as though I am constantly on the edge of crying because I am constantly missing her. It doesn't end when I am awake because I dream about her too. Some sweet dreams and some I know do not come from God. I know that I want to honor Magdalena this Thanksgiving because I am so thankful for her, but I am not quite sure how, and the time is getting even closer. I know that God will tell me how I can honor her life in his time. I am trying to slowly bring Christmas into my life because I know that it will be even harder than Thanksgiving. It is hard to describe the intense emotions because Walt brings us so much happiness and laughter, and yet, I can break down crying while he sleeps on my shoulder. He looks just like his sister, which is bittersweet. It's like he knows when to smile at me so that I will smile too. God knew that he would be a perfect gift for us during this time. My heart swells up just by loo...

On Magdalena's 100-Day Birthday she had an ornament made with her hand print on it. Her cousin's school was making them, and Loli, knowing that it would be a special keepsake for me, set it up for Magdalena to get it done too. I had been thinking about that a month ago and wondered how I could get one made for Walt so that they would both have one on our tree, and the answer came two days later through a letter someone at the school sent. They sent the flyer just in case Walt wanted to have one to match Magdalena's, and of course, he did! It is the smallest things that people do, not expecting to gain anything and not knowing how it will affect someone else, that really change this world. Reflecting on the day I took Magdalena was bittersweet for me because it was such a special day that we never thought we would have, and here we are getting to celebrate with Walt in our own special way too. He was great on his little outing, but then he is not the misbehaving type. ...

The day before I was going into the hospital to have Walter, Loli and Uncle Stephen came over to give Walt his congratulations-for-being-born outfit, which I will show in another post. It was a little onesie that said "baby brother". Lori is always very thoughtful with her gifts, and she gives me things that I didn't even know that I wanted! This little onesie was so special to me because I wanted to include Magdalena in the celebration just as other parents include their children in the festivities. The problem that I faced was that I didn't want Walt to be living in Magdalena's shadow and to take the attention away from him. Even as I make his scrapbook, I don't write all of the feelings that I had while pregnant with him because I never want him to feel like I didn't love him as much. Before having Walt, Noah and I discussed a lot about what we would say on Walt's announcement because we were torn with how to word a lot of what had to be said....

I have realized that because Magdalena has lived so long, some people that I encounter think that Magdalena is "better". I am trying to become better at explaining clearly that the doctors don't say that she is better because of the number of days that she has been with us, but that God, for a reason I don't know, has blessed our world with her. No matter how many days that she has with us, it doesn't change her heart problem, her syndrome, and the doctors will never promise one more day. When I found out that Max went to be with Jesus so soon in life, I cried my eyes out. I was praying that God would give their family a lot of time to enjoy their precious gift. And it is selfish of me to be sad knowing that God used that 3 hours of his earthly life to glorify Him. I also know that it doesn't end there. People will see how beautiful life is and glorify God through Max's family as they share their story. Last night I questioned why God has blessed us with s...